I had to fire a bridesmaid....Long story inside

I guess I didn't confirm or deny that all of these events were......"required". Because they weren't. They were optional. They were an excuse to get together with my friends and do something fun with a goal in mind.

I was completely okay with her missing some events. I wasn't okay with her missing all of them. If you're going to be my BM, I need you to be my BM. I dont want someone there that doesn't want to be, that feels like I'm a burden. It is a time and money commitment, no wedding that I have ever been in asked nothing of me, so your all's bridesmaids are very fortunate.

For the 1,000th time, this is why I still haven't officially picked my bridesmaids

So I'm totally on your side.

I had a BM who agreed to be in my BP. SHe (being completely single) DEMANDED that she have a guest even when she heard that our venue was limited and we were keeping guests to those in serious relationships or married. So I politely asked who she was thinking of bringing. I thought maybe she was inviting a family member who I was close to - We've known each other since we were 12, after all. SHe said she wanted to bring her sister-in-law, whom I never met, because "she could use a vacation". I'm sorry, but my wedding and the money we are putting into it isn't a paid night out for your sister who could use a break.

I let that ride.

But then she freaked out when I asked her to write a short paragraph about herself for our wedding website. She didn't know what to write and questioned why I was even asking this of people. Why this isn't MY responsibility? I mean… IT'S A PARAGRAPH! 3-5 sentences.

She ended up dropping out of the wedding shortly after saying that the whole thing seemed extremely stressful and she didn't know if she could handle it. I was relived-- I get what you mean, you finally feel like you can enjoy your planning process and get excited.

And I agree, "If you're going to be my BM, I need you to be my BM. I dont want someone there that doesn't want to be, that feels like I'm a burden."

Wow! I'm sorry you had to go through that, but, you did the right thing. She should've talked to you if she had any problems going on and she didn't need to be rude about it. If I ever feel bad about anything going on with my friends, I don't approach them in a rude manner.

To avoid any other problems, have them sign and return this.

I'm so happy you are going to be a part of my special day! Below are just a few guidelines for the wedding that I’d like you to review, please initial by each point, sign at the end and send back to me. Just want to make sure they’re aren’t any surprises! The planning bride is a happy bride!

Thanks a bunch! Love ya!

-Liz

______ My hair will remain at the length it is now or longer.

______ I will not change my hair color without first consulting Liz and providing a sample photo or hair swatch for consideration.

______ I will use Sally Hansen’s “Maximum Growth-Daily Nail Growth program” every day for the 4 months before the wedding day.

______ I will not gain more than 4lbs from the weight I was when I was asked to be a bridesmaid.

______ I swear to attend all showers, (lingerie, bridal & bachelorette) to arrive in a timely manner and do everything in my power to support and “be there” for the bride.

______ I will purchase the David’s Bridal style # 81123 dress below in Latte/Champagne within 3 weeks of today.

______ I will NOT knowingly get pregnant without notifying Liz at least 4 months prior to the wedding so a suitable alternate can be found. I will also give my purchased bridesmaid dress to said alternate.

I do hereby swear that I will adhere to all of the above & other understood bridesmaid duties for the wedding on June 7, 2014

X_________________________

(sign, print and date)

This sucks. If it was just her unable to attend things, etc. because she was busy and/or was really broke, I'd think you were being too harsh, but the fact that she was so rude, called your showers BS and was really horrible overall is a total other ball game. Like I get not wanting to go to three showers or do crafting things, especially if you can't afford extra gifts or are terrible at crafts (like me!) but you could just say sorry... I'm not able to make it... have fun though! Or be honest and say that you'll come but won't be able to bring a gift or be that much help. Clearly she has major issues and didn't really want to be involved at all so I don't blame you for kicking her out.

Edit: @Bride (above), that was really snarky. She wasn't asking them to not gain weight or keep their hair the same, but asking for simple things like to not have her ring made fun of and to not have wedding stuff called BS, etc. All very reasonable things!

She is jealous, period.

I was once fired as a BM because I didn't get my measurements in time to her mom, who was making the dresses for the BMs. I was really hurt at first but then I realized, yeah, my bad. I was young and selfish and didn't follow the timelines.

This same girl who fired me as her BM is still my best friend and she is a BM in my wedding this May.

I hope it all works out for you the way you want it to.

Oh and also, I live in Nashville and those prices are ridic! You can find better/cheaper here for sure.

Wowsers. That bridesmaid is SO LUCKY she no longer has to deal with this wedding! Really, Liz...you're the one who is wrong here, not her. Did she handle things appropriately about Nashville? No. The rest of the stuff is on you though... You haven't been a good friend to her and that's clear to see based on your unnecessary dig about her weight in your post. And your idea of "fun get-togethers" don't sound like fun to me. I assembled my own invitations and programs because, as the bride, that was MY duty to do, not my wedding party's. My girls did their own hair and I didn't care what their nails looked like. I also didn't care that one bridesmaid wore silver shoes that probably would look lovely on a stripper pole. Why didn't I care? Because I was getting married and I had four great friends standing up with me on our special day. NOTHING could ruin things for me.

You're wrong here, Liz, not your former friend.

I read the whole thing and my jaw dropped and gasped at her comment about the bridal consultant! Holy Hell my temper would have fired her right then and there. Friends should never say anything like that. I'm so glad you fired her! There is enough stress with planning a wedding and your closest friends should not be part of that. They are supposed to be your rock and have fun with everything that is planned. If she didn't want to put on a damn smiling face then she shouldn't have agreed in the first place. Uggh!

You were wrong to ask her to pay for anything. If hair and makeup are required, you pay for it, whether you paid for her dresses or not. A bridesmaid shows up for the wedding day, in the dress, with a smile. Did she ever say she wouldn't do that?

I hope the one day your wedding is was worth losing your friend.

I agree with everything Megan g said. No one gives a crap about your day except you.

Enough with people saying you "fired" her! Did she apply for a job? Submit a resume? Complete an application? Get hired by you? NO! You asked someone to stand beside you on a very special day in your life. Unfortunately, the friendship has deteriorated over time for what sounds like a variety of reasons of which BOTH parties are guilty. Nobody got fired and being a bridesmaid certainly isn't a "job".

Oh, ugh. Thank God I was smart enough to go with NO wedding party.

Seriously, though? You sound like a match made in Heaven! As rude as it sounds, you BOTH sound equally at fault...almost like you were having a pissing contest back and forth. She pissed you off, you retaliated and so on.

It is certainly acceptable to want certain colors and likenesses for your wedding...especially if doling out a ridiculous amount for photographers, and wanting photos to be uniform. But IF I ever did have a WP...I would be the sort who was treating my girls to just about everything, simply for agreeing to be IN the wedding, and buying their dress, shoes, etc. Manis, Pedis, Hair, Make up....would be MY gift TO them. I would also INSIST on no wedding gifts from them...their participation would be gift enough!

As others said...it is not a JOB. It is a VOLUNTEER task that should feel like an honor, on all sides. You cannot FIRE them, any more than you can fault them for not fulfilling their "position" in the manner that YOU saw fit. And it must be awesome to be the 2nd choice BM! Wow...I was not in your first choice list, but I am o.k. as a back up...woot woot!

Wow! Good for you, now she can't ruin your day as well. I unaksed a bridesmaid, she was so luke warm when I asked her and said she'd think about it, I asked again a couple of weeks later and our conversation got interrupted but she didn't follow it up. So the third time I saw her I politely told her "not to worry about it" and that I'd rather have someone excited.

Wow you have been through some turmoil. It's time now to enjoy it all. You did the right thing.

Liz, I had to let a bridesmaid go too. Very similar: refused to show up for planned events, wouldn't return calls/texts/emails, refused to pay for things after I'd already run the amount by her and she'd OKed the cost etc.

Sometimes, the best thing we can do, not just as a bride, but as a person, is to realize these people aren't the ones who are really going to stick by us.

I read your story, and while every story has two sides, it sounds to me like your friend was obviously feeling some sort of way about her life/her weight gain/etc and as such just couldn't be happy for you. Maybe you could have been a better friend and maybe done more here to see things from her side, maybe you did all you could, but that's not the issue at hand here.

I am sorry, but you know what you are getting into from a financial aspect and from a time commitment aspect when you agree to be a bridesmaid. Yes, some brides expect more than others, but at bare minimum, you know you are committed to buying a dress, paying to get your hair done, and also committed to attending a couple of parties and committed to being there for your friend. This is universally known.

So I don't agree with people who say "you can't expect them to do xyz". If she had lost a job, or realized she couldn't handle it financially, she should have said something. If she knew from the beginning she couldn't afford it, she shouldn't have agreed. EVERYONE knows the bare minimum of what they are getting involved in when they agree to be in a bridal party.

Yes, no one cares about your wedding as much as you do. And when your friend gets married no one will care about hers as much as she does. But, when you agree to be a bridesmaid, you agree to suck it up and put on a smile, even when you could care less. It just is what it is.

EDITED TO ADD: I'm sorry that you came onto a forum and people are calling you rude, etc. With a post like this, everyone is bound to pick a side, and people are bound to give their honest opinion of the situation, even if it may be hurtful to you. But, that's to be expected from a web forum. I think you did the right thing for YOU, and it really sucks that a friendship had to be lost, but you sometimes have to do what you have to do for your own peace of mind.

It's lousy that you had this experience but just as an FYI--every wedding I've ever been in, the bride has paid for all of her bridesmaids to get their hair and makeup done. The only thing we were responsible for was buying our dress. One of my friends even bought our shoes for us. In my opinion, if the bride has a certain standard to which she is expecting her bridal party to uphold, she needs to be the one to pay for that, which may mean having to pay for manicures and pedicures, too (which my friend also did for us). Not all of my bride friends make a ton of money either, so you do what you can afford for your bridal party, and if that means you cannot pay for hair and makeup, then you don't expect your bridal party to pay for it just because it's a "part of your vision". If that's the case but you cannot afford to pay, then you have to change your vision. Yes it is expensive to be in a wedding, and having been a maid of honor twice and a bridesmaid, I know this is true. In defense of being the bride, the bridesmaid should not accept to be in a wedding if she/he know they cannot afford the financial aspect of it. In the defense of the bridesmaid, the bride should not be picking out these insanely expensive dresses for them to wear, should not be requiring them to pay for their hair and makeup, manicures and pedicures and expecting an over-the-top hen-do party and a lavish bridal shower (hopefully ONE shower is enough). That is not something that is required of being a bridesmaid. Your job is to buy your dress and show up at the wedding.

Now that I'm the bride, I will be paying for my bridesmaids to get their hair and makeup done the day of the wedding. All they are responsible for is buying their dress, and being there on the day of my wedding. Anything else I may ask of them is extra and certainly not required of them.

Hey, I understand that she might have had something else going on in her life, but that is just even more reason for you to be understanding and "let her go" so she can deal with her life and for her to understand why she needs to be "let go".

You don't want to be stressed on your day. And sorry, but on our wedding day it IS all about US (bride and groom).

But yeah thats why i kept my party small and used my close family members and sisters bc, I did NOT want that kind of drama. Only downfall for me, some of my members are out of town which makes it a little more difficult to get things planned where I'm at.