If they pay they say??

You're stuck. While it sounds great to have someone else pay for your wedding, this is the exact situation that causes many couples to pay for their own rather than accept money from family for their wedding. Think about it: if you go to a restaurant and take someone out to eat, you're not going to let them order for you, you're paying! You'd be much less likely to protest however, if they were paying.

You do sound spoiled, and like you just want your way. You either need to grow up and pay for it yourself, or let your parents have the wedding they want.

IMO it's going to come down to whose name is on the contract. That person in reality gets all the say. That being said, you should have a conversation with your mom and make the limits clear with one another. If she's expecting carte blanch and you disagree, you need to have a serious discussion about you having more say.

My parents are contributing (it hasn't happened yet) by paying for their part of the guest lists. My mom has made a few cracks about the appetizers and dinner because she wants a seafood dish. My FH said no seafood because I'm allergic to shellfish. I'm okay with it either way. I would just have to take extra precaution but FH isn't budging. I told my mom no, even though she is contributing. She gets it. Talk it out with your mom.

Are there items you feel very strongly about that you can afford to pay for yourselves? Can you tell your parents that because you really want certain flowers, or to have a certain type of ceremony, you'll pay for that portion of the wedding?

My parents are paying for 90 percent of our wedding (I paid for the photographer, videographer, etc. being those were things I was VERY picky about and it wasn't cheap) but me and mom are best friends so if there isn't something I like... I just tell her and we move on. I am also trying to be as budget conscious as possible, I don't just pick the most expensive thing because I know I am not paying. Me and my mom are on the same page with pretty much everything. BUT if I wasn't so lucky to have this.... I would pay for it myself. Would that mean having a much smaller wedding? Yes but it wouldn't be completely chosen by someone else. My parents have NEVER threw the fact that they are paying in my face. They are GENUINELY happy to be doing it.

If you want the final say you need to offer to pay for it. Its a bummer but you have to pick whether you want to pay for the wedding you want or settle for what they want and not have to pay.

When my daughter got married I told her a dollar amount that I would give her and I did just that. She spent it as she wished. No problems. She is now divorced and Ivam saving for her next wedding and will do the same as I did the first time. If I pay for the whole wedding so be it. She has the right to have what she wants. I have learned from watching friends going through the wedding process with their adult children and fighting over money. Nope not for me.

My father is paying for the whole wedding. He isn't happy about the alcohol, so we're paying for that. Dad has a lot of say in it, but I'm okay with that! I'm horrible with decisions and FH is super laid back. He has good taste though, so I don't mind at all.

Thank you so much for those of you who shared your personal experiences & suggestions! It really does help a lot to see people in the same situation and those who shared their thoughts! (Other than the 2 snarky women who called me spoiled, I thank all of you!)

And yes, we offered to pay multiple times. They insisted on paying because they want us to start of our married life with money in the bank, plus they are very traditional.

I think you pay your own way and you call your own shots. Because I can tell you that unless you have very, very unusual family dynamics, you will end up doing what they want, inviting who they'd like and by the time you get to next August, you'll hardly recognize your own wedding.

But it's more than that; it's the appreciation of something you created, saved for, and paid for yourself. I'm firmly believe that people value what they work for, not necessarily what is handed to them. Maybe that makes me traditional....

Thank your Celia! I appreciate the input. So far, they haven't had any big differences in opinion, so I'm hoping I'll still be able to recognize my wedding next August lol (:

It sounds like you don't really want the advice people have given you. If they are hosting your wedding then they do get a lot of say. You already said you will have guests there you don't know. If I were you I would say it's worth it to save and pay for your own wedding but that's not what you want to hear.

Well- if they are paying for everything- they are hosting- they get say.

If they are GIFTING you money for which you are using to plan your wedding- and they are truly GIFTING you the money- then you have more room to discuss and negotiate.

If you have a shitty relationship with your parents- then don't take their money and skip the headache all together.

It depends on your parents. If your mom is saying but we're paying on every detail, sounds like she's thinks she gets to plan everything. Even if someone was paying, I really don't understand why they would want to have so much control that the couple doesn't get the day of their dreams or in some cases a wedding they don't even like. You may just need to try and put your foot down and say what you want. If your mom holds her ground and says I'm paying I get to say what's what, then I suggest having a wedding you can afford to pay with on your own. Nothing wrong with that, and the wedding doesn't have to be big and expensive to be the day of your dreams. I would much rather have a small wedding surrounded by people I am friends with and actually like, rather than a big wedding that didn't feel like my own, surrounded by relatives I hadn't seen since I was 3. I had a small wedding, and the lower level of stress and peace and quiet was priceless. I have friends that let their parents take over there weddings and they really regret it. If you don't like the wedding your mother is planning, I suggest you take the reins and find a way to have the wedding you'll love.

I'd ask them straight up why they offered to pay. Because they genuinely want to help you and FH out, or because they want to have some control?

I don't agree with the "they pay they say" it's your wedding. If someone offers to help pay it should because they want your day to be special they way YOU want.

While I don't agree that gifting a wedding SHOULD mean that they get the final say on things, what can you really do about it in that kind of situation? You can (and probably should) talk to them about your concerns, but If your mother actually has been saying "but we're paying" in response to you objecting to something, I'm not sure they're really going to care about your concerns. Realistically, writing the check = power to have the final say. I do think that if you want ultimate control, you need to pay for it yourself. You keep saying they "insist" but I don't really get this. Unless they are physically restraining you from paying your vendors or something, you can make this call. It will probably involve a messy conversation with them, but I guess you need to figure out how badly you want the wedding that, well, YOU want.

@Frugal that phrase still works no matter how you say it. She isn't paying, she doesn't get a say.

My mom is graciously paying for everything. She picked my dress, I didn't. There is your perspective. If you want to pick a fight about every little detail, then you are spoiled. I picked fights at the beginning of planning and then I realized, at the end of the day, I will be married to him, so who the f*ck cares what the decorations and such look like. I chose the photographer and that is all I really cared about.

But thankfully my mom was raised with a silver spoon in her mouth so my wedding will be very will hosted, that is what truly matters.

You definitely get input, but in the end it's really their call. I wouldn't worry unless there are many issues you clash on.

My parents paid for our entire wedding. What is your relationship like with your parents? My mom was my planning partner in everything, but we have a close relationship. She also understood that it is MY wedding. Even if your parents are paying, it's not THEIR wedding. So they will have final say but if they are decent people, they will allow you to make the choices of what you want and what fits you and your FH. There were certain things that were important to her - for example, the food and picking a classy venue. But she understood my vision and also consented on certain things like having a shuttle for guests that I wanted. At the same time, I was very respectful of their budget and tried to find the best deals on everything without sacrificing my vision. I think my parents realized that which also helped. My FH and I paid for our own rings and our honeymoon, because my parents didn't think those things were something that they should pay for. Anything I REALLY wanted that my parents just wouldn't cover, I just bought myself. For example, my parents would not pay for a videographer so ultimately we ended up covering that cost ourselves! They also didn't see the need for an extra hour before the ceremony, which I KNEW we would need since we were doing a first look and pics before the ceremony at the venue, so I just went ahead and paid that cost. If its a "must have", then just pay for it yourself.