Groom's Family Hates Me

Agree with LadyMonk, keep up the forward progress and looking to the future, sounds like you have a plan already. His family will come around or they wont, and that's their choice. Good Luck!

@Deborah/OP, you can't control what his family does so don't even worry about what they might or might not do. All you can do is your best. Deal with the issues as they arise and work with the counselor to communicate your needs. You're already doing that.

As LadyMonk said, you're going in the right direction.

@OP...I don't understand how being sick, before, now, ever have anything to do with the fact that your finances are none of your in-laws business. You and FH need to be okay with it yourselves and that should be the end of it. I don't understand why everyone has this need to be liked. If you like/love yourself and FH loves you and chooses to be with you then that's all that matters, who cares if they don't like you, don't hang around them...they will either get on board and fake it like everyone else or they won't. No big deal, their loss.

Just because...

Then if you know that it's difficult to get then why are you coming down hard on me for having a hard time getting disability for an illness that many doctors don't fully understand yet. SMH.

And NO a doctor's note won't give you disability. Where do you live? It takes printing out a form, your whole medical form and a lawyer. And it can take up to two years if you don't have a illness that they don't understand. You seem to know little about truly getting disability, but I AM WORKING. So the point is moot.

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Thank you @ninjaaa. It's one of those things that people judge but have no idea what they are talking about. He was raised on Long Island but his parents came over not long before he was born (a year or two) and sent him to Japanese school on Saturdays and spent summers in Japan.

I'm going to offer my opinion on the OP's post. I read all the other stuff but I want to comment on the main post.

Probably an unpopular opinion, but I have to confess that I'm not sure I could marry my FH if his family hated me to the point of not being able to be in the same room as me. I mean, I love him to pieces, and for that reason alone I couldn't allow myself to be the reason for him moving away from his family or not seeing them.

I've seen a similar thing with my brother - he married someone the family really didn't like for a lot of very serious reasons (for an example, she told her youngest son via TEXT message that he was adopted and she was 'pleased to finally tell him so that she could stop pretending to love him' - her son was 30 at the time and we're still not sure to this day if it was even the truth). A lot of things were said at the time (I am friends with the son) and even after we have now made an effort because we realised he was going to marry her regardless, she has too many problems with us. What that means is I haven't seen my brother at any family holiday for over 4 years. She refused to come with him when my father was dying or to the funeral even though I heard him begging her on the phone to join him because he needed her. He isn't sure if he will make it to my wedding because she doesn't want him to go and so on. I even have to make sure I call him at work to wish him happy birthday because I dare not do it when she might be around.

It's horrible. And I could never put my FH through that. I couldn't break up a family like that.

So my thoughts on this are that YOU need to make an effort as well as them. You need to find a way to be on good terms with them. Unless your FH is completely happy with damaging his relationship with his family. If their problems are with you being a burden on him then sit down with them and explain the situation - make them see that you love him and between the two of you you are doing everything you can to make sure you have a stable financial future and so on.

I have that one in my back pocket for moments such as these...just trying to lighten the mood.

@MrsK - i'm joining in

Nicola -

I am sorry about your brother but let me clear up two things. The move would also be because we don't like living in the city. And we aren't moving very far away. Just two hours north. Right now his sister lives in the next town, but we live in Boston and his parents live on Long Island so what is two more hours.

Secondly, I have made an effort. But I have gotten nothing but grief from them from the get go. A few months ago I told my FH to invite his sister and BIL over for dinner. We were shocked when they accepted, but not so much when an hour before they called and said, "It's going to be to awkward. We aren't coming." My FH was crushed!

When I saw this thread early this morning before work I knew it was going to be a doozy. Never anticipated 15 pages though, just wow!

@OP I don't have anything new to add. I'm sorry that you are going through this with your in-laws. Best of luck to you!

Hey Deborah, you may want to read a book called The Battle Hymn of a Tiger Mother . I think you're probably quite familiar with Asian culture by now, but it's a book that even for me offered some interesting perspective. I think what you're issue is has A LOT to do with the cultural difference. Like Ninjaaa said, the individual is not seen as something important: it's the family. That's why in Asian culture, the parents DO see it as their business. It's really quite conservative from my perspective, but I know that it is like that.

What I'm saying is it's not the same "hate" as you would think of in a western culture, and it's not something personally against you . It will probably be a lifelong struggle for you, unfortunately, but like I said, hopefully one day they will see the light, even if it's in their old age. I don't doubt that you have made an effort, but it's probably going to take years . I don't mean to be depressing, but if it really is about the culture, it's not something that will change overnight.

Rosemary - You are right. You don't need to have a lawyer unless you are doing an appeal, but it seems from people i talk to 75% of people under 60 get denied the first time.

I also haven't applied because i have heard it's only $700-$1200 a month. I make more than that a month. I make fairly good money when I can work as I'm Adjunct Faculty at two places. However, I should look into it more in case a time comes (like the last three months) where I can't work anymore.

@LadyMonk - Not depressing at all. It gave me hope. Thank you for your suggested reading. I should check it out.

I may be wrong but i won't stress out about a family that will dare my name to be mentioned around them. You may just be too good for them. *pay attention to yellow cones on your road to marriage*

*warning signs* still exist in relationships. Every relationship/marriage come the good with the bad. No one has it all.

My advice is to always take the high road. If you engage in the conflict it will only make you appear worse. I would answer every message with, "thank you for your concern I understand your apprehension" If you always reply with that answer any problems they stir up will be their fault and make them look worse.

Aaaand it's back! #crankypants

OK NEW VENDORS, RULE NUMBER ONE: DON'T BE A MORON AND DRAG UP A THREAD FROM A WEEK AGO AND TRY TO GIVE YOUR USELESS OPINION.

I get that not everyone gets forum etiquette right away, but are you totally ignorant of all social cues? I'm kinda done with this.