Having second thought!! UPDATE

Deep breaths. Good news is that you have a long(er) engagement to really figure out if this is what you want. Do you live together? If so, for how long?

I am extremely independent as well and my FH is so dependent on me that sometimes I want to throw him out the window (we live on the 7th floor). But I have gotten used to the fact that someone NEEDS me (as much as I honestly need him). My love for my FH is so overpowering that nothing else matters to me.

If you really can't shake this feeling, maybe you should look into premarital counseling. Even if it's just for you to help you through this. Either way, your decision should be based on what you DO want, not what you should want.

I think every person goes through this, one time or another. Its just the pre-wedding panic attack. There is a reason you decided to marry the man you are engaged to, and that is because obviously you decided you could spend the rest of your life with him. Stress also makes people panic. So, just keep thinking about what made you decide to say yes to this man, and it should all start falling back into place. If you have no reason for saying yes, then that could pose a problem. Sorry I couldnt be of more help.

Honestly, some might say its completely normal. I don't know, because to me its not okay.. But that's just me. I haven't had a doubt since we've been engaged.. Actually since before that. Do I get scared? Yes. Do I worry about things? Yes. Am I nervous about everything? Yes. But being with him and only him for the rest of my life excites me and makes me happy.. And he's the only guy I've ever dated.

I say take some time to think. Think about what you're doing. If you don't feel that its right or you're having second thoughts, there's a reason for that. It could just be stress and worry and not really be about getting married.. But you need to figure that out. Figure out why you're feeling this way, talk to your FS about it, take a step back and analyze your life, and your relationship. If it still doesn't feel right, don't do it.

No we dont live together we were planning moving in together in November. I love FH to.death and he is all around the greatest man ive ever had in my life. Hes there for me 24/7 somwthing im definitely not used to.

I think that this is pretty normal. I love my FH so much, but there are times when I think that I don't want to do this and then I think about all of the happy times that we have together and I don't want to give that up. He is genuinely my friend and we get along most of the time. Do I think I could live without him? Yes I could, but I don't want to. Think about how you feel about your FH and then you determine what you want to do. You have to be in a marriage all the way or it will not work. I wish you the best and hopefully it's just the jitters.

I completely echo kk!

Hmmm, I am taking particular note of this. I think you alluded to this once before in a post. It seems like there is something really going on here. This isn't just a fleeting thing it seems. I keep saying seems because clearly we don't have all the facts. But I will say this, investigate it. Look at it. Look into it. Look all around it and make sure it's nothing. But if you think there is something to it, it just might be. You do have the luxury of time. You have more than a year before you get married and being a planner, the timeline will not be your issue. Marrying the man you should and want to marry is the issue.

Edwina was 100% correct (forgive my paraphrase Edwina) but you have to be married like you are pregnant. ALL or NONE. Not a little bit. So be sure that you are ready and want to be married.

This is my second marriage. The first was when I was 23 and I married him because he asked. Honestly, I loved him and we were good friends but I was afraid cont'd

That I would not get asked again. Yeah I was young and dumb. But point being, I got married to someone that I was not sure about and 4 years later we were divorced. I wasn't sure I wanted to be married or married to him but I did it cause I thought I was supposed to. Fast forward 13 yrs and this time is right. This time I know.

So my advice is to be sure. Be ready. Take the time on this end (premarriage) to know what you want. PM me if you wanna talk. I am not a psychologist like AbZ and Brian (I'm a social worker) but I can give you some good things to think about.

I am with kk here. "this will be my first marriage" is a quote that kind of gets to me here. I realise that people do get divorced and remarried, but I think putting a number on the first one, like there will be marriages to follow is a little sketchy.

Him being around 24/7 is new to you? How long have you been dating?

Pre-wedding jitters are common, but you are a long ways out from feeling those I would think with over a year to go. I also feel like having any feelings strong enough to post about should raise some concern.

For some people this is normal, however quite honestly I haven't had a second thought about getting married to FS once ... Do I worry about marriage, yes but I know we are a team, always have been, he knows how to make me laugh, smile and joke, he is always willing and ready to talk about anything and everything that I may want to talk about ... we compliment each other so nicely, that I can honestly say I could never see myself with anyone else in my lifetime ... he is 100% the one for me ...

but take some time and step back ... make sure you are entering this marriage because you want too. Take a trip or go away for the weekend, just you and focus on your feelings. Sometimes getting away from it all, can help us see things clearer.

I agree with everything everyone has said and echo it!

I also think it is a very normal emotion to be feeling and just a stage you may go through in a relationship. However you said you don't live together yet? I have a feeling once you guys move in together and get use to that, your feelings will change. I also wonder how long have you been dating?

However if these feelings have been lingering and you feel strongly about this, it could also be your inner voice knocking on your door.

If that is the case, its your life, and you can always move in, see how it goes before commiting to marriage. Give it time, take as much time as you need. You'll know when you have made your decision either way.

By the time me and my SO will be married we will have been living together 3+ years at least. You learn a lot about someone by always having them around. I asked myself before if I could ever imagine my life without SO in it, and I really couldn't.

I totally agree with everyone and their posts. Everyone experiences this, no matter what. The more stress you have in your life, the more you will question your decision. But, the first time that happened, your heart and mind should've come to a conclusion...the fact that you're still engaged tells me you decided you wanted to get married.

It's not a matter of knowing if you can live with him forever...its if you can't imagine your forever without him...Take some time to think and pray about that, alone.

I'm praying for you!

Your wedding is still a while away and you're having second thoughts this early in the planning... I think it's time for some soul searching.

Right or wrong, it's much easier to walk away from something now vs. going through with the wedding and then realizing it.

FH and I lived together for a month or two during an apartment switcharoo. I was under a lot of stress with work, finding out if I got into school, and then living with the man I loved. I didn't know how to handle it, because I was so used to doing somethings on my own, and it was hard for me at first when he was always there. Looking back I realized I was acting like a spoiled brat -- and I apologized to FH.

I highly recommend a book for you and FH to do TOGETHER!! Its called "1001 question to ask before you get married" by Leahy. It has helped us talk about things that we don't normally talk about, and discuss our concerns, fears, etc. It might be something worth looking into and make a "date" of it every week to work through a few chapters.

Just because you are getting married doesn't mean you have to "give up" everything you did when you were single. I think it is healthy and important to continue on with some of the things you do now, like having some alone time!

I think the other ladies have pretty much said everything there is to say ... having cold feet & being nervous about the future is pretty normal but having doubts about wanting to be with your FH and only with him might be a sign that you aren't ready, When its right the thought of "being attached to one person for the rest of your life" will be a good thing. I agree that counceling might help you get over the feeling of losing your independence and maybe help you to figure out what it really is that you want for your life now. I'd becareful how you bring this up with your FS just because you have doubts about marriage does not necessarily mean you have doubts about him... He could very well be the ONE it just might not be the right time.

Anita...I can't say whether this is a normal thing or not. I can tell you that you should give yourself some time to seriously think about it. You could also do a trial of living together, because I really don't think you know someone until you live with them. I would have never said that as a young bride, with the first marriage. Hindsight tells me had I lived with the ex, I would have seen he was a narcissistic, misogynistic arsehole. Giving up one's independance or the fear of the same is def an issue for me. However, it dawned on me that once I feel in love with Frank, I gratefully gave up my personal independance for a different kind of independance...one that allows myself to love someone with all of my heart and soul. One that allows me to trust without fear.

Prayer will bring you your answer. Open your heart and mind for that independance I learned to embrace.

Sending prayers your way!

@ AP...You wrote:

"this will be my first marriage" is a quote that kind of gets to me here. I realise that people do get divorced and remarried, but I think putting a number on the first one, like there will be marriages to follow is a little sketchy.

What? "A Little Sketchy" sounds a tad harsh. Some of us have had no choice in the demise of our first marriages. It's a fact of life that marriages fail for many different reasons. Those of us who are lucky enough to find love the second time around use the number not wantonly, but rather as an explanation as to why we are having our weddings a certain way, i.e. I had the big fat Italian wedding the first time around. I am having a small and intimate affair this time around.

I can let you know from another perspective on having a not so perfect relationship from the start and having to be all in or not. I love my FH with everything that I have he is my best friend but I will say at times he has been known to be my worst enemy. I can't sugar coat our relationship because it has not been a cake walk. I got with a man who is prideful, had a terrible temper, and was no where near settle as I was, and he is quite a bit older than I am. We met we had so much in common. He was and still is a gentleman but he had never really loved someone before and wasn't sure of the sacrifices to make things work. I really believe it was a message from God that we were together. I had a terrible life changing relationship with a not so good man before my FH and while knowing him it led me to meet knew frienmds who years later, when I was finally single for a while and happy on my own, led me to meet FH. He was a tirant when he would stress or think things should be his way, so

Much so that he thought I would just leave him like all the others. Knowing his family, my FH has always been taking care of others and never had anyone be there for him, really. Help work through his hard times while he was making it hard on everyone else... He has realized someone can love him so much to always be there for him. Today he is still my best friend and we didn't have a perfect relationship to begin with but have as close to one as I believe it can be. My point is if you are not ready to be able to be there thick and thin through even the worst times, which you have to sit back and think how ready you are willing to give your entire self to someone, than mayb you need to give yourself time. You have plenty of time by yourself, and if you are not ready to move in by November, don't force it. But be honest with yourself. It may be something greater sending you a sign to fix any loose ends before marriage that may be giving you any doubt. In further relation to the story is

My FH has understand all the depth of love and what it takes to be in a relationship and being there for the one you care about as I was there for him. You do not want to enter in a marriage unless like the other ladies say you are ALL there for him as you want him ALL there for you. PM me if you need to talk.