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Beginner April 2020

How to tell my parents i want to marry young?

Hailey, on September 18, 2018 at 4:15 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 1 47

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My boyfriend and I haven’t been dating for very long, but we have been discussing marriage and aren’t sure how to bring it up to my parents. Here’s a little background:

• We are both almost 22, but want to get married in 2020 when we would both be almost 24.

• My parents got married at 24 and say they wish they would’ve waited, so they think I should wait. My dad is very intense and my mom is extremely pessimistic and they both get angry very easily. It’s kind of a toxic household that I need to get out of but can’t afford to without my boyfriends help.

• My man is in the Navy, if we were to get married he could bring in a lot more money, I would get put on his GI bill, and would benefit from his health care, too

• I am trying to go back to school and can’t afford to pay for it on my own and my financial aid isn’t enough. His GI bill would help pay for my schooling so I can start my career

• My boyfriend refuses to propose without my fathers permission, but we need to get the idea into their head that we are talking about it so they’ll be okay with it when the time comes for him to ask for their blessing

• We want to get married in 2020 because he deploys later that year for a few months and if something happens he wants me to be put on his paperwork to receive insurance, etc.

• We are both very religious but my parents are not. My boyfriend and I have prayed about it consistently and are sure this is the correct move for us and the path God wants us on, but we know that won’t work when trying to talk to my parents about it.

• My cousin has been married twice and has 2 kids with 2 different men, and she is 25 so she isn’t the best example and my parents are convinced that if we were to get married now that I will end up just like her.

• We want to bring this up and get engaged soon because then we can move in together and have a long engagement to plan the wedding/save up for it.

Help!!
Please, I will take all the advice I can. You can throw “you’re too young” at me all day, but love knows no age. Tell me a better reason than “You won’t be able to travel” or “You have so much life left to live”. Yes, I will be able to travel. And you’re right, I do have so much life left to live. But I’ll get to do those things with my favorite person.

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47 Comments

Latest activity by NikkiMJ, on May 2, 2019 at 2:30 PM

VIP April 2018
JustKidding · on September 18, 2018 at 4:20 PM
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If you're old enough to make the choice to get married, you should be old enough to tell them how you feel.
My husband was in the service, he saw all but one couple break up during his years. Being at home waiting while they are away is a very hard life.
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Beginner April 2020
Hailey · on September 18, 2018 at 4:22 PM
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My parents are just very hard to please. They’re very judgemental people and I’m unsure of how to start the conversation while I’m still living under their roof without causing too much tension
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Devoted October 2018
Sarah · on September 18, 2018 at 4:27 PM
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Can't you wait another year or so, and have a shorter engagement? That might give you time to help them warm up to the idea. Not that there is anything wrong with long engagements, but I think in this case, you should wait a year, get engaged, then get married a year later. It's not like you can't save this year and weddings don't take 2 years to plan.
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VIP June 2019
Cheryl&rock · on September 18, 2018 at 4:31 PM
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You said you haven't been dating your boyfriend very long. How long is that?

I'm ex-military. Yes he would make more money being married. But does he live on base now in a barracks or does he live off base. On base in a barracks is free housing. Off base costs money. He would get an increase based on a dependant, separate rations, and off base housing allowance all of which are in reality not a lot more money! Most younger and at times older military personnel have civilian jobs as well to make ends meet.

As for the GI Bill I'm not 100% sure what stipulations there are ex. how long married before utilization by a spouse.
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Beginner April 2020
Hailey · on September 18, 2018 at 4:31 PM
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It would only be about a year to plan by the time he actually proposes, he wants to talk to my dad around December and then told me the only thing I get to know is “It’ll he sometime between then and April” since we want to get married April of 2020.
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Super March 2020
kymarmck · on September 18, 2018 at 4:31 PM
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Hello! I'd first like to start off by saying that I am so sorry that your family is not very supportive of marrying on the younger side! I definitely am blessed that both sets of my parents are fully supportive of me getting married at 22 (We'll both be 22 when we get married in March of 2020)!
That being said, I know for a lot of parents it can be hard to watch your children grow up! I know my dad struggled with that in the beginning since I'm his oldest and the first to "leave the nest" so to speak!
I would just sit down with your parents and explain the reasons for you wanting to get married. Show that you have a plan and that you both truly are in love and want to get married. You could even talk about the benefits of getting married. I would also express that you're not getting married on a whim. You have a plan for 1.5 year engagement so that you can save up money, not only for the wedding but for your future as well!
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this! It's the worst feeling in the world to have unsupportive parents but at the end of the day you know your relationship best and are able to make those big life decisions! Good luck!
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Beginner April 2020
Hailey · on September 18, 2018 at 4:33 PM
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Thank you! Less than a year. He lives in the barracks now but he just got promoted and gets his BAH within the next few months. We both did the math and he will go from making about $1000 a month to making more than $4000 a month once we were to get married and our annual income would be about as much as my parents have right now.

Ans be know the stipulations as well, which is why we want to get married sooner rather than later.
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Master July 2018
Mcskipper · on September 18, 2018 at 4:34 PM
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Yeah, this is a really good point actually. If you don’t want to wed until 2020, and you haven’t been dating that long anyway, give it some time. Get your family used to him and comfortable with him. Give THEIR relationship time to grow. That will make them more receptive to the idea eventually, if he’s been around and they get to know him and eventually feel he’s part of the family.

If they are as you say, there’s very little chance they’ll be immediately on board with you talking about marriage with someone you haven’t been with very long. Take your time to give them time.
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Expert October 2018
ArwenToHisAragorn · on September 18, 2018 at 4:35 PM
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FH and I got engaged when I was 22 and he was 25, we started dating when I was 19 and I knew that day that I was going to marry him. Honestly, you're old enough to make your own decision, and you'd be getting married at the same age I'm getting married this year, so I'm a little biased in saying I think you're a fine age to get married. How long have you two been together?
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Master June 2016
Sarah · on September 18, 2018 at 4:43 PM
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I don’t think your math is correct. My exH is army and has a lot of friends in all branches of the service and no ones BAH jumped by thousands just because they got married. Keep in mind his insurance costs will be more because he’ll be adding you and he will no longer be able to live in barracks. Also keep in mind that deployment dates change regularly so even though he’s currently set to deploy in 2020 it could be a lot sooner than that or it could be later.
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Beginner April 2020
Hailey · on September 18, 2018 at 4:43 PM
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Thank you so much for this! It actually made me tear up a bit. I’m the oldest, too, and my younger brother has autism so it’s hard because we’re unsure if he will ever “leave the nest”. My parents like to still view me as a child because he acts so much younger than he is, so I think it’ll be really hard for them to start to see me as an adult who can make it on her own.
This is the best thing I’ve heard all day. I said that to my man last night that we need to make a list of positives and reasons and tell them about it. He wasn’t so sure. Thank you so much!! Your wedding date is just a month before ours😉
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Super September 2019
Courtney · on September 18, 2018 at 4:43 PM
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I think the PP about a short engagement and dating for a while is good advice. Emphasize how much you both care for each other throughout dating and then start dropping hints about marriage when you guys are a few months from getting engaged. This might spark marriage talks closer to the actual engagement. I guess I wouldn’t rush straight into talking marriage right now if you think this would cause tension, but you can be open about how happy you are in your relationship and how supportive your partner is.
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Devoted October 2018
Sarah · on September 18, 2018 at 4:43 PM
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I don't think that you are not at a fine age to get married, but you do have plenty of time and I can see why your parents may hesitate to be supportive. I just think if you truly want to get their blessing, you may have no choice but to wait. I hope it works out for you
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Beginner April 2020
Hailey · on September 18, 2018 at 4:46 PM
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It’s not just his BAH that would jump the thousands of dollars. There are other things that go into it, too. We have discussed it with Navy Federal and he has also talked to his superiors. We have done our research.
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Beginner April 2020
Hailey · on September 18, 2018 at 4:47 PM
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Less than a year!
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VIP June 2019
Cheryl&rock · on September 18, 2018 at 4:49 PM
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Hit reply in error. As for insurance that is as soon as your married for health insurance.

Life insurance would be yours if anything happened to him whether you're married or not as long as you are named the beneficiary.

It sounds like you live with your parents. Moving in with your boyfriend doesn't seem to be a way to save money. There is rent, utilities, additional groceries etc. And if he is living on base he is not having to pay rent. You move in together he does.

As far as travel, there are times the spouse can not go where the spouse is deployed. If your boyfriend is stationed aboard a military vessel he has to check to see if he can even live off base. He would be if married and he's state side. But single, I'm not sure.

There is a lot to consider when marrying a military man. Many times they are deployed for long times. Young marriages need closeness and time to grow the emotional strength that comes with time.

I know it's difficult to take parents advice at times, but we have seen more of the world and experienced more as well.

If you're going to approach your parents with your wish to get married I as a parent of the grown, married children, would want better reasoning than you have addressed here.

I think your reasoning for marriage, please don't be offended, sounds immature.
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VIP December 2018
Ashley · on September 18, 2018 at 4:52 PM
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I hear you on the backlash- we started dating at 16/17 and got engaged at 22/21 and we're getting married at 24/23. His family was totally fine, but from my family I got a couple "why?"s and "is it really that serious?" even after 4 years, to which I responded with a condescending laugh- because I'm petty. However, FH didn't ask my father, and I would have been offended if he had- my father has no voice in a matter like this. Is there a way to talk your boyfriend out of needing your father's approval?
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VIP June 2019
Cheryl&rock · on September 18, 2018 at 4:55 PM
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I agree with you! My promotions never did a $3000. jump in one promotion!
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Devoted January 2019
WeddingCruiser2019 · on September 18, 2018 at 4:56 PM
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My Fiancé is prior military and one of his sayings is that "it is standard issued to get a wife and a gun" when you join. Meaning that almost everyone gets married because the military makes life way easier when you are married so instead of making the decision to marry because you are 110% sure people get married because the military gives more money to married couples, they provide housing, they provide insurance and the list goes on. His best friend from the military is only 25 and has been divorced for a few years now. My old roomate's new husband is 27 and on his second marriage (to her) because he was married young and divorced in the military. His roommate is engaged to be married for the 3rd time (also in the military and was also younger then 30). Luckily!! FH didn't get married (he was engaged while he was in though). I would highly caution you on making this decision especially since you say you have not been dating long, to me that is a red flag. Yes, it will make life "easier" right now but marriage is a serious commitment that shouldn't be taken lightly and if he is really the one for you, waiting will only make your relationship stronger.
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Champion June 2019
Gen · on September 18, 2018 at 4:56 PM
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How long have you been together?
I don't think you are too young, as my FH and I got engaged at 23/21 and will be married at 24/22. Age IS just a number, but the amount of time you have been together is definitely significant here.
Also I have to agree with Cheryl that your reasoning is probably not going to sound very convincing to your parents. Maybe you have more compelling reasons than you stated here, but from what you said in your original post, it seems like you are just deciding to get married for the financial perks
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