Help Me Understand Where this Idea of no Bridesmaids' Role is Coming From?

I agree with you ! I cringe every time some comments "What roles?! They only have to buy a dress and stand next to you".

Yes, they buy a dress and stand next to you, but they also should be supportive and helpful throughout the entire process.

that's my personal opinion though

I appreciate this post more than your know. While bridesmaids are not your employees, I too believe that they have roles. That as your friends they should not only be willing to do what you ask, but be happy to do it all and support and help you! If a bridesmaid isn't helping, isn't listening, or isn't being supportive, then DITCH THEM! They are not obligated as a bridesmaid, but as a FRIENDDD to do these things. I wish people would understand that they aren't props and they don't just dress up, show up, and stand up.

I feel the same. Obviously I don't want them bending over backwards for me, but emotional support when I'm feeling like a mad woman, or asking their opinion shouldn't be a "omg dont do that. No one's as excited for your wedding as you are".. They're my friends. Friends should be able to talk to eachother.

I'd like to agree! I think it's the swing of the pendulum. 10 and 15 years ago it felt like a laundry list of things that were obligatory and when you turned on television there was a horrible young woman making unreasonable demands.
I do kind of wish I had nearby friends that I could *invite* to one of those bridal bootcamp workouts our do group lunches to talk about planning and such.

I don’t think offering support and being a good listener is a role, I think that’s called being a good friend and it’s a given. I think the issue most people have with roles is the brides who demand extravagant showers be thrown for them, week long bachelorette parties be thrown for them, and for the bridal party to plan their entire wedding for them. There have been brides on here who get upset that they gave their maid of honor the duty of booking their photographer and the maid of honor didn’t do it. Or brides who decide to do intricate DIYs and get mad because their bridal party can’t help them. Or brides who say their friends aren’t interested in their wedding planning but really her friends have two kids, a part time job, and school and the bride isn’t actually interested in that. I believe the general consensus on wedding wire is that if your friends want to offer their advice, get creative with you, and help you with whatever, it should be graciously appreciated but not demanded. I think when most of the community says, “they only need to buy a dress and stand up with you” is mostly in regards to the brides who demand too much of their wedding.

I agree with your thinking around having them assist. I mean, the term is bridesMAID so it seems likely that their role, at one point at least, was to serve the bride on her wedding day. However, the people that say their role is to “put on a dress and stand up” may believe that their bridesmaids are there to stand with them at the alter in support of the union and witness the exchange of vows. Not necessarily “look pretty”. Just a thought.

To me, it simply means that your friends are welcome but not obligated to do any of those things. If they want to help plan, attend fittings or tastings, package favors etc. then that's fine! The problem is when a bride/groom expects and demands those things of their wedding party, who may not want to be so actively involved in the actual planning of the wedding.

I believe this to come about when some brides/grooms start to demand things from their friend such as parties, gifts, and other privileges. When they started to complain that they weren't being good bridesmaid or treating them like employees. I've seen and heard that happen. I never expected anything from my ladies but did not mind asking them for support. I just made sure I didn't demand things from them. They threw me a shower last weekend and it was their choice, not me demanding a party. My bachelorette is next month, which they knew was not a mandatory thing for me. They offered to help me stuff envelopes, help pick certain things, gave advice, etc. When people start acting entitled and treating their friends less than friendly, that's where I mention to brides/grooms that a bridal party's "duties" are not mandatory duties. If they so choose, they can just show up on the day and stand by you. That's what I got from the saying at least....might be wrong.

I think it's put bluntly like this because the only "responsibility" they really have as a BM is to be there on your wedding day, and anything else is very sweet and thoughtful of them, including showers, bach parties, and any DIY work they help you with. So many bridal websites and articles and Pinterest boards make these crazy demands of planning week-long parties and meetings and crazy expensive showers and booking vendors(???) that they really can't afford or don't have the time to host because they have their own lives going on. It's the two extremes of the pendulum.

I say this as a BM that has been to multiple destination Bach parties, planned showers, stuffed invitations, made centerpieces, wrapped favors because I wanted to do that for my friends, not because I was required to.

That isn't what most of us mean when we talk about their not being roles for bridesmaids.

What is meant is that - Being a bridesmaid is not a JOB. Nothing is REQUIRED of them - aside from purchasing a dress and being there to stand beside you during the ceremony. Your Bridesmaids are your nearest and dearest presumably. I would hope the people I asked to stand beside me on my wedding day would be there to support me emotionally or help me out with an issue no matter what. That's called being a good friend - NOT a good bridesmaid.

Too many young brides get the idea in their head they need to assign "roles" or "duties" to their BMs - such as MOH throws the shower or BMs must drop everything to help create centerpieces and its simply not the case. The Bride and Groom are throwing the party - they are responsible to pay for or create any DIYs. No one should be told they HAVE to throw an optional pre-wedding party because the bride assigned them that duty. It's not how that works.

This is only said because we realize that BMs and Gyms have lives outside of the couple's wedding planning. Should they be supportive? Yes, absolutely. Should they help the couple stuff 250 boxes full of m&ms for 3 hours? Only if they want to, have the time, and volunteer.

Demanding parties, DIY sessions, and multiple dress up sessions at boutiques is unnecessary. People are busy. Bridal parties often include parents. A decent chunk of people are employed and may work long shifts.

The absolute minimum that should be required of a person in the bridal party is to wear what has been agreed upon and show up sober to support the couple on the big day. Now if they want to throw parties and help with DIY projects, that's fine. They can volunteer any free time and free money that they have towards the wedding but it is rude to demand that from them.

Doing so often ruins friendships.

I think the discrepancy is between what some people are used to and expect, versus what they actually "have" to do. Yes, many people are blessed to have friends and family that care about how a couple's wedding planning is going, they have an interest in what plans are, the bride and bridesmaid(s) are close friends/family and have similar tastes and enjoy talking about wedding plans and trading advice. People become used to that... And then movies and tv shows emphasize that along with exaggerating some things.

However, not all people are like that and it's a fine line between friendly chit chat about wedding plans, and expectations a bride may have for bridesmaids to wholeheartedly jump into wedding planning with her and to want to go dress shopping as a group and to want to do "pre-wedding" activities. Many people don't like being in weddings (I don't), so it's unfair to have the same expectations of a "role" for every single bridesmaid. Having a lot of expectations for "roles" also often leads to hefty expenses for being in a wedding party (bridal shower, bachelorette party, buying a dress, sometimes buying shoes and doing hair and make up, etc.).

I think the phrase is open to interpretation. Yes, the bridesmaids should be supportive. But, what does supportive mean? We already have one response where someone said " If a bridesmaid isn't helping, isn't listening, or isn't being supportive, then DITCH THEM!"

Seriously? That is a pretty all encompassing statement. If a bridesmaid can't help do crafts because she hasn't the skills, the time, the availability DITCH HER. That's how friends treat friends. I already know the comeback is going to be "I didn't mean it like that", but that's where interpretation comes in.

I think the "get the dress and show up movement" was a response to OOT brides who got carried away in the early days of the Pinterest Era and expected too much from their BM's. It's a natural consequence to anything too far to the left or right, that the world tries to balance itself out. The pendulum always swings in the other direction.

The way I see it is that I chose the people I did because I want to honor their role in my life, and honoring that role on my wedding day means them getting a dress and being by my side while I get married. They were chosen because they mean the world to me, and having them stand next to me while I say my vows feels like the beginning of them standing by me during my marriage and the rest of my life.

I think the 'only dress and stand up' language comes out when people act more like they've hired employees than honored their nearest and dearest.

I 100% agree with Munchkin. Lots of the stuff you are saying are things a normal friend would do. So in the situation of a wedding, itd be the same. Its the extravagant parties, forcing DIY, etc that is not a role of a BM, being a good friend is why you chose those closest to you.

Some people even go so far as to write out their demands on cards and distribute to the WP.

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Ah yes - ditching your friends because they aren't behaving exactly as you want them to. That's really being a good friend right there.

Of course you want friends that love and support you. That does NOT require them to care that much about your wedding. And if you are willing to ditch friends because they aren't interested or don't care that much then that's on you. Being a good friend means listening - to both verbal and non verbal cues. If a friend seems put off by too much wedding talk - maybe you should try asking about what is new in their life so you don't end up losing friends by the time you are married.

No being a good friend doesnt include planning your parties. If you need help, go to your husband.

Yeah, I'm not sure about this either. The point of asking people to be a part of your wedding party (I thought) was to honor their roles in your life, and for them to support you throughout the planning process and the biggest day of your life. I never felt like an employee being a part of any wedding I was in. I helped with favors, planned a shower (I always thought that was a must) and bachelorette party, went to the rehearsal and dinner, showed up on time the day of and got ready and helped with anything I could. I was there for them to vent to and aside from a few minor bridezilla moments (we all have them) no one ever treated me like crap. This new attitude of don't ask them to do anything but show up sober or don't put them out in any kind of way is a bit much to me. I would never treat my girls like slaves or make demands of them, but I will ask for help from time to time. If someone asked me to be their BM today, I would expect to spend money on the pre wedding events, my attire, and even my hair and makeup. I am paying for my girls to have their hair and makeup done, but not once has anyone paid for mine, and they all required it be done.

I think what it comes down to is the difference between being obligated to do it (as part of the role) versus the person offering to do it on their own accord.

Personally, I don't think their should be roles (obligations) for your wedding party. If the person offers to help with a task, run an errand, etc as a friend that is a lovely gesture on their part but, no one should be forced to do something. It should be up to each member of the wedding party to be as involved (or not involved) as they choose. The only "role" a member of the WP should have is to support the marriage.

I firmly believe that a wedding is a privilege, not a right. No one is entitled to a party, you can get married without having a wedding. If two people choose to have a wedding than I feel it is their sole responsibility to plan it, pay for it and arrange all of the details. If other people (including their WP) offer to help that is wonderful but, it should never be expected. FH and I are adamant that no one involved in our wedding has any costs or tasks associated with it. If it was not for us choosing to have a wedding these people (who are our nearest and dearest) would not be burdened by these chores or expenses so we are 100% taking care of everything ourselves.

Then again, maybe I'm the weird one because I've never understood why it is okay to ask your WP to pay for their own attire. We are always telling people that if you require X you pay for it (whether that is hair, jewelry, shoes, etc.) but, somehow that is different when it comes to clothing? I've never understood why.

The tension comes from the expectations that too many brides have. They expect that their bridesmaids will spend x amount of time doing crafts or going to see vendors or planning really expensive parties. Then when their bridesmaids don't live up to some expectation then are seen as bad performers.

Wedding party members ought to he your nearest and dearest, those people who you would call in the middle of the night to help you. Those people you you can't wait to let know your good news. The people you just can't imagine not being there when you get married.

Now normally these people will want to help you out because of the on going relationships you have with them. But by the same token, brides would understand things like not having the time or money to do lots of wedding planning/events/gifts because life is happening to them too. Brides would also understand someone not being interested in power crafting for the wedding because well crafts arent someone's thing. The relationships go both ways. Saying the only responsibilities are to get the appropriate outfit and stand at the alter is about managing expectations and remembering why these people are important to you.