Daughter doesn't want stepfather at wedding

May be an unpopular opinion, but this sounds like me and my stepdad. He has treated me like absolute garbage for 10 years now and I have absolutely NO desire to see him on the happiest day of my life. The ONLY reason he will be there is because my mom has graciously offered to pay for most of my wedding (she's the bread-winner) but if it were up to him, my stepdad would rather my mom not have any part of my wedding. So I understand from the daughter's point of view, and if she really doesn't want him there and you aren't paying for it, then you should respect her decision.

My question to you is, she is living with you and getting married? So his her husband moving in too? I'm lost because she should be on her own not living with her step father and mother. If she's a grown woman, she does have a choice to say who can be at her wedding. But if she living at home, with step father, and step father is doing his duties as her step father, the. Let bigons be bigons, keep father and step father separate and enjoy the wedding.

And also my step mother and I are not the best of friends because of how she treats me. However, I know that my father will make sure she is on her best behavior and will not tolerate any disrespect. But I really don't have to worry about that, she's so excited for me. I also bridged to gap by inviting her to all the fittings and parties that I have planned. As a 39 year old woman, one of us had the be an adult, mind as well be me. And besides, I really love my dad even though he didn't marry my mom. But we are all adults.

I honestly don’t think we have the whole story here. I find it very suspicious that she lives with you full time, you pay for everything, you take her for dinner but she has exactly zero relationship with the stepfather figure she’s been living with for presumably a good number of years. Even if they were both not chatty and very quiet, there should be some kind of relationship within a healthy household. Again, op said she’s been married to him for years. Her daughter not wanting to invite someone who her mother married and with indicates there has to be more problems going on, with her daughters distrust, misconceptions, hatred, whatever. Unless op and her husband allow her daughter to walk all over them, we’re missing the “other problems” mentioned in the first post.

Latasha, I live with my father, and will for a few months after the wedding.. I absolutely loathe the statement “she’s an adult and should be on her own”, there’s circumstances that can change which could cause them to live at home temporarily.

Sarah, I’m starting to wonder that too, however my sister acted this same way towards our step father. He tried so many times to form a relationship with her, but she gave two shits. She lived with them, he bought her a car, he found her good job. It didn’t matter what he did to help her better her life, she treated him like absolute garbage.

Yes he and my mother had an affair that resulted in my parents divorcing, however never once did my dad make us choose, never once did my dad tell us anything about not wanting us around my step dad. I asked him once about it, he said my parents’ divorce was their decision, had nothing to do with us, that we love our mom and he’d never taint our relationship with her by using their issues against her.

Elizabeth the issue with disagreeing is that most people saying no he doesnt have to be invited never address the other issues. if the bride was the one posting everyone woulf tell her to move out and refuse all money from him before not inviting him. most people here saying he doesnt have to be invited are not addressing the livinf situation and the money in conjunction with the invitation issue. thus they are inconplete answers which i cannot assume they read all the follow ups. the money and the invitation are relevant to eachother.

^^^^ I’m not disagreeing with you hisbeauty and I like that you can bring personal experience to the table. But you said your sister treated your stepfather like absolute shit and OP kinda just said they don’t talk. She never mentioned them fighting or disagreeing or her treating him poorly. So just makes me wonder if there is more to her daughters behavior than she’s letting on or if there’s anything else. A divorce was probably inevitable or in the works anyways but it just seems suspect that they don’t necessarily not get along, they’re just not chatty.

I understand where you are coming from @ his beauty.

Sarah, I understand. My sister would just pout at dinner, barely acknowledge his presence. It was infuriating. I get she was upset but at least have a conversation. That’s what I did. I wasn't besties with my step dad, but I didn’t act like a brat and not have a conversation. I’m curious if OP’s husband has tried to bridge a relationship with her daughter. It almost seems like the daughter is following her dad’s words on it..

Also it’s been asked but not answered, how long ago did all of this happen? How long have you been divorced and remarried? If recent I get it but still seems weird she’s living with you rent free but can’t invite him.

My parents are divorced, my step dad and I aren't close even though he married my mom 25 years ago. I would never DREAM of not inviting him, especially if I were living rent free in his house!! Your daughter sounds very self centered, and she needs to get over herself.

Also, your ex needs to find a way to get over the past.

My parents and steps have been to a hundred or more events over the years knowing that the others would be there, because they cared more about their kids than their own disagreements.

For the record, I even moved out if my mom's house when I was 14 to live with my dad through high school and college, because I didn't get along with my stepdad. If your daughter dislikes your husband so much and cares about her father's opinion so much, she could have done the same. Even with all that, I still would have invited my stepdad had I gotten married ten years ago (I'm 33 now, and haven't lived with either parent since I was 21, so that aspect is irrelevant for me now).

SnowQueen, I don't have to answer every single part of a thread to answer the question that was asked or the concern that was expressed. My answer is just as complete either way. My opinion is that the bride needs to invite this man, but that the man should have the class not to come. I was not asked for anything else, but if I had been, I would add that if I was the man, I wouldn't pay for the wedding. Whether he does or not though doesn't change my opinion. I would have this opinion even if he insisted on paying for it or even if the bride came here to post.

There's a lot to read here! I think it sounds like her father is the one who doesn't want to see "his compettion." OP has made several comments about having neutral relationship with stepfather, not wanting to make dad angry, wouldn't mind stepfather being there... things like that. So really, what I'm getting from this, is invite stepdad and tell dad to put on his big girl panties for one fucking night and make this about his daughter getting married- not some testosterone chest thumping contest. It seems like daughter is indifferent, really, but dad hasn't moved on and she knows this and is worried about a man-glare contest.

@snowqueen. You don't have to have anyone you don't want in your life.

Her daughter needs to understand that her actions will come with consequences. And maybe the mother and step father need to stop providing housing.

I get why she may be uncomfortable with him and her dad in the same place. However, if she feels comfortable enough to live with you both and accept your money for the wedding, then he absolutely should be invited.

If she refused, I think you should stand with your husband because of how disrespectful it is to your spouse. I'd also cut the wedding money and suggest she look to move out.

I would start by talking to your daughter and explaining that your husband is important to you and that you would really like him to be there. Maybe she would be willing to change her mind if you appeal to her emotionally and honestly.

However, if your daughter is unwilling to budge and truly does feel uncomfortable with her step-father there then I urge you to respect her feelings and decide for yourself if you want that to keep you from being at your daughter’s wedding. You may be within your right to refuse to show without him since it is considered rude to invite a person without their spouse, but this may be one case where wedding etiquette should not apply. Only you and your daughter can decide what to do here. A lot of people may feel that your daughter should be an adult and suck it up and deal with it, but no one knows how your daughter feels and she shouldn't be forced to be unhappy on her wedding day. She should be prepared to face any fallout from her decision, however. And by all means, withdraw your financial support if she's not willing to bend on her end.

@Joanna, I do not know you or your situation but you seem like a loving mother who wants to see her daughter happy and I can appreciate that you’re in a very difficult situation here, but if I can share my own personal experience and maybe shed some light on what your daughter may be feeling... My father cheated on my mother all throughout my childhood and while I still love him and have asked him to walk me down the aisle at my wedding next month, I must admit I do still resent him for what he did and when I think about him giving me away and dancing with him at my wedding, it makes me very emotional because I can’t help but think about what he did and feel sad. Not only did he cheat on my mother and hurt her very badly, but it also feels like he betrayed me and my siblings as well, as he decided his relationship with this other woman was worth destroying our family for (and sacrificing time with us for her). It may be irrational but for the child in the situation, it sort of feels like the parent who cheats is choosing this other person over their children too and that is a very painful thing to deal with. I also feel very protective of my mother as a result and would never want to see her upset by him again, so perhaps that's why your daughter is worried about her father's comfort.

So if you do give your daughter an ultimatum and say it’s the both of us or neither, then she may feel like you're prioritizing your husband over her and it may cause irreparable damage to your relationship. However, you have every right to do just that if you choose.

Personally, I would never allow my father to attend my wedding with the woman he cheated on my mother with, although it’s not nearly the same situation as she’s not my step-mother and was never a part of my life, but just the thought of that woman being at my wedding makes my blood boil.

If you are invited, so is he. Thats the rule of thumb when inviting people to a wedding. Always count for a plus one, and always invite the person and their SO.

There's a lot we don't know about your daughter, I think it's unfair for us to say "She lives with you for free at 22? Then stepdad deserves an invite!" Just because she lives under your roof doesn't mean she likes it. She may be saving up to get married and move out, or she just finished college, etc. maybe her dad lives far away. I don't think allowing her to live under your roof entitles him to an invitation.

You guys getting divorced probably rocked her world at one point. From her perspective, she's probably considering all this:

-does stepdad's name have to go on the invitation with the parents names?

-do I want him sitting in the front row of the ceremony seats away from my dad?

-does he get included in family pictures?

-do I want to worry about awkward interactions and drama between my moms side and dads side on the happiest day of my life?

I'm not into being fake for the sake of it. Personally I would not want my mom's new husband who, to some degree, caused my parents divorce at my wedding. I agree with whoever posted that she is taking marriage vows and probably doesn't want the reminder that yours didn't work out.

I'm sorry if that came across harsh. I empathize with her because we are close in age. If people want to call that immature and selfish then so be it, but we're all planning weddings here and trying to perfect every detail. If this is going to derail her day then he shouldn't be there.

Also so sick of reading "I moved out of my mom/dad's house when I was 11 because i disagreed with their life choices" like we don't know this girl, she probably just graduated college and doesn't have the money for a place yet OR is saving for a house with her fiancé. I do not fault parents for not charging their 22 year olds RENT to sleep in their childhood twin bed???

Honestly, if I were her I would not have invited either of you. Granted, I also wouldn't be living in your house. I'd just not bring him even if she does break down and say you can.

My dad cheated on my mom, and was in all aspects a terrible husband. My mom in return was just as bad as a wife. They got divorced and are now remarried and their relationships are thriving. But my parents hate each other but are still both invited. I don't hate my step mom or anyone of my parents because I can disntinguish how shitty they treated each other and remember that they were awesome parents to me. No I'm not going to look at my dad at my wedding with his wife and say "Damn here is the anti of everything I'm pledging to my husband" if that's the case I would judge like half my family who got divorced. They broke their vows too. The mom clearly didn't love the dad anymore and while yes she shouldn't have cheated hindsight is always 20/20.