Cold feet? Second thouhts? Regrets?

Tabby I wish I could give you a hug right now. You sound so much like my sister, whose name is Tabitha. You need to understand like she does that relationships aren't going to be filled with those giddy happy feelings all the time. Every relationship has its ups and downs. It how you work through those problems as a couple that will build your relationship. I've had moments where I've had those feelings, but they pass quickly. I know I have a good man that I love who loves me back. I grab onto that when things start to get rocky. Getting some Christian counseling sounds like a good idea. Don't give up hope on finding it. Talk to your Spiritual Leader. He or she should be able to give you some ideas. I know a lot of couples in my church have gone through rough times.

@Felisha, I know each relationship is different but I have strong opinions on how a woman needs to live her life before marriage. I grew up with a mother who got married at 19 and did not have a self identity her entire life. Her only identity was being a wife and mother and she was unfullfilled because she felt she had never reached her full potential. She always laments that she "could have been a doctor" etc. but she jumped into the family life so quickly that she never had a chance. I recently read an article and in it they said that in order to be ready to marry Mr. Right, you need to become Mrs. Right! I like that saying. I also feel that who I am at 33 getting married is totally different than who I was at 19. I too was in a relationship at that point that could have lead to marriage. It didn't, and I am eternally thankful that I got a chance to complete my education, excel in my career, and ultimately learn about myself as an individual prior to finding my husband.

I didnt read ALL of the posts but read about half way through. I'd say that since that "intense giddy feeling" has went away that you should talk to someone. Be it a friend, relative, counseler, etc. You don't necessarily have to talk first w/ both of you there. Maybe you just need some reassure. I don't know about premarital counseling because I did not and will not take part. But if others recommend it I'd say it's worth the shot.

I am like you, I can't see myself getting a divorce 6 years, 7 years, down the line. I want this to be the real deal, forever & always thing. I want us to still be together when our children have their children and grow up to have our great grandchildren. And we sit and talk about this and share our feelings, etc. I've never not for the first second had a doubt. He & I have been engaged 2 times before (1st time he got cold feet, 2nd time we just couldn't come to terms with our past's so I moved away for a while.) Now, we are so in love after our break.

Good luck sweetie. I know its hard.

It must have been hard for you to grow up so fast, taking care of your sisters and all. However, you missed out being a kid and discovering who you are as an individual. If you don't know in your heart that you will be ready on wedding day, take time to learn about yourself as well as your relationship. He already said he will wait for you.

This makes me feel sad too. It reminds me of one of my friends, who married due to pressure and that she loved him but not passionately and maybe there was someone else in her future but she was too afraid to take that gamble and she was tortured because she just wasn't sure. It was so rocky for her for the first four years. She became more depressed. But now things are better for her after eight years of marriage. Of course, she has turned into a different person. Not happy. But very content.

It is sad because I always felt that when people marry, they should be so sure, not filled with doubts, and just eager to marry the love of their lives. Otherwise, it may get so bumpy. It's hard enough without that rock solid belief that you are marrying THE right one.

JJ is right. People should be so sure before they marry the person, not filled with doubts. My mom told me that before she married my dad at age 19, she had so many DOUBTS. Look at now, he left her emotionally abused after 24 years of marriage. She can't even trust a man, she is afraid to love. She is so happy that my fiance is nothing like my dad and that I have no doubts at all. Go with your guts Tabby.

Hilary, I totally know what you mean! I was sooo different at age 19 and wow I sure grew up so much. I didn't know who I was. I am now almost 25. My grams always was a housewife, never worked a real job and was 8th grade drop out. She always felt I didn't need to work or go to college, I would have to explain to her over and over lol.

Hillary, I can understand what your saying but please respect that each relationship is different. My husband and I were 20 when we married but we both grew up quickly for different reasons. By 21 I have lived in 5 different countries travelled to over 8 (on my own money) lived on my own, been the youngest ever store manager at two seperate companies and supported myself completely. My husband is in the military and after being in war zones and witnessing death in front of him he grew up rather quickly. We have both been through more than some people at 40 so please do not stereotype everyone and all relationships based on age. While I agree that most 19 or 20 year olds are not ready for marriage this does not apply to all and as my husband and I know it is up to us to continue to work through any issues that may arise over the years and no matter what in life everyone is going to change whether it be from 20-25 or 25-30.

Hillary, I understand what you're saying but I don't agree. I feel bad that your mom says things like that but not all relationships are like that. I know that if I ever decided to change my career or go back to school or anything else my husband would support me in doing whatever I needed to do. And I would do the same for him. I don't need to be single in my 20s to find out who I am. I'm 20 years old, I know who I am and who I want to be and what I need to do to get there. I know not all 20 year olds can say the same but I know myself better than anyone does. I wouldn't have gotten married if I didn't think Ian was THE one for me. I didn't care if I was 19 or 45 when I got married. My choice was always Ian. It has always been Ian. Probably from the moment my mom pointed to him and said "he looks like a nice boy, why can't you date him?" when I was a freshman in high school. So I have to agree with Aussie and stand by what I said in my original comment.

I totally agree with Hillary! I'm 29 and I had two very serious relationships, and I'm thankful I didn't get married! No one really knows what they want to do when they're 19 or 20. You might think you do, but 10 years from now, you'll back and say, "what was I thinking!?". Or, if you're still married, you'll harbor feelings of resentment towards your husband. I strongly feel a woman needs the chance to just be herself before committing to someone for the rest of her life. Otherwise, later on you'll just realize you weren't ready and you'll wish you had taken more time to become the person you were meant to be.

Ask any single mother if she could do it all over again. Some will say no, just because they think yes saying yes is somehow a betrayl of their child. That that child wouldn't exist. But any woman that is career driven will want to have herself financially stable and independent before jumping into marriage and children. Once you do that, you now have to consider other people before taking a new job, moving for a new job, taking a vacation, etc.

Thanks you all. Lots. Even when there were statements I couldn't really agree with, it still made me think.

I'm pretty sure I know what I'm doing now, but we'll see. I'm not gonna do anything is haste.

Maybe post poning it would be the best idea... it would give you more time to clear your head and not jump into something that you maybe arent commited to. I hope it works out either way

Tabby, if you need to talk to someone who is your age you can find me on Facebook. http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/felishamckeever

I know that there are people who look at your age and tell you that you aren't ready but really you are the only person who can make that decision.

That sucks. my suggestion? premarital counseling. and a book. the root of rejection by joyce meyer. if your a christian and your willing to let God work in you with this, this book can help you change your life. seriously. fh and i read it together (among 2 other books, lol) for our premarital counseling. its awesome. we finished it over a month ago, and every time we say something that reminds us of it, its helped alot. i was terribly hurt by an old best friend, and between fh, and everything we learned with that book, ive started healing and im working with God to tear down those walls i built around my heart. ive seen such a change in myself, and i know once those walls are completely down, yeah ill be vulnerable to be hurt again. but i KNOW ill be so much happier. and truly happy this time.

I def have to disagree with hillary and michelle. there are women who are 40 who wouldnt know better who theyre supposed to marry and girls at 15 who would. age has nothing to do with it. its your maturity level, level of commitment, your faith and your love. but tabby seriously, i just wanna say this. if i ever had a doubt about marrying my fh. i would call it off right away. or at least postpone. even when we fight, all i can think about is how i want him to hold me and make me feel better so we can regroup and work things out. even in our worst fight i could not imagine no being with him. we definitely dont have that ridiculous, giddy, im out of my mind in love and i cant hold back thing going on, cuz were not kids anymore. this is real love, not puppy love, and i understand how you feel about that cuz i thought i felt that way about my ex. but i only felt that way about the fact that i had a boyfriend, and found i didnt actually care for him much at all. cont.

Obviously that might not be your case. but bottom line, you should not have any doubts about the person your going to marry. your wayyy young enough that if you wait a year or two, youll still have plenty of time together to enjoy each other. and believe me, im not criticizing your age since im not even 21 yet. hope this helps some. good luck with whatever you do

Okay, I've read most of the responses here and half of what I'm going to say repititious and the other half is not.

I have never been giddy over FS, the entire time I've known him. I had been hurt several times over before he came around and I had up a wall (like Sharon). It took a month for me to even LIKE my FS, and a very long time until love set in. But, as I said, no giddy feeling. I honestly feel like this is the healthiest relationship I have ever been in for that reason and several others. I know where my heart stands on him, and could never picture myself getting cold feet.

With that said, I feel that you are still stuck without closure from this past relationship. You honestly should postpone the wedding, take a little time for yourself, and figure out what you really want. I'm not sure pre-marital counseling is going to help if you're not even sure you want to get married.

I agree that the age is not a factor at all. I just believe that when you have no closure or have doubts, may be the best idea to postpone. My dad was married for 24 years to my mom and no he didn't leave her for another woman. He just moved on fast and got married few months later. Funny thing is that she is just like my mom. I don't think he had any closure when he refuse to speak of my mom or refuse to be friends with her. I really feel bad for his wife that dad still is in love with my mom.

I just won't recommend to be engaged to another man when you were engaged a year back. You need time to heal first. You do not have to leave him at all, just postpone. Tabby please keep us updated and I wish I can give you a hug. This must be overwhelming.

Sorry to threadjack, Tabby, but I believe that knowledge is power and for those who are questioning my statements, well here's some statistics for you:

Data from divorcepeers.com:

Age at marriage for those who divorce in the United States--------------------------------------------------

Age Women Men

--------------------------------------------------

Under 20 years old 27.6% 11.7%

20 to 24 years old 36.6% 38.8%

25 to 29 years old 16.4% 22.3%

30 to 34 years old 8.5% 11.6%

35 to 39 years old 5.1% 6.5%

Of course the couples who are young are going to disagree with me and vehemently argue that they are "different" and more mature than their peers. Taking anything personal away and looking at it purely as a statistic, you ARE more likely to divorce if you marry young. (con't)