Gifts with strings are not gifts

I agree, I think it's sad when family members decide that because they contributed they get to control everything for someone else's wedding. My family is very traditional so my parents are paying for our wedding. My mom is always sure to make sure that we're getting what we want, not what they want. And we asked both sets of parents for their guests lists for us. But ultimately to them it's our wedding, not theirs, so as long as we're staying in budget they're fine with whatever we want.

Money always comes with strings. The moment you take it you loose control. I am not saying to not accept help, I am just saying you do not have control over what someone does with their money.

Preaching to choir here! Now if you could just send that PSA to all of our mothers and mother in laws, that would be much appreciated

Seriously, I don't know what it is about weddings that turn loving mothers into completely manipulative batshit crazy people, my own included. She tried to invite herself on our honeymoon. Yeah, no.

I completely agree! I see posts on here all the time about gifts with strings. I don't know what goes through a persons head that they think if they pay they have a say. It's incredibly rude. I'm lucky my family gifted us money for the wedding and stepped away. They didn't want any say in how I plan MY wedding. That is for me and FH. Nobody else.

You know your parents and in laws. You know if that money is coming with strings or not. Most take it anyways then complain. That's not how it works. If you know they will want a say don't let them pay. Easy peasy. The allure of money overrides common sense in most instances.

I'm glad to hear that I'm not crazy.

@Keisha - you are right, people don't change just because it's a wedding. So if your family was like that with everything else, this won't be different. I guess it's easier being older, and walked all over in my first marriage, I can say not again.

I completely agree! FH and I were worried our parents would offer to pay and then invite all their friends (there are a lot and we want a small wedding) but we got SO lucky and I'm so grateful for it!

I don't think you're wrong. I think it's courteous to give family some input when they are paying for a significant portion of the wedding, but I don't agree with the idea that they should be able to control all aspects of the wedding. But it's important for brides to remember that family doesn't always do what they should, so you need to be prepared for strings to be attached.

You hit the nail on the head, @Keisha!

My family has always been clear that a gift is just that, a gift. Our parents decided instead of gifts they'd "gift" us vendors for the wedding. I said my photographer was $$, and my parents gifted me the money. FFIL just told us to make reservations at any restaurant for the rehearsal dinner and he'd get the bill. FH's mother on the their hand is the exact opposite. She offered to pay for the DJ, so I picked one out and told her. She then said it was too much (at $800), we didn't need one for that long (8 hours to cover ceremony, cocktail hour, and reception), and we didn't need one for the ceremony at all (120 guests outside on the waterfront). I could understand the money issues but when she started talking about if we really needed one I felt the strings pull on the gift. We just told her that yes we absolutely do need one for the ceremony and broke down the full timeline of the day to show that 8 hours is exactly how many hours needed. We eventually told her that we appreciated her wanting to contribute, but we're comfortable with the DJ and we we're going to hire him, and she then took back her "gift." I get only wanting/being able to allocate say $400 to a vendor as a gift, but when the prices go above that I'd just give the $400 to put towards the final cost, not try to make the vendor fit the gift. Maybe that's just me though. It was very "my way or the highway" and put a bad taste in my mouth, especially because the budget she gave us was "whatever"

It all depends on your family. Our families offered to help pay for things without strings attached. I could have said no to any of their suggestions or requests without a fight - but I felt compelled to take their interests into consideration since they were paying. Plus we know our families are coming from good places with their requests (for example, my dad urged me to invite my mom's side of the family because he felt it would be a great way to show interest in building relationships with them).

Eh, I disagree.

My parents are paying for a significant chunk of the wedding. I can't imagine not giving them any say in the planning. I invited my mom to our tasting and axed the dish she didn't care for. (I didn't really like it either, TBH.) My dad wants to invite several of his friends--why would I say no? It doesn't do me any harm to have them there. They aren't people I am super close to, but I have nothing against being in a room with them. He also felt oddly strongly about their names being on the invites, so I made sure to include names instead of "together with their families" like I probably would have otherwise.

My parents aren't demanding anything of me, but I think it would be pretty shitty of me to take their money and not take their feelings into consideration.

@StPaulGal. I agree some input, but you hear stories of if it isn't my vendor, color, dress then no gift. Of course my parents got to invite a few friends, but when their friends, who I never met, equaled my non family invites, that was cut back a little. And opinions on food are great, but when it is If you don't have the flounder I'm not paying for anything, that's too far.

If they pay, they get a say.

Often times, family members give money and in return, they expect some role in the decision making process.

Not saying it's fun to get a gift and not be able to make your own decisions, but you don't have to accept any gifts.

I completely agree. My father is helping with a large portion of our bill. He hasn't said a peep. He said "let me know when and how much"

I asked if he wanted to see the venue and he said "as long as it's what you want"

Fhs parents offered us money and I politely declined because they are those exact "with strings" people. It would held over our heads for the rest of our lives. That's not a gift. If you want something out of me just ask, don't play me like a puppet.

My dad is assisting with a substantial portion of my wedding. however, that means that we get the wedding that we want (by we I mean me, FH, and both families). Honestly we wanted to elope and we didnt because of the families and our situation. Otherwise we would have run off and got married a year ago. Because of that, we are taking requested input from the family. My step mom really wants a family picture of everyone. I actually would also like this, it was requested of my photog already. They have a pretty large say in who comes. Honestly, if they didnt want this, we wouldnt be doing it. So yes, the guest list is a lot of who my family wants to come (granted its under 80 people total with very few being friends, our choice on that part).

Yes, money comes with strings. If you have an issue with this, you shouldnt take their money, gift or not.

My mom and dad are so excited that I'm getting married, they're bedside themselves. They are giving us $5k. Anything outside of that is our responsibility. But for us, it wasn't about control or approval. I genuinely wanted my mom's opinion on our venue, and my colors. She always says, "I really like it, but remember, this is yours." I can't imagine it being any other way.

If you give a gift with the expectation of having some influence over decisionmaking but neither you nor the recipient openly talk about your influence, and the recipient feels pressure from you to do your bidding, it sounds more and more like a bribe.

My mom is a "strings" person, but I do think that anyone giving anyone thousands of dollars does have at least input in where the money goes and such. They also should have a say in SOME of the guest list- not all, but some. It is alot of money, and I would have a problem with a "my way or the highway" type string, but simple inclusion and suggestion is common courtesy, I think

I completely agree. Any money that has been given to us hasn't had any strings attached... so far. Lol.