Bump..vow wording..'OBEY' your husband

I agree that pre-marital counseling would be beneficial for you. For any couple, actually.

I don't like the idea of agreeing to give anyone the final say either...that doesn't seem like a partnership at all.

Thanks for posting the link to that book, Kimi. I just bought it!

I refuse to obey anyone but God and my parents. My FH is not insistant on that because he knows I have a say in our life together.

We may compromise but no one is obeying anyone. That is left for children.

I agree with Carly.

That was one thing I was adamant about regarding our ceremony. Luckily for me, DH really didn't care either way. We both view marriage as an equal partnership and believed that our vows should be the same for each other. We decided to go with Love, honor, and respect. I will respect his point of view, but I have a mind of my own and I will not OBEY anyone (well, except maybe the law, but not any person).

I don't agree w/ the giving him the final say in a disagreement - but that's me - everyone has their personal preference. To me that sounds like an open-ended "he can do what he wants". That's very different than what even a pastor will tell you. It's one thing to trust your FH's judgement on a major decision, but to basically say you'll concede every arguement/disagreement for the rest of your life is risky. What if he wants to do something that you think is dangerous to your health or relationship or something? If you disagree, is he just going to do it anyway?

If you're unsure about this too, you definitely need to seek pre-marital counseling and get this worked out BEFORE the wedding. Please talk w/ your pastor to make sure he'll do this with you (not just meet about the ceremony).

For our wedding we both said "...love, honor, and cherish..." because no way I was going to say "obey."

I do the same thing with the weddings I officiate. And no one has ever, in 20 years, asked that I put "obey" back into the vows!

I will not be saying that I will "obey" him in our vows. And he knows that. We will also not be pronounced "man and wife." If you're willing to give him the final say now, I'd make sure you're willing to do that with later decisions.

I think if he has a strong stance that he gets "final say" and that disturbs you, it's worth having more conversations about..It has happened before that husbands become more controlling after the marriage. You both need to be aware and on the same page as to each other's expectations.

No one person should have the final say. A big part of marriage is communication. If there's something two people disagree on they should be able to find middle ground with communication.

I think you need to elaborate more on this. WHY is it so important to him that you make this vow?

For myself there is no way I would EVER vow to obey. I would never ask anyone else to do so either.

Just read ahead, he gets the final say? If that's fine for you guys then great, I could and would never give any person that power over me.

For me, obey will NOT be in our vows. Couples are equal and should treat each other as such. I recently went to a wedding where the wife said she promised to obey her husband, but funny that the husband never mentioned obeying his wife.... It is about respect for the other partner, not being obedient. Ugh, we are not dogs for crying out loud.

No that will definitely not be in our vows, it sounds too submissive to me. Are you really ok with him having the final say? That's kind of a rude thing for him to say, was he serious??

I also think you need to find out why it is so important to him and you would benefit from reading Kimi K's book(It's a good one.) and premarital counseling.

I totally get the Christian/Catholic perspective, as I was married the first time in the Church, am a certified CCD teacher and taught grade school for the Archdiocese for years. I also get the historical explanation. However, I am with Yardiegirl. The only two I obey is God and my parents. Hell, I question both before I obey them.

As a 50 year old woman, "obey" just hurts my ears. We have come so very far. But, obviously not far enough. The fact that somoene even remembers "obey" as part of their vows tells me we have a long way to go. Hopefully, my future granddaughters will only know this word from a tidbit of history when researching for her wedding.

Everyone on here has given great advice.

Before I even met FH, I always said, the word "Obey' would not be in my vows...

I am a very traditional girl, and I want everything to be as traditional as possible but I draw the lines at that....

I obey no one.

If Christianity/religion is the reason that "obey" is so important to him (which I have no idea if it is in your case, but I've heard this argument used a lot), the Christian Bible does NOT ever say for wives to obey their husbands. It does say wives should submit, but that's another argument. The word obey was incorporated into marriage vows by the Church of England in 1662, so that's where that word comes from. If you want to know more about it, this link is very educational.

http://christianthinktank.com/not2obey.html

If Christianity isn't a factor in his decision, ignore this

My FMIL has the same opinion as your FH. If there is a big thing to discuss, she and her husband talk about it, involving the kids if neccesary. Her husband thinks everything over and does what he thinks is right, taking into consideration everything she said, comprising here. If he messes up, they try again. Then again she's quite traditional. They have been very happily married for over twenty years. I see the logic. If you think your child needs to be spanked and He thinks Three months grounded is sufficent, You can't have a divided front or your children won't respect you and will play one against the other. Someone has to have the final say. Traditionally it's the guy.

Me personally, This is something that has been bugging me as well. My FH will be in charge of disciplining the kids (if we have them, we've been wobbling on the issue lately). I will back him up in front of the kids and if I don't agree passionately enough I will discuss it with him later, in private. continued.

Kimi, i ordered that book as well. i thought it would be really helpful. FH and I have been together for a long time. but i liked the fact that it had situations in it that we hadnt even thought of discussing! i havent got it yet, but its on its way!

i dont think "obey" is going to be in our vows either.

it disturbs me that he "cant come up with a reason" and that he thinks he should "get the final say". if thats not what you want for your life you need to figure it out now.

i think pre-marital counseling would be good. even if its just the book. also, if you guys cant be open and honest about where you want your relationship to go now, how do plan to do it when you are married?

i think there is lots to talk about here with him.

good luck! sending positive vibes your way =]

Personally I can't say obey. I have an irrational illogical fear that if I say obey my sweet considerate man who allways asks my opinion on everything will magically turn into a rude inconsiderate jerk who only thinks of himself. Although, if you FH really wants this that could be a problem.

I've officiated at over 500 weddings, and I have never had a couple include this. Love, honor, cherish, support....all kinds of things (mutually) but never obey. If what he is seeking is traditional language, there are plenty of things that can be said that are traditional. But obey? Sorry. No. The "final say" thing is something that you need to discuss.

Definitely investigate further. Sounds like you two need to sit down and have a serious conversation about what you expect to happen in your married life. I have been through a marriage where I was suppose to bow down and let him have final say. I will NEVER do that again. I don't think that is a marriage. It is a dictatorship. I really hope that it is just him saying what he thinks is right and not what he really feels is right. If that makes sense.

We included the "obey" in our vows; it goes back (as was mentioned) to a command for wives to submit to their husbands, and for husbands to love their wives, as a reflection of the relationship between Christ and the Church.

It doesn't mean that I am less important than my husband. It means that, when we disagree, I trust him enough to defer to his judgement, even if I think I am right and he is not.

Our officiant was very traditional, but the one we started with (before we switched states) does not use traditional vows, and we added it to our vows voluntarily.