Help Me Understand Where this Idea of no Bridesmaids' Role is Coming From?

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This, all of this... nothing but buying the dress is required. Being a friend to the Bride/Groom by supporting them is a given.

I didn't read the comments.

But any good friend/relative, etc will already be your go to person to chat, bounce ideas off of, support you before you were even engaged. Just because now you're a bride and they're part of the party, doesn't mean you need to treat them any differently. Disappointment and arguments occur when expectations aren't met. Would you expect your friends to treat you like a goddess or boss just because now he/she put a ring on it? No.

This is definitely a reaction against the other end of the spectrum - people who feel that their wedding party members should also be full-time personal wedding planners!

Personally as a bridesmaid I always feel that it is my job to continue being a good friend, buy the dress on time, attend contribute and help plan the bridal shower and bachelorette party, arrive early for the rehearsal, and be as supportive as I possibly can be throughout the wedding weekend!

Times definitely do change and I absolutely think everything you listed is that of a friend & someone I would want as a bridesmaid. Unfortunately you see some people that demand insane bachelorette parties. Flying to Nashville or New Orleans seems to be a go-to trend. I mean no offense if anyone has done this but this is extravagant to me and I would never expect or require attendance as the cost of this is beyond normal. I do think a night out locally is not an unreasonable expectation and would hope that every bride/groom has friends that would want to do this for her/him. Or helping with a shower if it’s planned by someone. I know as being a bridemaid, I always was looking for something to help the bride with and wanted to help. Now being on the bride side- I never demand but if someone offers help with tasks, it’s graciously accepted.

View Quoted Comment 100% this! I don’t love my friends less because I can’t DIY with them since I have two kids to care for. I don’t support their relationship less because I can’t afford to pay for a huge bachelorette party because we’re a one income household. When people start to believe their BMs are employees that should fall in line because “that’s what friends should do”, issues arise and automatically it’s the BMs who are at fault. That is the problem with assigning roles to the wedding party.

OK, I'm starting to see where this is coming from. I guess I wasn't part of the "5 Day Cancun Bachelorette" scenario, ha, ha! Goodness.

I do know someone who, as a low-income bridesmaid, was kind of demanded by a MIL to fork over $250 toward an extravagant bridal shower, so I do see the problem with that.

And as far as purchasing the bridesmaid dress: This is the way in the US, but my dd was in a wedding where the bride did purchase dresses for them (lovely gesture as all were young and poor). And it seems in the UK, the brides do purchase the dresses. Maybe in the US, we should adopt this custom.

Good food for thought.

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So much this. As a bridesmaid (not currently one, hypothetical), I don't mind helping out or offering my friend an ear or even a shoulder to cry on. I'd love to go look at wedding dresses or bridesmaid dresses. However, my friend also has to realize that my life doesn't revolve around her wedding! I have an extremely busy job at times and I often don't even have the emotional energy left over to do these "duties". It doesn't mean I don't want to be there for her, but I would definitely harbor some resentment at her lack of understanding if I was asked to put together DIY's for three hours after working a grueling day.

I've only been a bridesmaid twice. Once to a wedding that was very much DIY- we literally spent the entire day before the wedding (up until midnight) putting together centerpieces. This was a not a job I knew about or would have volunteered for because I'm not crafty. However, I did it to help out. What I did resent there was the bridesmaids were roped into service and the groomsmen literally hung out and went to go get fro yo.

The other wedding, my friend would discuss her wedding only occasionally and we would talk about bridesmaid dresses, other small wedding issues etc. However, I really had mostly just showed up to her wedding in the dress she wanted and we had a great time. I think it's fine if your friends offer to help to take them up on that offer. However, as a bride you always have to be mindful of your bridal party having lives and jobs and responsibilities. If I decided to take on a major DIY project, the only people RESPONSIBLE for completing it would be FH and I.

"To support the bride/groom with whatever they need, within reason. This could mean emotional support, like listening and problem-solving; physical support, like running back to get a forgotten item; and whatever support is needed to make the wedding happen. (Not major things like anything involving a lot of money or major amounts of time, but within reason.)"

I completely agree with this, and this is how it is in my circle of friends. Did I send my girls on wedding errands and make them come to vendor meetings with me? No, definitely not. Did I try to arrange contrived wedding party hangouts and group shopping trips? Nope. But I did lean on them for support and advice, as 4 of the 5 were already married, and bounce various ideas I had off of them. I made an effort to not have every conversation I had with them in the 9 months I was engaged be about the wedding, but they were honestly excited to talk about it and hear the latest updates when we got together. One of my BMs helped me stuff and stamp my STDs, because we had already had plans in place for the day the STDs happened to be delivered, and she wanted to help. But that was pretty much the extent of it, in terms of "tasks".

Honestly I feel like if your girls aren't willing to at least be your sounding board, then they probably shouldn't be a bridesmaid, because, IMO, a true friend will want to talk to you about your wedding, or be involved, even if in a very small way.

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Maid comes from the word maiden. Not like a servant.

Actually historically Bridesmaids showed up dressed like the bride to fool anyone who may want to steal the bride away or for any former lovers who may want to inerrupt the wedding. It's the same superstitions and fears that inspired the use of the veil, the groom standing on the specific side (to be better able to wield a sword on anyone trying to interrupt their ceremony among other things"

The only actual duty that a BM ever had was that the brides sister or MOH would help sew her Trousseau - her clothes and all her items to take into her new married life - so unless you and your MOH are going to be hand crafting you a new wardrobe I don't think they have any responsibilities

If people would pick their bridal party based on the relationship not on what they can do no one would have this issue. I picked my nearest and dearest, my ride or dies, and I expect nothing from them except to hand me a Kleenex when I cry and fluff my dress. Guess what because we love and care about each other they ask me how planning is going, they want to help make my day awesome. And I can let them without taking advantage of their kindness cause guess what, I love and care about them way too much to expect them to be at my beck and call

I agree with you I always thought bridesmaid were suppose to help out in a reasonable matter. I didn't know anything about that they only have to buy and dress and show up until wedding wire. I have tried to follow the WW rule of just that and now my BM feel like there is no point for them because I don't need them to do anything. My sister actually cried to me because she was so excited when I asked her to BM and now only she has to do is buy a dress.

I agree with you, but I think brides are also trying to be careful not to seem demanding or obnoxious. I have 4 bridesmaids, and they all approach the role differently. My MOH is heavily involved in planning, creating/crafting, emotional support, dress shopping, hosting the shower and bach party, etc. She does most of this on her own. I'll likely rely on her for those little things like an emergency kit, helping me pee, etc. on the day of too.

One bridesmaid loved bridesmaid dress shopping, is very helpful with planning, especially because she just got married, has been willing to clear her calendar for anything wedding-related, helps with anything when asked.

Another is a bit busier right now with her new job, so didn't come dress shopping, and won't necessarily make every wedding-related event. And she doesn't have any "wedding knowledge" to share like the previous bridesmaid mentioned, or my MOH who's done so much research. But she was the most excited to be in the wedding, happily goes with the flow in regards to the dress or hair plans, and is probably the one I'm most looking forward to getting dressed up with and goofing around with photos.

The third is my teenaged cousin who doesn't drive and lives an hour away, so by default she isn't as involved. She will likely just show up that day.

I appreciate them all, and see how different personalities can interpret the role differently.

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My MOH has been feeling like this lately too! She keeps looking for projects!

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I think many PPs hit the nail on the head but really appreciate this point by @Mim. Life does not stop because it is your wedding day. Bridesmaids should continue to be a good friend, which involves emotional support and help when they see you are struggling. However, as a bride, you are not being a good friend to them if you a) put them in a bad financial situation b) only speak to them about the wedding c) have outrageous expectations when it comes to their own personal time.

Your life might be wedding 24/7 at the moment but theirs is not. I would be willing to bet that most of the brides who say their bridesmaids are not fulfilling their "duties" would have had some bridesmaids volunteer to help if they weren't ordered to do so.

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I talked to my MOH and her and I came up with a plan so everyone felt included without feeling like they have to work. She sent a text to all the BM with a few dates that she was available for some DIY projects and asked if anyone wanted to join. The BM were able to not feel obligated if they didn't want to help but then they still got to feel included.

I think the industry has changed drastically in the last 50 years. Yes, I think initially the bridesmaids had all these "duties" but weddings have become much more high maintenance and expensive. people also don't necessarily live in the same areas anymore. My MOH is 2000 miles away, so she does what she can but I'm not asking her to sit around and make paper cranes with me all day. I'm also not a DIY bride, so there just isn't much for them to do. I think it just depends on the wedding and proximity to the bride. But I also think most brides realize people have their real lives to tend to, and can't expect them to drop everything because one person is getting married.

Support =/= crafts, extravagant parties, non stop wedding talk.

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Read it twice!!!

Agreed, these people should be your closest friends or family. They should be helping and supporting you throughout the process and not just show up the day of. But at the same time, you can't ask too much of them or treat them like your own personal helpers. I think people have a hard time finding a happy medium

I completely agree with this! I also think it's weird when people say they're relieved to not be asked to be a bridesmaid and other people probably will be too. I've never felt that way and I don't personally know anyone else that feels that way. I always feel honored when someone asks me. I might complain about the price of something here or there but I get over it and do whatever it takes for my friend to feel special and pampered on her wedding day. I have a friend who was in 3 weddings last year. She mentioned that they kept her really busy and she spent a lot of money but she never complained about being a bridesmaid. In fact she was ready to start planning stuff for me and sending me info to help plan the wedding even when I hadn't asked her to be a bridesmaid yet.