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VIP October 2017

Gifts with strings are not gifts

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Tricia, on June 5, 2017 at 7:19 PM

Please don't take this the wrong way, but since when do gifts come with strings attached? If a family member is generous enough to help pay for a wedding, am I the only one that sees that as a gift and that does not give that person control of the wedding? I was so lucky my parents paid for my first wedding. They had say in some of the guest list. They approved the contract with the venue, not the venue itself. And they got approval on budget things. But we picked it all. This time we planned on paying 100%. Again, very lucky both sides have offered gifts. My mom is giving us straight cash, his parents offered to pay for the honeymoon (after we already booked it). Both have had input all along, but it is out decision. Those gifts aren't coming with strings. Am I wrong to see it that way?

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Master May 2017
VC · on June 5, 2017 at 10:41 PM
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Yep. Most people are used to this "I am paying so I get a say" sort of like "the customer is always right" attitude. It's like if they have money to give, they get a say like it's some sort of power.

Money = Power to some people.

Those who are fortunate to just hand it over makes it a true gift. Those who provide guidance and opinions usually just want what's best. Those who act like children when they don't get their way because they are paying for it are usually waving their power and need to sit down.

Life is JUST so much easier when you pay for everything yourself.
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Devoted October 2017
Casey · on June 5, 2017 at 10:45 PM
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Totally agree with Keisha. You know your parents. You know whether or not your mom is the take-charge type who wants to make your wedding all about her and her love of peonies and cream cheese frosting and chalkboard signs. If that's your mom, don't take her money.
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Robin · on December 29, 2020 at 9:40 AM
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I just stumbled upon this while searching the terms "strings attached paying for wedding"...I have found myself in the unenviable position of having offered to pay for my daughter's wedding. She is a graduate student and does not have the money for her own wedding. Since the planning started, two things have hit the fan. First was Covid which has caused her to postpone the wedding. Second, was that she has decided I am a horrible person based on who I voted for in the the most recent election. My perspective on this conversation is that, as parents we are happy to pay for a wedding or to contribute. Yes, we should have 'some' input. However, if something about the wedding is particularly offensive then we as parents have every right to pull out. Say, for example you decided to marry a convicted serial murderer and have a wedding with satanic rituals (okay, that's a pretty extreme example....but you get my point). I capitulated when my daughter chose not to have the wedding at a church or even anything church related (they are using a judge to marry them) or when they chose a venue that was more expensive (by about $2,000) and that, frankly, I did not like at all and found unattractive. I drew the line when, prior to the election, I was told that I am a terrible person and was called some very choice names by said daughter that are not fit for print. It was at that point that I told my daughter that I was "out" - Don't become unhinged and call me every name in the book and expect me to shell out $30,000 or $35,000 for your wedding. So, yes, my "gift" of a wedding came with strings attached. Treat your parents with the respect they deserve.
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