Rayne
Devoted August 2013

I have his ex's wedding date?!

Rayne, on December 17, 2012 at 9:48 AM Posted in Planning 0 46
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So as it turns out, YES, DF did pick the exact same day for our wedding that he had picked for his and CEF (Cheating Ex Fiancee)

I mentioned this to F-MIL and she thought it was odd that we had so many similarities. I was able to find out that not only was it the same day BUT ALSO same location, same theme, and same wedding colors.

....

I raised hell. If there was ever a time I felt like a justified bridezilla, it was yesterday.

I'm not her replacement or substitution and there is no way in HELL i am going to mirror what they planned together. RAWR I have no clue how im going to adjust this considering i love everything we planned so far.

He just lost all say in the wedding planning and he knows it.

46 Comments

Latest activity by Jen, on December 17, 2012 at 5:15 PM
  • Mrs. Simmons
    VIP April 2013
    Mrs. Simmons ·
    • Flag

    :/ Oh wow. I would be pissed to say the least. Probably wouldn't be so inclined to just jump into a marriage with someone who was just trying to use me as a replacement.

    • Reply
  • Tach
    Master July 2012
    Tach ·
    • Flag

    That is really messed up! Just out of curiosity how long ago did he break things off with the CEF?

    • Reply
  • Lizz M.
    Master March 2013
    Lizz M. ·
    • Flag

    Wow... that is extremely messed up. I would also like to know how long it has been since the biznatch left his life? Have you tried talking to him about his reasons why?

    • Reply
  • Mrs. S™
    Master October 2011
    Mrs. S™ ·
    • Flag

    FMIL thought that was ODD? There is an understatement of the century.

    • Reply
  • lov3ualways
    VIP July 2013
    lov3ualways ·
    • Flag

    I probably would've flipped out if that happen to me. Sorry you are going through it.

    Wondering how you found out? Maybe I should ask FH what date he married his ex...oh sh*t now you have me thinking....

    • Reply
  • Latisha
    Expert September 2014
    Latisha ·
    • Flag

    That's a major issue. I would be asking him why he is trying to copycat his ex? Did he just really like those ideas or is he really not over the situation? Either way somebody has some explaining to do.

    • Reply
  • Samantha
    Master May 2013
    Samantha ·
    • Flag

    Wtf. How long has he been out of that relationship? It may not be the case - but it sounds like he may not be over it yet.

    • Reply
  • Rayne
    Devoted August 2013
    Rayne ·
    • Flag

    They split about five years ago and we've been together for almost 3 but he STILL has issues with her and refuses to go anywhere he might run into her.

    >Smiley sad Im about ready to put the whole thing on hold until he gets over her and moves the hell on. I understand he lost his V to her and she put him through hell.

    BUT HELLO?! I picked up the pieces and supported him throughout his entire military career. Im freaking pregnant with his child. One would assume Id be abit higher on his priority list than a CEF he hasnt spoken to in years.

    • Reply
  • R
    Master June 2015
    RayRay ·
    • Flag

    Wow, I would definitely pump the brakes on this one. If he refuses to go anywhere that she may be, he's obviously not over it completely. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, especially while carrying his child..

    • Reply
  • Lizz M.
    Master March 2013
    Lizz M. ·
    • Flag

    Wow Rayne. Just... wow. I can't imagine being in your situation and I'm sorry you have to be, especially while you are pregnant.

    • Reply
  • Mrs. Wilson
    VIP August 2013
    Mrs. Wilson ·
    • Flag

    I would as well say don't rush things

    • Reply
  • Mrs. S™
    Master October 2011
    Mrs. S™ ·
    • Flag

    I'm really sorry, Rayne. But this is a much bigger issue than the wedding.

    • Reply
  • Rayne
    Devoted August 2013
    Rayne ·
    • Flag

    Im trying to be understanding and calm about all of this. After all I was in an abusive relationship for a while before I met him, and it took a while for me to get past the damage done. I know its not something you just 'forget'

    I just cant get 'unmad'! When we first started dating we talked and I thought we worked past CEF. He never brought her up again and we were fine. If it wasnt the fact that his sister mentioned the similar wedding date I wouldnt have even known.

    I confronted him about it and he denied it wanting to know where i got that idea. Ok, thats fine, maybe F-SIL was mistaken.

    Then he calls me back later that night and apologizes, saying he realized that he unconsciously picked the same month and felt terrible.

    I asked him what else was similar. pretty much every thing he said he wanted in the wedding.

    awesome.

    • Reply
  • R
    Master June 2015
    RayRay ·
    • Flag

    Now my gears started turning.

    It didn't matter WHO I was marrying, there are many things about the wedding I dreamed of having that would have been the same. Big, beautiful church, white ballgown, pink colors etc, etc. Just because he wanted certain things doesn't mean it had anything to do with her. It's possible, so that's up to you to find out.

    On the other hand, the part of him actually taking time to consider if she would be places before he decides to go just to avoid her... that's not healthy. The way I always knew I was over an ex was to see them and not feel a thing. Not hate, sadness, longing, nothing. Peace. That's the real problem here, IMO.

    Just talk with him and be careful not to jump to conclusions. I think there are many ways this situation could go, but that's between y'all.

    • Reply
  • Candice B.
    Master July 2013
    Candice B. ·
    • Flag

    OH, HELL TO THE NOOOOO!! OMG! I just want to hug you right now! I'm sorry you have to go through this, especially while you're preggers. But that is NOT OK!! and I agree with Mrs. S, this issue is much bigger.

    • Reply
  • Adrienne
    VIP August 2015
    Adrienne ·
    • Flag

    I agree with Mrs. S. as well. He has lost his damn mind. He needs to get his priorities in check!

    • Reply
  • Karen
    Super May 2013
    Karen ·
    • Flag

    I agree with Rayy_chull: there are things about my wedding that I would have wanted regardless of who I was marrying. You definitely have every right to be upset, but I'd take a step back and think about each thing individually.

    Location, theme, colors, wedding date. Is the location a church or another place that holds special importance? If so, I wouldn't worry about that. I've definitely heard of people getting married in the same place twice. Theme and colors: is your theme very specific and/or personal to him?

    I would be a little concerned about the situation with the ex. I have two ex-BFs who I don't voluntarily see. One I haven't spoken to in nearly four years. The other I haven't seen in 1.5 years, but I'm good friends with his brother and SIL so I know that I will. If I can avoid seeing them, I do. If I can't avoid seeing them (like if I go to a party where I know one will be--which has happened), I grin and bear it. If he can't do that, then there could be issues.

    • Reply
  • B
    Expert July 2013
    BethBlue1115 ·
    • Flag

    Wait - was it the same day, or just the same month? If just the same month, well that's not as bad as the same day. Question - how many of these similar details were ideas HE came up with, vs. what you suggested and he just went with it? Not that's I'm downplaying what happened, because I would be furious as well, but if he just agreed with some of these similarities, but you picked them out, then its possible he just wanted you to be happy and have the wedding you want, and the rest is just a coincidence. But if these were things he really really wanted, I'd have a conversation about WHY he chose them.

    • Reply
  • Iris
    Master February 2014
    Iris ·
    • Flag

    I dont think you should hit the brakes on him or any of it. I dont think you should be too mad, for too long. here's why:

    1. You said yourself you love all the plans. So you found out it's the same as CEF, ok be a tad upset. But if you love everything prior to this info, what's the difference. I dont see him using you as a replacement, maybe he just had a a perfect vision of the wedding, just needed the perfect woman, YOU!

    2. If he was truly trying to replace her it wouldnt necessarily have anything to do w/the wedding. Afterall, we all know the wedding is just a day, an event. If he was using you as replacement, he'd want you to be exactly like her, in your life, not just 1 event.

    3. He doesnt want to go anywhere that she could be? IMO that has nothing to do w/him "not being over her". Have you ever considered he might have PTSD? PTSD isnt just from military drama. I should know. I had PTSD, I was in the Army, but mine was related to the fact that I married a cheater,

    • Reply
  • Iris
    Master February 2014
    Iris ·
    • Flag

    But an abuser, so much so he almost killed me by choking. Yeah I had PTSD for almost 6 years, nightmares, flashbacks, paranoia (thinking he's gonna show up where I'm at). PTSD is different for everyone. And not everyone can handle trauma/ emotional damage the same. Just b/c he's a man doesnt mean that he can handle certain emotional trauma as well as anyone else. Now that is more on the mental health side. Maybe it's the pain & damage he's not over, not her. I could care 2 shits about my ex, but I still sometimes catch myself being afraid of physical situations (when playing/sexy wrestling w/FH). That's the damage done & it's hard to recover. Some good amount of counceling & love helped.

    So take a step back, be mad for a bit, but then go about your life loving each other. He apologized, you love the plans - dont change them just out of spite - & forget about CEF.

    • Reply

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