I had to fire a bridesmaid....Long story inside

The only financial obligations they have to my wedding is paying for their hair to be done the day of, getting their nails done, paying for their significant other's suit rental if they are a groomsman, and whatever they contribute to the bridal events. That's all. It is my understanding that that is pretty standard of being in a wedding. I did all of those things and even paid for new shoes and my dress in weddings that I have been in.

Apparently this blew her mind.

On top of that whole fiasco, over the course of my engagement she has ridiculed or made snide, unnecessary comments about my ring (it's a gorgeous moissanite solitaire, not a diamond), my dress (despite me lighting up like a lightbulb and instantly knowing it was the one before I left the dressing room, she swore up and down that I was pressured into choosing that one because it was the store I had always stood at the window of as a child and admired the displays), my other bridesmaid-we will call her "B" (she tried over a course of several months to get me to kick her out of the party because she didn't like her and didn't think she would be a good bridesmaid. Actually, she ended up being the one to shoulder ALL the planning and has been an AMAZING bridesmaid even though she is at the end of nursing speed school and planning her OWN wedding two weeks after mine!). When I started my mission of losing weight for the wedding, I went in for another try on of the dress and the sales lady said it zipped up easier on me this time that the first time I put it on! I was proud and excited, so I shared this news with "A" and her comment was, and I quote EXACTLY, "well they're trained to say things like that to make you feel good." .........

My FH's parents are divorced and remarried. There was a possibility that all three moms were going to throw me bridal showers so that all corners of the family could attend one without any discomfort. When this bridesmaid was told this, she flat out told me that it was the stupidest thing she's ever heard of.

Another fun story: I gave her permission to plan the bachelor/bachelorette party since "B" had plenty going on with her own situation and I didn't want to burden her. She ended up planning a trip to Nashville (about 3 hours away) for a whole weekend while promising me that we would get free hotel rooms with her casino points. Great! Sounds wonderful! Let's do it. Well, I was kept out of the loop after that, and those free hotel rooms turned into $600 hotel rooms....per person. Half of our bridal party consists of couples. It was going to cost those people $1,200 per couple to pay for the rooms. Not including food and gas and entertainment. When "B" heard the price, they flat out told her they couldn't afford it (had I known just how much it was going to cost I would have NEVER given the okay. That is absurd to ask of our friends). "A" threw A FIT. I would actually classify it as a tantrum. She said she was NOT going to plan anything anymore, she was done. "B" took it upon herself instantly to plan it. Bless her. From then on, it went downhill fast.

***During this time, "A" had put on a good amount of weight. Going up probably 2 dress sizes***

I told all the girls that they could wear shoes they already own so long as they are nude, BUT NO HOOKER PLATFORM HEELS (duh). They were told this when we were wedding dress shopping. I sent a message to "A" asking to see her shoes, and reminded her no hooker shoes. She got really mad at me. Apparently her shoes were more appropriate for the stripper pole than my wedding.

I gave the girls months notice in advance when we would need to go in and try on bridesmaid dresses and order so they would be in on time, with several reminders of the appointment date. They all said they would be there. 45 minutes before the appointment time, "A" blew up my phone with calls and texts asking that I please spare her the embarrassment and not make her try on dresses. She's probably not going to fit in a size 14 right now, but would I please order her a size 10 and she promises she will fit in it by my wedding (4 months away at that point).....I tried for several minutes to tell her that was NOT a good idea and she needed to get a dress that fit her NOW and just get alterations if it was too big. She refused. So I ordered her a 10 against my better judgement. *sigh*

Bachelorette party was planned, event invites were sent out by "B" to the entire bridal party. The girls are going to go shopping and get manis/pedis and then get dressed up and meet the boys out for a fun dinner and go drinking and dancing. "A" said she would not be attending because she doesn't want to pay for manis/pedis and can't go shopping (how in the h*ll was she going to pay $1,200 for hotel room in Nashville, but can't go shopping or get a $30 manicure???) Whatever.

The dates for the bridal showers were scheduled, I informed her of them. She is out of town for one of them, and the other she has on her calender unless she schedules a party (she sells things on the side as a second job)...........the shit just keep building and building.

The last straw:

I tell her that the Friday night before the wedding (side note: rehearsal and dinner is on the Wednesday before the wedding due to venue availability), we're going to do a girls day/night. We're going to get our wedding manicures and go have a fun dinner, and go to a local horse show (I ride and show horses). She said she would not be attending. She also wouldn't be coming to any of the fun get-togethers (craft days to assemble invitations, make favors, put together programs, etc...she called them BS)

It probably doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but I snapped. It was the straw that broke the camel's back.

The conversations that followed were not nice, they weren't pretty, and I was ~mad~. She had hurt my feelings for months. Given me nervous breakdowns, I had cried, I was mad. I shouldn't feel that way leading up to the most important day of my life. Noone else and nothing else had given me stress, except her. She didn't seem like she cared or was even interested in being part of this. It wasn't important to her.

She wouldn't meet me in person to talk about things, so we did it by email (at her insistence). It took a day for me to finally take a deep breath and say that this isn't working out, and I'm so glad I did. Once it was over (she was fine with it), I felt like a giant weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I felt so.......relieved. Like I can actually enjoy the rest of the process now.

Fortunately, I have a dear friend from High School that lives in another state (driving distance) that offered to step in and take her place, and she is beyond excited to be a part of it all. I immediately called the bridal store and returned the size 10 and they exchanged it for a new size. Whew!

If you read this whole thing, you're amazing.

Have any of you had to fire a bridesmaid or on the verge of it??

I haven't. One of the reasons I'm keeping it to family only and my best friend of almost 20 years, is to avoid that stuff.

Edit: I hit post on accident. It sucks that you had to deal with all of that from her, but I'm glad it's over. Now you can focus on having fun!

The tl;dr version is basically that she didn't want to show up to three separate showers, do your projects with/for you and pay for stuff that she can't afford? oh and take off an extra day of work (assuming) on the friday before your wedding after probably having to leave work on the wednesday before?

am i reading that right?

granted, it sounds like she dropped the ball on the nashville thing, but other than that it all sounds really petty.

1) Thank you for a long story to keep me occupied on a boring work day

2) I am so glad you fired this girl, she def didn't deserve to be part of your special day

3) Sorry you had to go through this!!!

and 4) Yay for your HS friend being able to step in and the dress being able to be exchanged!

It all worked out the way it was suppose to and I hope from now you enjoy the planning process!

I just had to read the whole thing - this was so well written!

And seriously that sucks - sorry that your BM totally flopped but awesome news is that you have someone better stepping in to help/support you on your big day. Good riddance crazy one!

Kate: She didn't want to attend ANY showers, bachelorette party, or the Friday (evening, not day) before the wedding. She would not have had to take any days off from work Wednesday or Friday. She didn't want to be a bridesmaid or do anything that goes along with that commitment. It wasn't just one of those things, it was the buildup of all of those things.

Danielle and FMR: Thanks ladies I'm SO grateful to my HS friend, I've known her for 10-11 years, and I will forever be so grateful to her for what she has done ^_^

Playing devils advocate here but did you ever ask her if there was something going on with HER?

Sometimes its not always about us! People have things going on that they try not to let everyone know. Maybe just maybe she was stressed out too and didn't know how to deal with it. Granted she may not have handled it in the right way but still...I kinda feel for her!

And you op!

If you’re less stressed now that she isn’t a BM, then that’s good. But I have to say that it may have been too much for her to handle - everyone has a different opinion of whats "required" from BMs. I’m only asking my girls to get sized for their dresses and show up. Everything else is optional.

Didnt really fired her but it was a mutual feeling, we ended our friendship as well. glad you got that monkey off your back now you can continue on planning without the extra stress. Happy Planning :-)

Ok. but even if she didn't have to take off work there could have been other reasons. you say she didn't WANT to be a bridesmaid, but that you were the one who fired her. i haven't found a good reason for you to have fired her honestly (and i did read the whole thing). her financial issues are none of your business, you could have let her do her own hair, etc. maybe there is something going on in HER life?

i asked nothing of my bridesmaids honestly. there wasn't much of a commitment required of them other than the day of my wedding. anything else that they did was on their own

Whether you were asking for the least or the most, you don't need anyone that is just plain rude around you during your planning time and on your wedding day. And she does sound pretty rude with some of those comments.

In other news...we're date twins!

Actually I'd say the tl;dr version is more like friend agreed to be in bridal party, then became a snarky cuntactic person about anything related to the wedding.

Its one thing to go "Hey sorry, not my thing but I'll be standing with you!" to making remarks about what people are doing or trying to invite you to so you are "apart" of it beyond the wedding day. No one had a gun to her head to make her do anything let alone to make her say uncalled for things - like calling any of the crafting parties BS or putting her friend down over the dress she chose. That isn't how you treat your friends. She could have easily said " I'm sorry, its not my thing..".

@Liz - Its a shame that you had a person who was bringing you down in such a way. Its always hard to go "This isn't working." with anyone. But at least now you can focus on your wedding and relax.

Yes, there could have been something going on with her! You're right! And there probably was. I should have said that I asked her several times over a period of time if she was okay, if everything was alright, did she want to talk. Despite what it may have sounded like in my story, I'm not a Bridezilla. It wasn't "about me" constantly, I inquired if anything was going on. I got the same answer every.single.time.

"I'm fine".

Okay then.

I'm with Kate on this one. Then again, I only had my closest friends as part of the wedding party. Some of the stuff you mentioned wouldn't have been enough to cause me to end such strong friendships.

Wow! You put up with it waaaay longer than I would have!

But I defintely can see this situation heading my way also..... I have a completely MIA bridesmaid, who cant attend anything, (even things ive planned 2 months ahead.... ) cant return calls, or even just hang out! but I see her all the time posting things with other people. very frustrarting, and I defintely jumped the gun on this one!

Liz, I'm with you. If she was feeling pressure, or didn't want to be in the bridal party, or had things going on in her life, she should have said something to you! Communication is a 2-way street, and she should have said something to you if she had personal issues. You put up with her way longer than I would have. Props to you for standing up for yourself and doing what's best for you and YOUR wedding! And how amazing to have your HS friend be able to step in for you! That's wonderful! Good luck and best wishes for smooth sailing the rest of your planning!

Samantha: I'm not sure how strong our friendship really was to be honest.....our relationship was built more on her husband and by FH are really close, so let's be civil. And then we started to get a little more friendly. Then this happened. I believe I asked her for the wrong reasons; to try and make our friendship stronger. Unfortunately it did the opposite.

So sorry you had to go through that. I was a little luckier. I had to let mine go after only planning for a month. She didn't approve of ANYTHING. Dress, shoes, food, colors, or even the date. And she expected me to pay for everything. I'm still inviting her to everything and want to be there, but she isn't talking to me right now.

@Liz you did fine. Some people like to let other people always be the "problem"

I'm sorry you had to go through all of this! Friendships should be simple and easy, and this relationship sounds far from it. I know that we all have friends that we argue with once in a while etc., but it should not be THIS difficult and continual. My best friend and I fight maybe once every two years, and we are always able to talk it out and come out stronger. It doesn't seem like she wants to talk anything through with you and in the end, its probably all for the best.

So sorry you had to deal with all that, but it's awesome that you had a friend that was able to step in and fill her spot. I would have asked "A" why she agreed to be a bridesmaid when you asked if she had no intention of doing any of the things that go along with it.

I came close to firing one of my MOH's, I have two. At every turn she was either trying to make the whole thing about her or questioning every decision I made off it wasn't something she would have chosen. I came to the conclusion that she was jealous. She got married when she was 18, it didn't last long. It was a simple courthouse wedding. She had no reception or anything like that. My other friend and I were her"bridal party". We were only 17 so we had no real clue what our duties were to be. She told me she was upset because we didn't do all the things that they are doing for me. Luckily she called down and hasn't done anything recently. Maybe jealousy was the case with "A". At any rate, glad you got the whole situation straightened out.