Downsizing wedding after STDs are sent out...help?

Since you haven't answered my question, I'll just say that if the OOT guest that you're inviting is not immediate family (a parent, brother or sister), you're opening yourself up to even more hurt feelings from both sides of your families by inviting them. Good luck. This is going to be sticky.

@Kmess 20 including parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. My mother has passed and I am extremely close with my aunts/uncles/grandparents on that side of the family as a result and they are not people I could have that day without. We are thinking ceremony at a public park under a covered bridge and then a small dinner out after.

The cake and punch route is not a bad idea, though. Definitely something FH and I could consider.

Sorry. too late now. as others have said a save the date means they're getting an invite.

@ShellBelle, the OOT guest that booked reservations is an aunt who lives on the East Coast. She is the only family member who doesn't live near that has expressed interest in attending.

@MrsToBe, the things that have been booked are photographer, DJ, venue, and officiant. Of that we would only need to cancel the DJ, who is a coworker of FFIL and would be able to refund. We would still use same ceremony venue, officiant, and photographer.

Think of it this way...what would happen if you actually told those potentially uninvited guests the truth? "Upon further consideration, even though we invited you, we've decided that house hunting will be more fruitful -- and the wedding would be more our style (i.e., a less expensive version we can live with if we can have our wedding and buy a house) -- if we cut you and a bunch of others from the guest list we prepared, the budget we approved, and the size of the venue we chose." You can't do that -- well, you shouldn't. Dreaming and producing are two different things. Can we finally all agree that STDs are an unnecessary (and potentially problematic) component of wedding planning? I get it, I really do. STDs are fun. They're the first real "We're getting married!" proof you have. However, you've since had an ephiphany. You've realized that you can still have a gorgeous, memorable one day affair AND the long term benefit of a home IF you scale the wedding back.

It isn't against the law. You won't be arrested if you do this. However, you will be judged. Weddings are about counting the cost, and once you've committed by inviting people via USPS, you're not talking about material objects anymore -- you're talking about loved ones.

I would suggest you cut back in other areas. I'll be the first one on the chopping block -- cut the flowers and forget the ceremony decor (most florist realize that they offer a luxury item. We get it. Still, you have less expensive options). Then, cut the limo or party bus. Next, cut the photo booth. After that, cut the videographer. Scale back on the honeymoon, take a mini-moon, or go on a first anniversary vacation. Rings? Sterling silver or a less expensive metal will do just fine until you can upgrade. And, while I'm always waving the open bar banner, cut that back to wine, beer, and a signature drink. See if you can have your venue treat your wedding as a banquet event and not a wedding (this idea came from Rosemary, a WW bride, who figured out a way to have a wedding for about $40 PP in northern NJ by using the venue's banquet menu. That price is unheard of in this area). Go for fewer or cheaper entrees (and by that, I don't mean pizza). Buy a BMs gown in white instead of a conventional wedding gown. Use standard table linens and tablecloths -- no upgrades. Make the RD pizza and beer. Get a grocery store wedding cake. Give your guests food, alcohol, and entertainment. That's all you need...that, and the guests you've already invited.

So you want to do everything at the same place and time as your original wedding, but just cut your guest list? I would definitely let the disinvited know sooner, rather than later. And in reference to your OOT aunt, if you've only sent STDs and your wedding is in October, I don't know how much interest you'd want people to express at this point. They're not really obligated to do anything yet, so it seems incredibly premature to think they don't want to come.

@TheCenterpieceFlowers, we had already planned on grocery store cake/flowers, burgers and chicken with sides, and only beer/wine. No limo/party bus, and rings are purchased (on credit). Venue is a city facility and under $600 for ceremony/reception. Already a low budget affair and now even that is outside our abilities. That's the whole thing.

My friends were forced to book a new venue when ReBar in Brooklyn closed and cancelled all their weddings. They had to cut a couple people they had sent STDs to. Even though they had a good, beyond-their-control excuse, notifying friends that they were no longer invited was a painful process. They had to call and have that awkward conversation with each one. I think some feelings were hurt, it was all very sad. So no, I don't think you should do this, barring extreme circumstances.

I would say cancel your Disneyland honeymoon before you un-invite your friends and family.

No changing it now

I feel your pain, but there's no way to do this without hurting feelings. If I received an STD and then a "yeah there are actually 20 people who are important to us and you're not one of them," I'd probably not talk to you much after.

I would elope and save for a celebration of marriage later. With your original invite list. If I received a note that said, "new date!" I'd be much more into it and understanding.

Centerpiece, your post on STDs should be required reading to sign up here. I really wish we'd thought over our decision to send them more before we'd done it.

@MrsCaraher, I'm confused. In the original post, you sound like it's more selfish reasons (we want to change our ceremony and don't care about the people we've already basically invited because we want to buy a house). In follow up comments, you make it sound like it's a financial decision and you can't afford the simple wedding you've already planned. Not sure how if you can't swing that very simple ceremony, you can swing the down payment/costs associated with buying a house...but anyway.

I see it as you having a few options here. One is the proper, hospitable, appropriate thing to do. Keep your venue. Invite everyone as planned. Have the wedding at 2pm and have it over by 5pm. Simple cake/punch reception. A few hor d'oeuvers would typically come with this kind of reception, but you could keep it very simple. Maybe fruit and cheese. The grocery store you're getting your cake and flowers through probably caters simple things like that.

Second option is to elope. Cancel the entire shindig and elope with IMMEDIATE family (literally parents and sibs only) present. Take them out to dinner. Send a marriage announcement with a hand-written note on each announcement saying that you unfortunately had to cancel your ceremony but look forward to hosting a marriage celebration sometime in 2017. I'd do something like the notecard below and have it blank on the back so you can add personal words.

Send postponement announcements (see below). Have the wedding you've been planning, but change your date to sometime in 2017. It will give you more time to save and reduce some of the stress. Leave out the last line; you don't owe guests an explanation. If they ask, you can decide what you're comfortable sharing.

What you really want to do is have your ideal wedding that you've planned but with only family. Literally 40 plus brides and vendors on here have told you how rude that is, but if you're 100% going to do it anyway, send handwritten notes on nice stationary to each guest you're uninviting. Be transparent, and they'll probably understand. Tell them that "due to unexpected financial constraints, we've had to change our ceremony and cancel the large celebration we had planned. We are so sorry for any inconvenience and look forward to celebrating with you at a later time. Thank you for your thoughts, wishes, and prayers surrounding our marriage!"

I like to think I'm a stationary/written etiquette "pro" and this one stumped me a little. I hope you guys do whatever is right for you in the classiest way possible. Best of luck.

^^^^

@Laura summed it up beautifully.

But Michelle the Honeyfund will pay for that so it's not part of the budget DUH.

Whoops Jeanne, silly me!

SDT's should be banned.

It's ok Michelle, I think few of us are so bold as to invite 150 people we can't afford to host and ALSO ask them to fund our luxury vacation.

Okay, I'm not trying to be an asshole here, but according to your Disneyland honeymoon fund for people to contribute to in lieu of gifts, "You've been fortunate to be able to create a home for yourselves," but now you want to dis-invite people to your wedding so you can buy a house? This doesn't make any sense. ETA: Yep, @Jeanne.