Rayne
Devoted August 2013

I have his ex's wedding date?!

Rayne, on December 17, 2012 at 9:48 AM

Posted in Planning 46

So as it turns out, YES, DF did pick the exact same day for our wedding that he had picked for his and CEF (Cheating Ex Fiancee) I mentioned this to F-MIL and she thought it was odd that we had so many similarities. I was able to find out that not only was it the same day BUT ALSO same location,...

So as it turns out, YES, DF did pick the exact same day for our wedding that he had picked for his and CEF (Cheating Ex Fiancee)

I mentioned this to F-MIL and she thought it was odd that we had so many similarities. I was able to find out that not only was it the same day BUT ALSO same location, same theme, and same wedding colors.

....

I raised hell. If there was ever a time I felt like a justified bridezilla, it was yesterday.

I'm not her replacement or substitution and there is no way in HELL i am going to mirror what they planned together. RAWR I have no clue how im going to adjust this considering i love everything we planned so far.

He just lost all say in the wedding planning and he knows it.

46 Comments

  • WasSoon2BMrsSmith
    Master September 2010
    WasSoon2BMrsSmith ·
    • Flag

    I have a clue how your going to adjust this considering you love everything you planned so far.

    Find a new groom and do it in a few years. This guy clearly does't respect you, he's looking for her and well clearly she didn't want him. You don't have to be second choice. I would NEVER ever marry someone who was trying to make me their ex. pathetic. (not you, him)

    • Reply
  • Mrs. S™
    Master October 2011
    Mrs. S™ ·
    • Flag

    Has anybody ever met a man who dreamed of his wedding ever since he was 5?

    • Reply
  • Mrs. Simmons
    VIP April 2013
    Mrs. Simmons ·
    • Flag

    @ Mrs. S. I know I certainly haven't. My FH didn't even think about his wedding until he asked me to marry him. And lucky me, he's very excited! & likes picking things out Smiley smile Personally I think this is a big red flag!

    • Reply
  • Mrs. S™
    Master October 2011
    Mrs. S™ ·
    • Flag

    I agree some men like wedding planning, we've even seen them here :-) I have just never met a man who had wanted particular colors, location or a theme before being engaged.

    • Reply
  • IrishLove™
    Master October 2013
    IrishLove™ ·
    • Flag

    Picking the same month, or even colors, it happens... I Know a girl who was suppose to get marry and sadly it didn't work out, she picked the same colors because she always wanted it and the same season she went from the 2nd weekend in October the 1st time to this time the last weekend in September for her upcoming wedding. I'm sure he isn't so love with his ex that he chose the same date. Maybe he really just forgot, like you said its been 5 years. It's possible he wanted October and saw an open weekend and picked it? I mean even his mother forgot and she is a girl. I don't think you need to take all wedding planning away from him. I do think you need to talk it out, but I don't think he did this on purpose. OH and I forgot to add too she is getting married in the same spot (her church) and the reception hall in the same spot because it is amazingly beautiful and it is what she has always dreamed about.

    • Reply
  • syyyysy
    Dedicated October 2013
    syyyysy ·
    • Flag

    I agree. I'd say pause things for a bit. This is more than just odd; it seems like there is more to it than the obvious. Good luck to you!

    • Reply
  • Gee O. aka Happily Wifed Up
    Master June 2012
    Gee O. aka Happily Wifed Up ·
    • Flag

    Have you asked him Why?

    Or we are here, just playing the "assumption" role? Or have there been other signs of him gunning for a replacement with you or just this wedding instance?

    • Reply
  • Iris
    Master February 2014
    Iris ·
    • Flag

    Amy V: I dont think I've loved anything you've said better lol

    I can attest that some men do have visions of what they want on the wedding. Not since they're 5, but then again not all women do that either. My FH knew he wanted silver as 1 of the colors knew he wanted something offbeat (masque) we were talking wedding shop before we ever got engaged, it was our fantasy (yes we wanted the "wedding" before we wanted the marriage, nothing wrong w/dreaming). Getting FH to help w/plans is a different story, but he indeed had a vision of what he wanted. I bought corset for my dress when I was w/ my last ex bf. Had nothing to do w him, I thought we could get married, but he made it clear he wasnt ready. I bought it cuz I had a vision of what I'd wear, no matter the groom.

    So what if he just so happened to plan it w/his ex & now you? Like Amy said, they're exes for a reason, clearly he's marrying you.

    • Reply
  • Leisa
    Super March 2013
    Leisa ·
    • Flag

    Wow!! Umm..........think this one through. Something is just not right about that whole situation.

    • Reply
  • Andrea
    Devoted March 2020
    Andrea ·
    • Flag

    ...hhmmm, while I don't think you should jump to conclusions.. a wedding you never forget. So to assume he "may" have forgotten the details of his wedding of 5 years (NOT 20!) ago seems a little contrived. Not to mention as you were making these plans im sure some of the things would have resonated with him, including the date (HELLO!) Lets not be naive here. Also, even if he did just like the theme, I find it VERY disrespectful to my Fiance, to duplicate a wedding I previously had with someone else. Now believe me, I am not implying you are a "replacement" or anything along those lines. But it does sound like he has some "possible" standing issues/love/hurt for his Ex. I would most definitely have a serious heart to heart and figure out what the hell is going on with him, before I continue with the wedding.

    • Reply
  • R
    Master June 2015
    RayRay ·
    • Flag

    My FH is about as uninterested in planning a wedding as he would be shopping for tampons, but he still had ideas and opinions that he let slip out and I think it even surprised him! He was adament about a church, and got upset when I mentioned having it all at one place to save money. He wanted a banquet room instead of an old house or somewhere everyone would be split up. He couldn't care less about most of the stuff as long as we get married in the end, but every guy has a few suggestions. Heck, I'm amazed at some of the men on here that actually post questions! My FH would have never... but he STILL had a couple of opinions. 80% of the time he just nods at whatever I suggest and goes along with it.

    Depending on this guy, it may be the same way. If he was adament and suggested all these things....... that may be a different story. But if you mentioned this date, this church, or this color and he supported your decision.... different situation entirely.

    • Reply
  • Iris
    Master February 2014
    Iris ·
    • Flag

    Andrea: she said CEF: cheating ex FIANCE, fiance being key word. Technically they never HAD a wedding, only planned it. Now if it did resonate with him he is wrong for not saying something beforehand. What we really should be asking is what is Rayne really pissed about. Does she really find it disrespectful that he planned their wedding the same as with his ex? Or is the true issue just that his ex was brought up?

    case in point: FH has done wrong things in our relationship, I used to feel he's being just like my ex husband. When in reality he's not even remotely close to making those mistakes. The true issue is just that I was reminded of my ex, not that FH is being like that.

    Perhaps the real issue is that she's reminded of his ex, not that he's pinning after his ex or disrespecting her. None of us want to be reminded of bad things in the past. But that doesnt mean it has anything to do with what's going on in the present

    • Reply
  • Mrs.L
    Expert July 2013
    Mrs.L ·
    • Flag

    Id think about this. DO NOT JUMP INTO ANYTHING!! My hubby was married before and when i brought up something he said no i had that last time and it didnt work so i dont wanna do it again. I was engaged before and and have gone in the same direction i was when planning my wedding then. Same theme same ideas just different date and different colors. Id weigh your options because now i think things are getting out of hand. If he was trying to replace her with you dont you think after 3 years? you would know that by now. 2 have you every considered that she was a CHEATING EX. Maybe he was more into planning it then she was because she was too busy being a CHEATER. So maybe they were his ideas first. OR what if she put them together and he really liked them liked the vision and just wanted the right female to watch down the isle to him. I think your getting in over your head by thinking you are a replacment. Relax, look at the bigger picture here and stop looking at the small things.

    • Reply
  • Mrs.L
    Expert July 2013
    Mrs.L ·
    • Flag

    You have time yet. So change the date maybe same month but throw it off a day. Pick a lighter shade if the colors are the same. Add a twist or suggest to him something different. Dont throw your relationship or wedding into a burn barrel until you have facts in place. NOTHING sucks more than thinking what might have been!!!

    • Reply
  • IrishLove™
    Master October 2013
    IrishLove™ ·
    • Flag

    Going off what Ray_Chull just posted.. when talking to our photographer FH never once mentioned he wanted a slide show of our pictures to play during cock tail hour until he said it there and I was taken back and then he told our photographer that since we are getting married in October he wants to do apple cider toast hard liquor for those who can and regular for those who can... never once did he say anything to me. Guys want to plan. He is very outspoken when it comes to the wedding. He has a ton of ideas. not saying I agree with them all like the apple cider thing but I'm happy he tells me.

    • Reply
  • R
    Master June 2015
    RayRay ·
    • Flag

    I encouraged FH to give me opinions!!! And Soon2beMrs.K, he was like yours! He never mentioned it to me, but when something would come up at a vendor appointment and I'd be like, oh, didn't know you cared about that. Don't discourage it! I want this to be OUR wedding and not just what I want. I definitely doubt most men have "dreamed" of their wedding but I think we'd all be surprised what aspects they have opinions/desires to do. Since he only had a few requests, they were all seriously taken into consideration and we did them!

    • Reply
  • Rayne
    Devoted August 2013
    Rayne ·
    • Flag

    I was finallly able to sit on the phone awhile with FH and talk things out. Alot of it was him apologizing for being thickheaded and alot of it was us trying to figure out what was really bothering me about this situation.

    As it turns out (much to my relief) alot of the similarities turned out to be coincidences or just minor things that FH didnt think i would mind.

    Date: FH realized that was a mistake on his part and felt really bad about choosing the exact same day and month. It was special to them (an anniversary or something), so its just been a date that was stuck in his head and he understood my distaste for it.

    We are planning on moving the wedding date into a different month.

    Colors: Blue and white are FH family clan colors so those would be his choice regardless of bride, but apparently CEF and I both picked Silver as a third color so he just went with it and didnt say anything for fear of upsetting me.

    CONT...

    • Reply
  • Rayne
    Devoted August 2013
    Rayne ·
    • Flag

    Theme: CEF had picked Celtic seemingly only because she knew FH would approve and 'classic glamour' cus she liked shiny stuff. Considering both I and FH are Scottish-Irish, Im keeping the Celtic. I know it was shared with them, but screw it, its OUR wedding and we want it.

    there were some other minor things that we worked out.

    It wasnt that FH was 'TRYING' to replace her with me, but that i felt that in a way. So we are spending time talking, adjusting, and actually communicating on things.

    FH is dealing with PSTD at the moment so im taking things slower and calmer than i usually would.

    I love him and he loves me, this isnt something i would drop him over, but it just means that we need to slow and take our time to make sure we are on the same page before we tie the knot ^_^

    I really want to thank all of you for your support. with him being gone, its hard to figure out what something means or where his mind is at.

    • Reply
  • Lizz M.
    Master March 2013
    Lizz M. ·
    • Flag

    I'm glad you were able to sit down and talk it out. It sounds like you are getting to be on the same page. GL!!! We are here for you!!

    • Reply
  • R
    Master June 2015
    RayRay ·
    • Flag

    Good for you! It's your wedding and if you want something I wouldn't let some stupid ex change your mind! So glad everything was cleared up!

    • Reply

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