Bump..vow wording..'OBEY' your husband

It's all personal preference, but for me personally to Obey someone means to submit and that you are underneath that person as far as chain of command. Why would you Obey someone you are joining with to become one?

You are supposed to be equal. To "obey" someone is not being an equal. It's an old term used when woman were seen as a mans property. It's out of date and no offense to your FH but demeaning towards you.

Personally I come from a family of feminist "alpha" women. So for me there is no way that I could promise to obey him unless he also promised to obey me. My FMIL did not want to promise to obey her husband but the priest made "a mistake" and switched their vows and so she ended up promising to obey him anyway.lol. She laughs about it now. I would try to find out why that is so important to him. Does he like the traditional feel of it? Is that what his parents or grandparents vowed when they got married? or does he just think it will be a good excuse for later to say well you promised to obey me and i am telling you to... ? I think that after you talk to him about why its so important to him you will have a better insight and will have an easier time making a decision.

That's wierd. Why do you have to obey him? Will he be saying he will obey you? Maybe you could write your own vows instead?

Hell even Princess Kate refused to say "obey" and that was about as traditional and stuffy as weddings get!

A lot of ceremonies take that part out. It's all personal preference. I always thought it was traditional because back in the old days, women didn't have a voice. They were to obey their fathers until marriage, which then they were to obey their husbands. Our Priest actually discussed this vow with us at our last meeting and he gave a really interesting perspective on that. It is religious, so I apologize if you're not the religious type. He said something along the lines of...

The woman must honor and obey BUT the man must promise to love his wife as he loves himself as Jesus loved God. To love a woman as he loves himself and then to compare that love to how Jesus loved God, your husband is taking a vow to put you in front of everything else in life. He should be willing to sacrafice himself to you.

Could u use honor instead of obey?

Hell no! Would he want it the other way around??? It's nice you want to incorporate his opinions into your vows, but why on earth would your spouse demand that be in there?

That is a red flag in my book...tradition or not.

Well FH MUST obey me...lol i think its about obeying each other but at the same time he cant expect you to just obey everything he says, that sounds a bit too controlling to me. if FH said i HAD to say that in my vows i would be a little worried. why is that SO important to him??

I get what Kimi is saying and I think that helps put it into perspective. But i think you need to find the motivation behind why he thinks its so important. If those reasons are purely selfish, then I think you need to put your foot down. But if they are not, I would think there would be someway to compromise.

^ Agree 100% with Carly's point.

What Kimi said IMO....

But I think what's more important is what "obey" means to you and your FH. Do you know what it means to him?

Ugh, I type too slow. What Carly said!

My question is: why does he insist you say you'll obey him? This would bother me too. Is it b/c it's more traditional, or is it b/c he actually expects this of you?

Even Christians who believe the wife submits to her husband as she submits to Christ don't say they'll obey their husbands. (By "submit" she means she'll honor and respect her husband, not do what he tells her to) Mine and DH's vows didn't say "obey", and I would've nixed that if they did. On the flip side, like Kimi said, DH vowed to love me as he loves Christ - meaning he puts me before himself, and is willing to die for me.

I'd be curious to find out the reason why your FH thinks it's so important to say that...

Thanks, Ladies. I've been through all the questioning with him. He couldn't give me a clear cut answer, but mostly it's because it's traditional and 'that's the way it's supposed to be'. It's not because he wants me to do whatever he says. He brought up the example that if we can't agree on something, things that married couples sometimes have dissagreements about, then he gets final say. Which disturbs me a little, but he's never been controlling or dominate in the relationship. It still puzzels me why it's so important to him.

No i would not give him "final say". it should be a dicussion and the TWO OF YOU should reach a compromise

I say if he wants you to say it then make him say in the vows as well "I promise to love and obey her"..

People always say that girls grow up dreaming about their wedding day. (of course, that's not always true) There are guys that do think about their wedding day when they propose. Everyone has heard vows and most everyone knows "To honor and obey" is the traditional vow given by the woman. Maybe he just always thought that's how vows were supposed to go, that's how he invisioned it.

Now, the whole part of him getting the final say in disagreements... HUH??!!! I'm not sure about your wedding date, but pre-marital classes might be beneficial. If you can't afford the classes, My FH & I bought this book from amazon and seriously, we've learned a LOT about each other. Each chapter has a list of questions you read and answer together. They're discussion points to help work on communication. It may help figure out why he's suddenly thinking this way.

http://www.amazon.com/1001-Questions-Ask-Before-Married/dp/0071438033/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1326490617&sr=8-1

THANK YOU KIMI!!!!!!! (btw im getting this book, i think it would be fun)

but it always amazes me how people make a life commitment to marriage but then are suprised when their spouse is horrible with money or doesn't ever under any circumstances want kids...why didnt you have that conversation BEFORE!!!!!!!????

Thanks Kimi. I hadn't thought about it, but I think you're on the right track with 'he always thought his wedding would be this way.' He's not your typical husband. He has opinions and likes to be involved in the girly stuff. Usually his opinions and ideas are better than mine.

We'll be meeting with the pastor before our wedding in May, but I like the book idea. We are usually very good about talking through things with each other; this is just one that still has be stumped. I'll have to look into the book.

WTF?!?!?! Give him final say?!?!!? I'm sorry but, don't do that to yourself.

Is this his idea of marriage based on his parents' marriage? Are there other things he expects in terms of what's "traditional" in terms of gender roles and relationships that you might not have uncovered yet? I would just want to make sure you fully understand and you're on the same page so you can iron out any kinks.

I'm a huge fan of premarital counseling, I feel like you don't know what you don't know about someone, until it comes up. I would investigate this further like Kimi said.