Daughter doesn't want stepfather at wedding

If she was really mad about the whole situation, she should have moved in with her dad (or out on her own) and not invited either of you. If she's choosing to keep a relationship with you, she needs to accept your husband as well. They don't have to be best friends, but if she's living with you guys, she's kinda SOL and needs to invite him.

OP, some of your posts make it sound like it's actually her dad speaking through her--he's expressed that he isn't comfortable with your husband being there, and he's asking her to relay the message ("I don't think she's uncomfortable with him being there at all..." in your reply on page 2).

If this is the case, it sounds like she's doing exactly what my H's ex-wife does when she wants to bitch about something: send it through the kids (H's oldest is the same age as your daughter). If that's the case, I'd actually tell you to talk with your ex-husband yourself. If it's HIM who's uncomfortable with it, and he's putting her in the middle, then it's something you need to resolve with him. And my suggestion for resolving it would be to tell him to quit putting the kids in the middle and grow up; however you got there, you're divorced and it's over and he needs to put it aside for your daughter's day.

We deal with this really regularly with H's ex-wife, who likes to use the kids to say things that she won't actually say. H always stands up for me and for our relationship, but that doesn't stop him from getting emails that say things like "Mom and I were talking, and we think it would be a great idea for you to come here for Christmas so we can all be together as a family like we used to be." So parents speaking to exes through their children just pisses me off. Talk with your daughter, find out if that's what happening, and the, if it is, talk to your ex.

As a product of the 90s, I am just going to leave this here.

As for the actual post, I am concerned that even after the wedding there will be irreparable damage to all relationships if her stepfather is not invited.

Yikes this is tough. I agree with a lot of other PP's - if she's an adult and lives with you and your new husband rent free she should most definitely respect him and follow etiquette and invite him to her wedding. I imagine a lot of her stirred emotions stem from her father requesting your new husband not be there, but adults need to be adults here.

I also agree with others when they say that she's going to be vowing forever with her FH and I imagine it brings a lot of bad memories or emotions from what happened in your own marriage, and I think there should be some compassion on the way she is feeling right now. What happens between parents really does trickle down to the children, and I'm sure it's difficult for her, regardless of how you got together.

I guess I don't know the whole situation, but my question is - is she even ready to get married if she still lives with you rent free at 22? From what you say, it sounds like there needs to be a higher level of maturity and that whether she and her FS are ready should be the concern around her wedding right now, IMO.

ETA: grammar

@Sarah: "when you cheat on your spouse you cheat on your children and family too."

Bull. Fucking. Shit.

So when you divorce do you also "divorce your family"?

Cheating is bad. I think everyone can agree on that. If a relationship isn't working for you it is obviously better to exit that relationship before starting a different one. But as a practical matter the outcome is the same.

A child has no standing in their parents' private sexual lives. The only people who are equipped to judge a relationship are the two people who are inside it. Maybe the OP is a nasty person who cheated specifically to hurt her ex. Or maybe the ex had cut off all intimacy years before and the OP was trying to get needs met that would allow her to stay in her sexless marriage. I don't know. You don't know. The daughter doesn't know. Because we weren't privy to all the intricacies of their marital relationship.

I'll be blunt: the daughter here needs to get the hell over it. She can be sad that her parents' relationship ended. She is entitled to her emotions. But she isn't the arbiter of Mom and Dad and who done whom wrong. You are all grown ass people with the ability to make your own life choices. Her grandparents aren't going to spontaneously combust if they are in the same room as your new husband. Relationships end, and sometimes that ending is messy. Life goes on.

1. Are you helping pay for the wedding?

2. Is your ex remarried?

I understand her not wanting her dad to feel awkward but I think everyone is adults here and can stand to be civil for one day! I would hope her father would reassure her of that and not be childish about it.

I'm sorry, but if she feels like he is good enough to live in his and your home then he should be good enough to attend her wedding. I think it's a maturity issue personally. Plus since your contributing to the wedding you also get a say in it.

Is her father remarried?

I could understand her not wanting to invite him on principle IF she refused to have any sort of contact with you and your husband. She would be completely justified making that call if she wanted no part of your marriage. But she's living under your roof, having meals as a family and seemingly otherwise unbothered by the relationship so I think she's wrong here.

You cheated. It's wrong but unfortunately it happens. It ruined one relationship. Hopefully you learned your lesson. Like someone else said, life is messy, relationships are messy. It's not always black and white. Shit happens. Mistakes are made but as long as you learn and do better and be better, thats what matters the most in life.

This happened to me.

I'm not a fan of my mother's boyfriend. I probably never will be. She is an adult and I let her decide to include him on the guest list. I am more interested in my mother's happiness than not having him at my wedding.

I despise my stepmother (her and my father have been together for about 22 years) and if I could have it my way she would be at home BUT out of respect for my father I have decided not to be a bitch and include her name on the invitation.

@StPaulGal yes! You said exactly what I was thinking. When my exH and I divorced, everyone tried to have a fucking opinion and none of them knew any of the facts. There's so much more to a marriage that goes on behind closed doors and it's no one's right to judge.

Bethyonce yess!!!

Asta, I moved out when I was 18, circumstances changed and I live with my dad. I don't appreciate being made to feel ashamed for doing so. You don't know anyone's circumstances, so to judge based on what you wouldn't do is wrong to do. The generalizations and judgmental attitude are bullshit. You're basically calling them losers../

I'll admit it haven't read through every single response, but here's my two cents:

I'm a child of divorce and one parent cheating on the other. I did cast blame for breaking up the family, but being a husband/wife is separate from being a parent. I can understand the position of being uncomfortable, but there's a point where you have to grow up. It sounds like your daughter hasn't reached that point yet. You two should have a conversation and express feelings on this. It's rude to simply say he's not allowed to go and not invited. Yes, it's her day, but this is a situation she's not handling with maturity. Unless there's more to the story, she's being a bit ridiculous

Lol @ all these people saying she has to invite him, she absolutely does NOT have to invite anyone who she does not want. Yes its proper etiquette to invite him, but she does not have too.

I am not inviting my fathers wife to my wedding, my dad still said he is coming.

ETA: If you are paying, then you should definitely get a say, but if you are not contributing financially then really you have no ground to say anything.

Whatever you decide really sit down and think about it, is it really worth ruining your relationship with your daughter over because you can't go somewhere without your husband for a few hours?

I don’t understand how she’s living in your house with your husband, but says she’s not comfortable with him at the wedding. It makes no sense. Now if she didn’t live with you, didn’t do family dinners, then I’d get it, however she’s doing all of that. This sounds like her dad putting it into her ear, which is bullshit. Act like fucking adults. My parents have built up a cordial relationship, 7 years ago that wouldn’t have been possible. They’re adults and act like it for the good of myself, and my son.

My mom cheated on my dad, left him for my step dad, when I was 23. I didn’t like my step dad at first, but I sure as hell respected him, because that’s how I was raised. I sure as hell wouldn’t disrespect him by not inviting him if I were living in their house, it’s bullshit.

She can’t say she doesn’t want him there, but it totally ok living there rent free...

AD2AP- Do you live in their house rent free???

@OG Kathryn - Of course not, I would not live with that abusive woman. - I moved out at 17.

I think OGK is trying to make a point that she still lives under her families roof so therefore has to abide to some extent. @AD2AP

@ad2ap an abusive relationship ia different. this girl lives rent free with him and mom and step dad contributed to the wedding. totally different

@Boinkin - I do understand that, I am mostly talking about these PP's who are insisting just because they are married that means they are a social unit he NEEDS to be invited.