Having second thought!! UPDATE

Carole I didn't mean it at all that way. Sorry!!! I have no issue with people who are getting married for a second time, I totally understand. What I meant by that was saying "this will be my first" seems to imply to me that their will be others. I am sure your first time around you didn't think of it as your "first marriage" it was your wedding.

Did I explain myself well enough? Again sorry you took that wrong!

Hello Lovely,

You are in such a great position for the rest of your life, but I think that it is completely natural to feel a bit timid about taking such a big step! I am a photographer in the Seattle area, and I see it all the time with my brides. They are shaking with nerves just before the walk down the isle, but once their eyes meet during the first few seconds of the ceremony, all of the worries melt away. Just remember to think about the big picture and that planning a wedding is stressful - but it's not the center of your world. Your relationship is the center of the world, and I often see so many lovely ladies get so absorbed in planning that they forget about the whole concept of marriage. So I would say that you have a healthy dose of reservation that will keep everything in perspective, and on the day of the wedding you will be so excited that your stomach won't be in knots - it will be filled with butterflies.

I wish you all the best in your life,

Lots of love,

Anita,

I'm not sure if any of this will help but I wanted to share something personal with you. I dated a man for a long time and after awhile it seemed like the next logical step for us was marriage. I accepted the proposal knowing it wasn't something I was 100% sure of. It really honestly had nothing to do with the man I was with. He was a great guy, he came from a great family, and helped me through the darkest of times in my life. BUT what I realized was we weren't great together. It didn't mean I thought of him as a bad person or even someone who wasn't kind or caring. It just meant I realized I couldn't see myself with him the rest of my life. I called the engagement off and 9 years later I'm now planning a wedding with someone I love dearly and I know is right. THE POINT of this is to please really look long and hard inside and out and do what you feel your heart is telling you. It will all work out for you.

I not him weve been together for 2 years now and he has been the perfect guy hes always there when i need him, when I didnt have insurance he helped pay my medical bills. He even helped me with my homework, I couldnt ask for anyone more perfect caring and loving than he is. I think my problem is all of the bad relationships I have been in and how they turned out which wasnt good and Im afraid that if we get married hes going to change and be like the ex's and I love him for who he is now in my heart I know e will always be this way with me but my mind is like doubting that. I love him more than I ever loved anyone else and that scares me to because I do want to be with him and marry him.

I'm sure many people get feelings of nervousness, fear, etc as the others have said, however, you're still quite a ways off from the day and you're feeling this already? It may be that you need some reflection time. Maybe take a day or weekend to really meditate/pray/etc on the subject and hopefully you'll gain some insight on what exactly it is that's bothering you.

Others have suggested possibly premarital counseling, I'd take that into consideration if these feelings are reoccurring. I wish you the best of luck with everything.

Oh girl I sooo sympathize with you. I have been going thru this myself. I was married for 21 years, but have have now been divorced for close to 11 years. FH is in the process of getting his final divorce decree. He has been married for close to 25 years as well, and yes he is leaving his wife for me. But we have been together for close to 4 years - obviously it's not been a happy marriage. My ex lied and cheated on me many times and so did a few of the men that I dated. I am scared to death to be getting remarried. The "what if's" are there. But I do know I love him with all my heart and I know he loves me. And I also know that you CANNOT let the past dictate the future. You have to take a chance on love. I am at my utmost happiest when he is around and for that I will do anything to make him happy.

@Kimm P. well thats the thing he has been marries before and they were together for 21 years and this will be my first because the other men Ive dated werent worthy of me. I know that I cant let the past dictate my future and I know he loves me to death and he proves it everyday. This seems like a big step for me personally because I've never been in a relationship with a man who would give me the world if he could and I guess im in this he's to good to be true stage were I dont think he's real because he just does some amazing things that Ive never experienced or maybe I just feel like I dont think I deserve him. Even though I know that I do I dont want to feel this way because when I think about him I cant help but to smile and when Im with him I feel really good and I cant stop staring at him and this is after being together for 2 years and I still feel like that. I would do anything for him, If I could I would give him the world and it makes me sad to really be feeling like thi

I think its perfectly normal. Its a HUGE transitiion in a womans life...and i tell FH about it all the time. I dont doubt my love for my man, but there are times where i get freaked out...it terrorfies me to be known as 'gregs wife', instead of 'Mallory". Maybe that sounds a little extreme and crazy but the thought does cross my mind. I telll Fh that it makes me worried that I wont appear attractive or desirable anymore...etc etc. The thing is...i realize that all of this is insecurities within MYSELF..and have nothing to do the strength of our relationship or my love for FH. I just feel insecure with myself. Becoming a wife is a huge step in life...of course its natural to get nervous.

Well I posted a blog on this " Cold Feet". I felt the same way at one point. I do think everyone has different feelings and emotions and I couldn't help the way I felt. I never mentioned it to my FH because I didn't want alarms to go off in his head because I knew the bottom line was that I love him and that's who I want to spend the rest of my life with. I think with me it has a lot to do with the pressure of planning, and me being affraid of change. I too am very independant and to take on the responsabilities of being a good wife and later a good mother scared me. My feelings of cold feet come and go but there will be no turning back for me. I have asked myself if this is what I wanted and it took me a few days to be 100% sure because I didn't want to put on a smile and trick myself into thinking things would workout but at least I know now everything I want is based on change (good change).

Take a deep breath, relax and take a few days to think about life with him and without him you by then you should know what you want.

I'm ok with it all, I won't lie there are times at night when I wake up and look around my room and think man... it won't be long and I won't be coming back to MY room and MY bed in my mom's hosue. It's a weird feeling but I also can't wait to be married and actually be able to live FH in the same house lol. I will admit (this is random.. but I do sleep better when he's in the same bed with me.. I've found this out from the few nights he's stayed over because of bad weather lol)

Hey Anita, I have a little different twist for my answer. Like you, I am an older bride and have lived a full happy life as a single woman. I have also met my share of not so great guys and have lived threw the same kinds of bumps that I have read in some of your other posts. As such I think there is something to the fact we have been more selective and had more experience before our "first" marriage. I didn't read that like you were telling people you expect to have more, but more that you don't have the experience of being married already. I think having experienced so much, for me, I occasionally have the same thoughts, but that's part of what I attribute them too. I am looking at what I have already experienced and letting the past have a say on my future. I KNOW in my heart that marrying my FH is the right thing for me, but then I think about how my life will change and how I have worked so hard to get it where it is. For me I think that I am morning my past life.

Not that I don't relish in the thought of what my future life will be, but I think it is ok to morn moving past who you were and what you thought you were going to experience as life. So I would ask your self, are you having this doubts as a safety mechanism (I will leave before he does), as a morning process for what you are leaving behind, or is there really something deeper. I remember you had said you ex was trying to be attentive now. Is there some part of your mind that likes the game so knowing they are both interested you want to play up to that. If it is the latter, you may want to think about if you are really in the place for marriage, but its the first two, I do think those are normal, at least in my opinion :-)

Anita, just take a deep a breath, sit back and discuss your feelings with your FH, the key to a long happy marriage is communication. Don't hold anything back. At least this is what I would do. Be sure to let him know that you do want to marry him - it has nothing to do with, it has nothing to do with your love for him. It's just that you're scared. And I really believe that's all it is. Ride the wave of everything your FH does for you. You deserve everything that he is doing. Nothing is too good for you. We all the deserve the best!!!!

Anita, I hate to say it, but you probably should really figure out if this is what you want. I know people say it's normal, but I don't feel that way because that has never been the case for me. I get married in 17 days and I am so excited. I have never once questioned during this entire process if he is the one I am supposed to marry. I am get excited everyday when I think of spending my life with him. I haven't gotten nervous once. Not one time. Just last week I noticed something else that made me more attracted to him. I have known him for 7 years and I have dated him for 6.

I suggest maybe having pre-martial counseling or something along those lines. Yes, your wedding isn't until August of next year, but it goes by so fast. I didn't believe it until I was in it. Trust me you don't want to wait too long to figure out if this is what you want.

I know you don't know me, but I am here if you need to talk.

Thank you ladies I really appreciate all of the advice, I am a constant thinker and he reads me very well and knows when something is bothering me. I tell him Im thinking about something else because I dont want to alarm him. Ithink after my finals are over next week Im going to take a mini vacation for myself as a gift for finishing school and take that time to relax and think obout all of this and figure why I am having these second thoughts. I definitely know its not because of him its more me than anything.

I think every one has some second thoughts now an again .... but dont make any rush choice that you might regret in the long run. you need to figure out if this man is the right person for you, can you see your self together in 50 years old and grey? can you make it through the hard times with this man? marriage is work and not easy all the time, but is totally worth it when you are 60 and sitting next to your best friend and laughing about all the stuff that got yuto where you were

Here is a little tip I once heard a very wise counsellor say....Don't marry the person you can live with, marry the person you CAN'T live without. You WILL know when you are with the person you CAN'T live without. If when you go on your vacation you are not LONGING for him....then you will know....

and no it's no fault with him, you have to figure out what's in you for him

on the other hand, when you don't live together it is very natural to have wondering thoughts (not about the relationship though).....thoughts like I won't be able to leave dishes in the sink again, I won't beable to just fart when I want to, come home when I want to.....go to bed when I want to.....I won't be living with FH until after the wedding and I am SO scared of the drastic change......IS THIS WHAT YOUR FEELING??? If so, THAT is VERY normal....

just my 2 cents

I think what you need to understand is that one is in debted to one for all one has done. Being in debted is not the same as being in love. When someone reaches out to us in our time of need we sit up and take notice. It is rare we have a friend who is there in a time of need. That being said does not necessarily add up to love. You sound like you feel obligated. Think long and hard as there is a difference between being in love and being in debted.

I do understand that!!