Zakia
Just Said Yes October 2022

Getting your S/o involved in the wedding planning process..thoughts??

Zakia, on November 24, 2021 at 2:28 PM Posted in Planning 0 16
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So after the proposal, I immediately created a DIY planner to keep track of everything and started reaching out to vendors. However, I started to notice my S/O wasn't as involved as I'd like him to be. The planning started to become a bit overwhelming because I found myself doing most of the leg work with him being pretty passive about the planning process. I have tried to encourage him to get a planner so that we can plan together and designate roles so that one person is not doing everything. Any suggestions to help get my S/O more involved? The last thing I want to do is take over everything and make him feel less important during the process. This wedding planning should definitely be a team effort.

16 Comments

Latest activity by Elly, on December 3, 2021 at 5:35 AM
  • Jessi
    Super October 2022
    Jessi ·
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    You've got to sit down with him and talk about what both of your expectations are in terms of planning and come to some sort of compromise. There's going to be stuff that he might not care about, but part of this whole thing is working together, so you'll have to find a balance that works for you. Maybe he's not the type of person to want a physical planner, that's fine. You both will have strengths in different places and tasks can be divided up that way. If there is anything he actually is excited about or cares about, that goes to him. Sometimes it helps if one of you has more time to research, then you can narrow it down to 3 or 4 options and take that to the other person. If he keeps being passive don't just give in and plan it all, like you said, this is a team effort and "not caring" is definitely not a good enough excuse to put all of the planning on one person.

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  • Cece
    VIP November 2022
    Cece Online ·
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    I have been the one predominantly planning everything for our wedding, but TBH I love it that way! I adore planning things, and FH doesn’t so much, so it works out great. However, like you, I wanted to make sure the wedding would reflect both of us. So I would do all the research, narrow down it down to my top 3 vendors, then go over their work, packages, etc. and we would make the final decision together. This really worked great for us. FH wasn’t overwhelmed with having to see every single option available, and I got to weed out the ones I didn’t like and knew I didn’t want without him ever having to even see them (so no chance he would choose one of them LOL)
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  • Heather
    Expert November 2021
    Heather ·
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    Honestly, you will have to sit down with him and discuss if he wants to be part of the planning process or what he is willing to help with. Sometimes the guys just leave it to the girls because most of them aren't planners at all lol.
    I struggled for a few months planning with my now husband. He did help here and there, but when I mentioned PRICES for certain things that's when he started researching for himself because he is big on finances. I thought it was quite funny actually. But I did understand our budget and I was just simply letting him know what certain things cost like videographer, photographer, florists, etc.

    So, start off by communicating with him effectively NOW on what you would like for him to help you with as it is not easy doing it yourself. I mean it is doable, but you may be overwhelmed.

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  • KiwiDerbyBride
    VIP May 2015
    KiwiDerbyBride ·
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    Ask him what aspects of the wedding are most important to him (for my husband it was food, music and it not being overly formal so venue selection played into that) and get him working on those. There’ll be things he won’t care about (in my case, flowers!) that will probably be left to you.

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  • Zakia
    Just Said Yes October 2022
    Zakia ·
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    Wow!! Jessi! Thanks, Great Advice!!

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  • Zakia
    Just Said Yes October 2022
    Zakia ·
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    Lol, I like the approach you've taken on this one.

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  • Zakia
    Just Said Yes October 2022
    Zakia ·
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    Thanks for the awesome advice, Heather!! We will definitely find some time to sit down and have a conversation. I'm learning the most important thing through this entire process is communication. Thanks so much !!

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  • Zakia
    Just Said Yes October 2022
    Zakia ·
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    I will definitely sit down and have a conversation with him about what aspects of the wedding are most important to him. After the proposal, I mentioned to him I wanted a small intimate wedding with a couple of friends because I knew it would require less planning and we could focus on what's most important. I just wanted to get married and spend the money saved on a trip somewhere nice rather than on an elaborate wedding.

    However, he's more traditional and he wanted the traditional wedding with all the works. I think he is now realizing the patience and planning that actually goes into planning a wedding and how much work it can be and how much money it could end up costing. This is why I don't want to be stuck doing most of the planning on my own because honestly, I never wanted a huge wedding in the first place in order to avoid feeling overwhelmed during planning.

    However, I ended up agreeing to do the traditional wedding with all the works in hopes that he'd be very engaged in the planning process since this is something he really wanted.

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  • Chloe
    Devoted February 2022
    Chloe ·
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    I've started by writing down everything that has to be researched/ booked and considered for the wedding and then I sat down with FH and went through the list with him. It was good, because first: he had no idea how long that list would end up being and seeing it made him also realize that I definitely needed help with it. And second, we went through each point, discussed what we imagined our wedding should look like (and compromising along the way). There were some positions (big example: cake) where he straight out said that he really doesn't care about how it's going to turn out, so they've landed on my to do list. At the same time, there were positions where I didn't care that much but he did (like the officiant or the hotel welcome bags), so they went to him. And then there are those things we do together- I usually listed my top three options or ideas and then we would decide together. I think it's important to listen to each other and to give him a chance to bring in his own ideas... I was surprised how many ideas he has regarding our decor! And how horrible his writing was on his half of the invitations... But that's on him. Smiley smile
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  • Heather
    Savvy March 2022
    Heather ·
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    I have found that taking options to him and asking his opinion helps he be involved and me feel like I’m not making all the decisions by myself. For example, I picked out my favorite invitations and ordered samples, then asked his opinion on them.
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  • Samantha
    Expert May 2022
    Samantha ·
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    This is probably typical for men lol, they just don't care about details like we do. I gave my FH tasks that I know would matter to him, like good food and good music, so he handled the DJ and caterer.

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  • L
    Savvy December 2023
    Lissett ·
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    I believe the best way to get him involved and him being happy about it is you making a choice or options first then showing him what you like and prefer, then to ask for his opinion and idea on it. It seems this would be the best option that suits him and probably would be like that in your marriage. Some men would rather have the wife to be in charge of the planning and asking them for insight. I’m relating this as simple as a guy requesting you to make the appointment or take the car for new tires. I believe at the end of the day you will have to be the organizer but he would be supportive of your choices and would give in more easily when you’re insistent on what you want and like, which is definitely a positive.
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  • L
    Savvy December 2023
    Lissett ·
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    I would be more strategic with it as making your choices and then telling him about it. Since you’re planning it he would likely side with your ideas. But definitely not finalizing the decisions until he is aware and agrees to it. Show him specific details rather than generalizations. You just have to be confident in explaining that your choices are traditional. Which can be true applied to you because different religions and cultures have different traditions for weddings.
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  • Nichole
    Devoted September 2022
    Nichole ·
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    I have done most of the planning and prep, my FH came and reviewed the venue with me and came to the tasting with the caterer and has helped some with the guest list but for the most part he is happy to just let me do my thing. Trying to get sing ideas from him to give to the dj was like pulling teeth lol. You need to sit down with him and discuss what we both want and expect from each other.
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  • Stephanie
    Savvy August 2022
    Stephanie ·
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    For example, I went through a hundred photographers and picked my top ten. FW looked at those ten and picked her top five. I narrowed it down to two and then we picked our favorite together. She took on contacting the one we chose and scheduled our meeting. It's working out great so far.
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  • E
    Dedicated August 2023
    Elly ·
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    You can always try a humorous approach like, "Hey babe, I finally picked out what I'm going to wear on our wedding night" and then show him a dinosaur onesie.
    (Que the bewildered/ oh-you-got-jokes-now stare).

    After that, just say that you don't want to lecture his ear off but two things are very important to you:

    1) You want to make it his day as much as it is your day and don't want to overlook any details he might want if you are doing it alone.

    2) You want to secure the vendors now because inflation is driving up the prices exponentially.

    I feel as soon as most people hear reason #2, they start taking immediate notice.

    Ask to book 1-2 days where it is just you and him ironing out details. Men tend to be visual, and most seem to appreciate choices that are narrowed down. Even if the answer is, "No" to some of the things you picked out, ask him, "What don't you like about it?" and follow with, "Can you show me or tell me something you may like instead?"

    Some other suggestions:

    -Make a date out of it. Go get a bite to eat or do something unrelated to wedding planning before or after you plan some.

    -Go to the hardware store to pick out some colors you may like (without expectation) and work from there.

    -Consider getting a dry erase board. It helps if it has at least seven days, and if you mount it by the front door. Most guys don't want to carry a planner exclusively for wedding planning, but when they KNOW there is something there for them to see in a place that they frequent, it will prepare them without verbal nagging.

    -If you have a vendor meeting, tell him at bare minimum 5-7 days in advance, and ask him to set a couple alarms on his phone (1-2 days prior, and then the day of).


    Hope this helps.

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