Help Me Understand Where this Idea of no Bridesmaids' Role is Coming From?

While I think that there is a little more involved than just buying a dress and showing up relatively sober if that's all I get because my bridesmaids have lives of their own and are busy then that's ok. (for example, my MOH lives in a different country and one of my BM is planning her own wedding) I picked them because they are the people I want there with me when I say I do to my FH, not because I expect them to help me do things for my wedding or plan parties for me.

I was a bridesmaid last year and offered assistance to the bride with her DIY centerpieces. It wasn't mandatory for anyone (and not everyone came, no big deal). We had pizza and wine while we put together the centerpieces. We had a good time hanging out doing the project and not all talk was wedding related. And the best part? The bride was so grateful for the help. She wasn't expecting us to offer help, but when we did she was thankful.

The girls I am asking to be my bridesmaids are my closest friends. These girls are excited for me, supportive, and ask frequently to come along to things or help me with things. When I was a bridesmaid, I acted the same way. Mainly because these are my best friends and this is how we would be for anything, especially such a big day as your wedding! I do however think it becomes a problem when you expect CERTAIN things of your bridal party that are unreasonable (aka that they will plan a bachelorette and bridal shower for you).

View Quoted Comment

Well OG GRETCHEN clearly I’m not talking to the ones that doesn’t want people to spend thousands of dollars. I said SUPPORT, maybe I should have spelled it out what support means to me. Emotional support, advice, be there when you can. Because I CLEARLY said a bride should not expect you to plan their wedding (I.e crafts, EXTRAVAGANT EVENTS) Where was this energy when people were saying it’s low class or half a** not to have an open bar. When I said I couldn’t believe people are this foolish When I’m reading these forums is we are here for advice and support, you know like I just mentioned we look for in our BP, and some think they know all the “rules” to wedding planning and try to tear other people down. THAT IS WHAT I MEANT

I agree that friends support one another and offer assistance. I'm lucky enough to have several friends not in the WP to offer repeatedly to do things to help me. Hell, they are even willing to help me remodel a little bit so my house can be rented out when I move. I guess I cringe a bit when brides want to fire members of their wedding party when they aren't "pulling their weight" like they are employees.

I can see both sides of this and like I say with other "unpopular opinions," i think it depends on your people! Of course, there's always a line. My BMs have been great and have helped me through DIY projects, offered ideas, a GM is putting together a music list for us and offered to turn ceremony music on and off, and so on.

I personally think it depends. If your girls WANT to do roles, then have at it! If not, then don't push it. That simple. I don't feel that there should be a "rule" about it.

My entire life I've always felt that being a bridesmaid was like being VIP. You get to go to/plan the pre-wedding activities that not everyone is invited too, and you get to be close with the bride the night before and the day of to keep her calm and get ready together. To me, those things are special. It wouldn't be much fun or that honorable if you ONLY stood in a certain dress for the ceremony. I feel that the bride should be making this a fun experience for the bridesmaids though. For example, when we went shopping for the bridesmaid dresses, we drank champagne and chilled on my couch and talked before the appointment. I allowed them to pick which ever dress they wanted as long as it was long and not tight/overly sexy, and I chose the color. Then afterwards we got dinner and drinks. We all had a great time. I don't agree with making them do the boring stuff like addressing invites, and making floral arrangements. Also, I don't agree with forcing them to wear a dress they aren't comfortable in or making them dye or do their hair a specific way that they aren't comfortable with. I think some brides think of their bridesmaids too much like photo props and slaves than friends and I think that's when people make the "all they have to do is show up" comment... like they want to knock brides with crazy expectations off their high horse.

I think it partially comes from a lot of us watching too many episodes of Bridezillas back in the early 2000s (at least I know I did). I remember being mortified by the girls who demanded that their whole bridal party come over to assemble DIY projects or learn entire choreographed dance routines, and then the bride would throw a huge tantrum if one of them was late or a no-show or (heaven forbid) not enthusiastic enough for the bride's liking. It ruined relationships with their friends/relatives. And while a lot of that was scripted, there were girls who thought it was ok to act like that in real life. And even though I think the pendulum is swinging back in the right direction, a lot of girls still get so caught up in their wedding planning that they forget that there is life outside of their engagement...especially for their bridal party members.

I'm very excited for my friend who is getting married in March, and we waited 8 years for her FH to finally propose. I helped host her shower and am going to the bachelorette this weekend, because I personally think committing to the role of bridesmaid also means committing to those events. But I have enough going on in my own life to care too much about her actual wedding planning process. We talk on the phone and swap stories about where we are in the planning process sometimes, or text each other pics of whatever project we're working on. And we both know the other would be happy to help if something was ever needed, like how my FH will probably help her brother set up the wedding arch the morning of the wedding. But outside of that she hasn't asked for much other than to wear a pair of gold heels and not have black nail polish haha.

I'm not having a bridal party because I want my friends to just be able to show up and enjoy themselves without having to commit to shelling out a large amount of cash. I know that I could call any of them if I need something and they'd be happy to help (and several have volunteered their DIY services if I would like to use them). But I try to make a point that whenever I see them not to talk about the wedding unless they specifically ask about it.

Supportive yes. Obligated to help plan, do all your DIY projects, go to/organize showers, Bach party, pay money for their mandatory shoes, hair, nails, No.

I'm going to weigh on this. I have been a bridesmaid a total of 3 times now. The first I was a "junior" bridesmaid for my cousin when I was about 11-12. Since I was young, nothing was really expected from me on that one. When I was 18-19 my brother got engaged and his wife(fiancee at the time) asked me to be her MOH. I was ecstatic because it meant a lot to me. Had I known then what I know now I would have declined. It was a mess. They had a DIY wedding where a cousin of ours made the food, there was no seating chart taken care of, they put disposable cameras on the tables for guests to take pictures of the wedding(but none really did), so on an so forth. She expected me to throw her bridal shower as well as purchase an expensive dress. I was a college student at the time working a part time job, living with her parents. Because of my small frame at the time, my dress had be heavily altered which cost me and my mother over $300. All of us girls made favors for her bridal shower that nobody took. They are still sitting in my mom's basement to this day 10 years later. It was a mess.

The last one I was in was the best wedding I have ever been a part of. It was for my BFF who lives in SD(I live in NH). She quite literally said to me, just pick a blue dress that is at least knee length for my wedding. You know how much that dress cost me? $3... and it's in my closet waiting to be reworn because I can use it again. When we got into town the Thursday before her wedding, she and her FI treated us well. They knew how much the travel was. It was the best experience I have had to date as part of a bridal party.

I plan to follow her lead come my wedding next year. While it is nice when people offer to help, much like my own MOH, it should not be expected.

I think the notion of the only role of bridesmaids is to put on a dress and stand up during the ceremony come from when brides were bridezillas and expecting too much. I have 8 bridesmaids and 4 of them live in a different state. I understand it is hard for them to travel and really contribute to the wedding so I told them the most important thing is that they are with me on my wedding day. To not worry about any other pre-wedding activities. Of course I still go to all of them for decoration advice and opinions on things, but I wouldn't expect any of them to do anything more. (They still feel bad that they can't contribute more.) I really only count on my MOH to help with the majority of wedding because she loves to do those types of things and she is really good at it. I guess I want my very best friends standing beside me at my wedding without having the burden of having the bridesmaids "role".

View Quoted Comment

Could not agree more!!

I think a lot of the issues would stop if people were able to properly reflect on their relationship with a person. People's relationships don't magically change when they become a bridesmaid. When people complain that their BM is never free to do wedding stuff, well how often did you get together before? The same goes for really opinionated BMs. If your friend is always really outspoken and demanding, that's not going to change. It's who they are and you go into this knowing what your friends are like.

My MOH is terrible at replying to my messages and our schedules regularly clash so we often go 6 months without seeing each other. I don't expect her to magically become fantastic at communicating just because she's a BM and I know that she's going to be too busy to help out with a lot of stuff. That's just her and I chose her knowing this.

A BM has to get a dress and show up. Anything else they do is just a reflection of who they are and your relationship with them

I was a bridesmaid in both of my brothers weddings and was happy to be able to help them in any way possible. Even if it was just with the bridal showers or even to help pick their gowns.

View Quoted Comment

I'm not sure if you know, but all caps here is interpreted as yelling. You're yelling.

The wedding party is a chance for the wedding couple to honour their nearest and dearest. It's an honour for them, not you. It's definitely not a job.

View Quoted Comment

You worded this so perfectly!

View Quoted Comment

No, I was not aware. However, I was not yelling. I just made it clear what I meant, sometimes things can be misconstrued. But thanks Jacks, thanks.

View Quoted Comment

Wow, didn’t know things can be taken soooooo to heart when I’ve seen wayyyyy worse things on here.. I apologize to anyone who has been affected by the word “foolish” that’s an everyday word. However I was not yelling, whether caps or not. I’m one of the most respectful people there is, raised that way, so I don’t need GL on how to be. Thanks. Have a great evening.

Why yes, I know that

I totally agree that they have roles. My bridesmaids feel the same way, and we have fun with it! Like you said, these roles are "within reason" and I don't pressure them. I try to make sure I'm not being too obsessive/making every hang-out and chat we have about the wedding.

My fiance and I plan to spend a great deal of effort and money treating the wedding party like VIPs during our wedding weekend, so I don't feel bad asking for their attention now. I also let them choose their own dresses and offered to help them financially, but they graciously declined. Each of them are helping me in their own way; my MoH is a naturally a project manager type and actually enjoys helping me plan (I always buy her brunch when we do this). Another one is an artist and is helping me craft things. Another girl who is already married is sensitive and wise and has counseled my fiance and I through arguments (her husband is a groomsman). My fourth is a dear friend who has to get her dress solo and travel cross country to be with me, and that's quite enough in my opinion!

None of this feels like too much, because I chose friends that are naturally nurturing and loving. So it's not like I'm forcing blood from a stone and thus creating resentment on both sides. I can't wait to reciprocate for them!

Maybe this very real trend you are picking up on has to do with the major cultural shift we are experiencing overall. Social media breeds self-obsession and transience, and changes relationships. People are less willing to commit to anything, especially if it doesn't directly serve the self. On the flip side, texting and emailing and cell phones make it much easier for a bride to relentlessly harass her bridesmaids, lol. It kind of makes sense when I think of it that way...

View Quoted Comment

Agreed! nice.