If they pay they say??

My parents are throwing our wedding, too. So far, my mom has been very clear about me and my fiance having final say on things. However, we still have a ways to go, just like you! I would say that you and your fiance should make a list of the things you want and rank which things are most important. Pick the few things that are most meaningful to you and work on explaining why you want those things your way and be willing to do the things toward the bottom of the list your parents' way as compromise.

That's a tough one. I get that they're paying, but in the long run its your wedding, not theirs. I would think you have alot of say on how you want things.. Are you planning as well with your parents? Or did you give them full permission to do as they want? I always hear about parents planned the wedding because they're paying but I would think they would as what u like or don't like. Kinda sounds a little unfair to throw the I'm paying so I say" card.. There has to be a line or compromise

As far as the additional guests who you don't know... I say they pay, they say. But if their guest list causes you to have to cut some of your guests off the list, that BS. I don't care who pays, that would be wrong. But it doesn't sound like that has happened.

As far as everything else goes... I think that you need to have a genuine sit down conversation with your parents, (especially your mom because moms tend to be more interested / invested in wedding details) but make sure dad is there too because he may be able to calm her so that it doesn't escalate into a mom vs daughter fight reminiscent of our teenage years.

Tell them how grateful you are for their help but that years from now you and your FH want to be able to look back at your wedding day and remember how it really reflected your identity as a couple, from the dress to the food to the venue to the colors, theme and decor.

That you are grateful for their help in giving you the opportunity to create this blessed day but that is a celebration of you and FH as a couple and your love. And you have dreamed of this day for months, years, since you were 3 yrs old, whatever and that you want to create the image in your head.

And if all else fails... Start paying for the things that you want that they won't cover or don't agree with. If you want a photo booth and they don't get the point of that... You could try to pay for it yourself to make sure that you are getting something you want. And then those items would be the bride / groom paid, so they say!

Honestly - if they are paying...they are hosting the party. I agree you should share your feelings for what you want. But if you come to a point where you are drawing a line, then you need to put up the money to pay for it. Maybe have a sit down meeting with your parents and talk about expectations. Your wedding is a year and a half away. You need to figure that out now so the rest of your planning can be joyful and you both know what to expect. And when it comes down to it - continue to be grateful to your parents even when they can be annoying. A lot of brides pay for their own weddings...so you are getting quite a gift.

I do think you have the right to ask your mother not to say that anymore.

First of all, I wish everyone had parents like mine who believe that a gift should be given with no expectation. I'm very lucky in that respect, but most people don't have parents like mine. A lot of parents see out differently: You and your FH are the "guests of honor," they are the "hosts." It's their party, thrown to celebrate your marriage. If you don't like it, host your own wedding.

"Where you draw the line" is that point at which you decide you'd rather pay for the wedding yourself than live with the conditions they are putting on it. You can't make them pay, so you either have to live with their conditions on payment or do without their payment.

You can always threaten to elope in Vegas... Just kidding!!! But hey, said once as a joke may be enough to make them see that you have recourse too... in addition to deciding to pay for the wedding yourselves and invite them as honored guests, rather than the other way around.

But if they know that you can't afford it.. The flippant elopement joke may just shock them out of their controlling stance.

Thank you for the responses! Yes, I'm the one planning it. I'm very close with my parents, so naturally I ask them their opinion on things, there has only been a few small bumps but I kind of wanted to get everything ironed out before we get full fledged into planning.

And in terms of those who suggested we pay if we want things differently: my parents would never let that happen. I'm the only girl and supposedly they've had this money set aside since I was a baby lol.

They'd never let that happen because you're the only girl?

Ok. Now you just sound spoiled.

"My parents would never let me" = You're not old enough to get married. Let being the operative word.

They may be hurt, disappointed, whatever and that's great about the money. I have been in your shoes and it's not all fun. I refer to my first wedding as my parents' party.

You do relinquish control with money. Hence the term "purse strings."

Determine with your fh what you want and have a calm, respectful talk with your parents. Act like adults and most likely you will be treated as such. It's a big lesson but a gratifying one

Hate to say it but it doesn't matter what advice we give, they'll do what they want in the end. So id have a conversation about boundaries and expectations before any money exchanges hands otherwise you could be in for a long ride.

I think you need to sit down with them and have a talk about what your goals are for the wedding. For example, what feel do each of you want the wedding to have? What's the goal for the event? (Is it to talk to friends, have fun, look glam, etc) I think if you approach it from a cooperative angle you'll both be able to understand how to compromise. There also needs to be an honest discussion of the fact that it sounds like you neither asked nor expected your parents to pay. While you're obviously grateful, you also signed on for a gift, not for a wedding solely planned by your mother to suit her whims. At the end of the day, I'm sure they just want you to be happy. So my advice is to work with them (make sure your mom doesn't think you're being a bridezilla) but honestly and precisely explain what you need from the wedding in order to avoid being disappointed later.

Money never comes without strings attached. The sooner you learn this the better off you will be, not just for your wedding but for life. If you let your parents pay you could possibly end up with a giant wedding that has no resemblance to anything you wanted. The only way to avoid that is by paying for it yourself. If you're an adult your parents shouldn't have to "let you" do anything. My parents paid for most my older sisters wedding, I saw how that went. When I got engaged I told them I flat out refuse to let them pay for anything. I agreed to let them contribute a very small amount equal to what FH dad offered us. At least once a day I think about how easy it would be just to take their money and use our money for a honeymoon to Greece. But in the end I know we won't get the wedding we want or anything even close to it.

It's really depends on your relationship. Maybe it would be easier if you paid if it's becoming that big of an issue. My mom is paying for the majority of the wedding. My dad and grandmother have also contributed. Some people (like my FIL's) will hold anything over your head if they give you a gift. I have often joked with my mom how screwed I would be if she did that to me. My mom has invited many people and I don't mind because most of them I know. My grandmother has also invited people and that doesn't bother me at all. To me that never had a "well the are paying". They have always respected that the final say was ours. You need to really talk to your family and have them know you want the final say to be yours. If they can't respect that then you are going to be stuck footing the bill, or you deal with having the wedding they want.

You need to have a serious sit down with them. My parents gave FH and I a specific amount that was extremely generous and should cover the entire wedding. My mother had a couple requests - mostly that she wanted really high quality food, because she feels that's very important to hosting a proper event. Other than that, they basically said "your budget, your decisions". I wrote the guest list and she gave final approval. We chose a venue that limited guest availability and no complaints. No complaints over the date we chose, even though I know she secretly wanted an outdoor wedding. I think it's kind of petty to offer someone a gift and tie a bunch of strings to it. My parents, FH, and I all sat down for a big breakfast and talked it out. It was a bit awkward at first, but so glad we did that.

I'm very thankful that I'm not dealing with this. My dad, mom, and FMIL all chipped in a little, and they have not made any requests at all except for me to invite my dad's cousins whom I already had on the list anyways. If they're paying for the whole thing, unfortunately they do have a lot of say. That being said, I don't understand why money always has to come with strings attached. It shouldn't turn into "their wedding". If it is, that's when you need to bite the bullet and pay for it yourself unfortunately.

We gifted all 4 of our girls their weddings. It was imperative to me that at the end of the evening they and their new husbands had the wedding THEY wanted.

The only strings on my money was this: thou shalt host and treat thy guests like gold. That just really means proper hosting and that was never a problem because we tried to bring them up with very good manners and courtesy.

Of the 4 girls 2 are my bio DDs and 2 are my stepDDs. For my 2 girls I did ask if they would invite my 2 best friends to their weddings because they had known my girls since they were little and still had a good relationship with them. My girls already had them on the guest list before I asked.

Here is the thing about "at what point would you draw the line?" The person giving the money is the one who decides what kind of strings come with it. Since they control the money it is up to them whether or not they give you complete control or try to take over your wedding.

I do find it sad when parents offer to pay and then brush the wishes of the B&G aside. My aunt did that to my cousin to the point she was having panic attacks (and my aunt was paying for very very little). They eloped.

What kinds of things does your mom want to do that you don't care for?

Im in a similar situation with my mom. a few things ive done:

1) had a heart to heart with her about how her pulling the "money card" all the time ultimately made me feel guilty about them paying for the wedding, and made me feel like she was trying to control my life.

2) whenever she suggests a detail or idea, even if i dont like it, i never say no right away. I tell her I will think about how that could fit into my wedding.

3) on a similar note, I pick my battles. not everything is worth having an argument over. we've been able to come to some agreeable compromises.

4) FH and i sat down and decided how much we can contribute and what things we want to pay for so we can have full say. we let my parents know which things we are paying for.

after the first couple weeks, my mom really calmed down with the "I pay, I say" thing. I dont think she realized how different our styles are and was upset that I was pushing back. My dad has also had an attitude that its whatever i want, within budget. I think we've come to a place where everyone is happy at least for now. good luck!

The phrase is actually "no pay, no say." The reverse is not necessarily true. In my book, they get input, but you and your FH still have the final say. Remember, giving in on something they really want will allow you more easily to veto suggestions you really don't want later.