Daughter doesn't want stepfather at wedding

And this could truly have very little to do with her wanting him there or not, vs. her being afraid to be the reason the current and ex husband have to spend time together.

I see why this can be tough. According to etiquette, she should invite him. It's disrespectful to your relationship, regardless of how the relationship came to be, and you are her mother. I think you should sit down and talk with her about this, because whether she likes it or not, he is your husband.

My dad was incredibly awkward about my mother's new husband being involved in or attending the wedding, and I didn't have the best relationship with her husband, but there was no question about him being invited to the wedding because of how important my mother is to me and how important he is to her. I find it ironic that she is comfortable joining herself to someone in marriage, while disrespecting someone else's marriage, especially her mother's.

I wouldn't approach it as a "both or neither," but I would definitely stand my ground and insist that he should be invited out of respect for you.

Yes, she has to invite him.

You are her mother, whom she seems to feel is okay enough to live with (read: live on) but she cannot respect your relationship with the man whom you've chosen to marry? Not okay, unless like PPs said, he has abused her in some way.

Remind your daughter that:

1) Beyond saying a quick 'thank you for coming' she's under no obligation to hang out with, spend time with or even really look at any guest that she chooses

2) She can plan seating arrangements and such so that your ex and your spouse do not have to interact and they can abide by the above no hang rule

3) By not inviting your husband she is disrespecting the exact promise that she will be making that day to her future spouse. Marriage is marriage and it is not our job to judge the marriages of others

Wow, thank you so much for the quick replies! As Boinkin said, I don't think she minds him being there at all. She is worried about the awkwardness of her dad, grandparents, etc. Heck, I'm worried about how awkward I am going to feel around ex in laws as well. But it's not about me and I'll be fine.

Yes, this is a tough one but it's her day!

Maybe she is just saying this because that's how her father feels. He needs to get over it & not add more stress to his daughter about her day!

Normally I'm on the side of people who say you have to invite both parts of a social couple, but I dunno, I'm on her side here.

I understand your daughters feelings. The fact is that this man is your husband. How he became your husband or the relationship you had prior to your marriage is of no relevance. It also shouldn't matter to her. She's a 22 year old adult. IMO, she needs to speak with her father. It maybe awkward for him & requested by him, but I think her father should put his feelings aside for one day. He can have little or no interaction with your husband if he chooses to.

Not inviting your husband will only cause future problems whether your daughter realizes it or not.

Abbie, I would honestly say that my relationship with her is very good and we talk a lot. She loves her Dad but is not as close to him. I was actually very surprised that she doesn't want him to come. I know it's because of trying to avoid awkwardness for her dad and grandparents

I think it's wildly disrespectful that she's living in your house (that I'm assuming he either owns as well or is at least contributing to financially) but is saying he can't come to her wedding. She obviously isn't that uncomfortable with him. Unless he was abusive to her, he needs to be invited. If she can suck it up for however long you all have been living under the same roof, she can suck it up for a few more hours at her wedding. Even if her dad is uncomfortable, he'll live too. This is one of those situations where adults really need to sit down, shut up, and be adults. My parents hate each other but can sit in the same room (on opposite sides) with no issues.

I have a story very similar to yours. My friend got married at 22. Her parents were divorced but paying for it (mostly her mom). Her dad had cheated on her mom and later married that woman, about 6 years prior. Though she's always lacked some respect for dad and step-mom, it really came to a head when she was preparing for marriage. Here she is, vowing to love, respect, be faithful to, and build a family with this man. Those old feelings started boiling up because she no longer can rationalize why you cheated on your husband, her father. She's learning what all it means to marry somebody, and quite frankly... You did not respect your marriage. It will probably pass. My friend struggled with this, but eventually looked at the greater picture and welcomed her stepmother at the wedding. But sorry, when you cheat on your spouse you cheat on your children and family too. Not to be ugly, but I think I know what your daughter is feeling right now. Wait until closer to the wedding and bring it up. Maybe see if your husband and daughter can go out to dinner or do something alone, and build a small bond?

How long ago did all of this happen? Because if it was fairly recent then how your relationship with your new husband started does matter. And I'm way more inclined to being on her side.

ETA: I also completely agree with Sarah.

So I was in an identical situation but reversed parents: my dad cheated on my mom and is married to the woman he cheated with. My parents have been divorced for about 5 years and haven't seen each other since. My mom asked that my dad's new wife not be invited because she felt it was disrespectful to her as my mother to have 'the other woman' (her words not mine) there. I love my dad but we aren't close, and I've never actually met his wife.

I told my dad what was going on; he talked to his wife about it; the two of them decided it would be better for her not to be there. I realize that I dodged responsibility by making my dad make the decision, but honestly, it was a no win situation for me. I guess what I am saying is just try and have some empathy for your daughter. She is caught between a rock and a hard place, and no matter what, someone that she loves dearly will be unhappy on what should be a joyful day. That is not easy to deal with.

Hmm tough one. I would invite him. He is your partner.

She should invite him especially if she's living under the roof I'm assuming he helps pay for in some way. I get she's young and maybe hasn't dealt with awkward situations much (heck, I'm 22 and still try to please everyone) but there comes a time to bite the bullet and act like a respectful adult

@Asta- You got that right! Out at 18 and never looked back. Never will! HaHa!

I think you should talk to your husband about it. If he knows it will make her uncomfortable he might choose the high road and decide not to come. You may also want to talk to your daughter. She is very young and may regret this decision 20 years down the road.

Everyone has some very insightful comments and I really appreciate it. The last thing I want to do is make her feel bad or awkward. I would do anything to avoid it. I really needed to hear what others would think of a situation that I understand was made difficult for her.

I have a friend whose dad cheated on her mom years and years ago, and he ended up marrying the woman he cheated with. She booted dad out of her life. He wasn't at the wedding, or the step mom. Sometimes you never know how these things effect people. If I found out one of my parents cheated, I would be heartbroken and wouldn't be able to look at them the same. No, marriages aren't always sunshine and rainbows but "for better or for worse" is what we are vowing. It's definitely tough, and probably not easy for your daughter either. However, cheating causes such divides and that was a decision you were willing to make. Best of luck in this situation though!! I hope you can find a peaceful ending.

Joanna (OP): You and your husband are a unit. She is currently living with you, she does not have the authority to unilaterally decide he is not invited.

Robbin: What???

Asta: Just an FYI- There are several factors that effect a couples decision on where to live after a wedding. Most are financial decisions in order to actually have an option of home ownership/cost of living/education. It's not, generally, because Mom makes a better meatloaf.

If she lives in your home with the guy, then she needs to be respectful and invite him. It doesn't matter what you did in the past, things sometimes happen... There isn't such a thing as a time machine or we'd all have gone back and done something differently. You can only live in the present & live each day to the fullest.

@Asta-me too! When I was 18 I was an adult and wanted to be on my own. I do not understand this younger generation. My son will be starting college next year and we have already told him that the only way he can stay with us when he is in school is if he is a full time student. He only wants to stay until he develops a routine and then he wants to move out because "adults shouldn't be having mommy and daddy support them".