Bridesmaid Drama: Demanding to bring baby to wedding or not come at all!

Beyond the baby needing to be fed frequently, it sounds like she's very attached to her baby and doesn't want him/her out of her site for the ceremony. Which in my opinion is extreme. You sound accomodating because the baby will be there pre-ceremony. You're either going to have to allow it or just tell her she can't be a bridesmaid. The only option this BM sees is her child at the ceremony. And I dont' feel like there is anything wrong with saying no children at the ceremony.

@Spazzy....if the baby doesn't take to the bottle, which is common, then no. The BM cannot just pump and fill up a bottle. There are a lot of factors as to why a baby cannot take the bottle...one of our good friends just had twins and one of them cannot physically take a bottle due to a stomach surgery and a feeding pump. If you try to give her the bottle then the baby just throws it up and continues to be hungry. You sound ignorant saying that all momma has to due is just pump.

Spazzy - not everyone puts their child on a bottle. My mom told me I was never on a bottle. I was breastfed until I could hold a cup and drink normal drinks.

She also said the baby refuses to use the bottle.. so no. The baby HAS to be with the mother.

You already offered her to have her husband and the baby in a separate room within the same venue for the ceremony and she still won't take that? Then the problem is definitely her, not you or your FH. Honestly I think that's a pretty good compromise. I don't see why she needs the baby AND her husband physically next to her during the ceremony... being in another room a few steps away from her seems good enough.

@Spazzy, OP mentioned that the baby isn't taking to the bottle. Not all babies are as cooperative during that transition.

Spazzytazi - the baby will not take the bottle. Pumping will not work in this situation.

Not reading the comments but can the father and baby be nearby? Where is your venue? That way she can take breaks periodically to feed the baby but still attend the wedding.

I wasn't going for the bridezilla complex with my comment about how it's "my day, my way," but I honestly feel like i've put SO much effort into planning this day and i've had to draw many lines in the sand. I've had so much shit go wrong and now so much added stress. I really appreciate the feedback from you guys, it's been good to get some added perspective. Some of you guys are pretty much jerks, but I guess that is to be expected when you post on a public forum lol.

We had a similar situation although it was my niece and she didn't threaten to not come. We stuck to the "no baby" thing and it was fine. They eventually accepted that it is what it is.

This is your BM so shes your bestfriend...this should be really simple.

Baby comes to all the pre wedding things like you mentioned

Baby comes to ceremony and sits in the last row with dad

Baby crys dad and baby leave

Baby doesn't cry dad and baby stay

Other guests bitch = mind you business

Tell FH to get over himself. I'm usually all for the no babys means no babys but this is an exception. The baby won't be bottle fed and its really not that hard to accommodate. BM is happy, you get to keep your best friend and no one will notice/ care about a sleeping newborn (because they literally only eat, shit and sleep).

I agree with VC and others who said you have come up with a great compromise - having the father and the baby nearby in a separate area as your ceremony. How long is your ceremony anyway? If your BM can't fathom being separate from them for a short period of time, then you will truly have to consider her not being part of your wedding anymore.

I dont think that much will go wrong with having the baby there, if she feeds it right before the ceremony it will probably sleep through the whole thing or the dad can take it out of the room. i totally get your point and think she is being a bit controlling with wanting her baby within eyesight but think about how important this person is to you, do you want to risk a friendship over this?

@maltese - maybe she is ignorant. That's not necessarily a bad thing; not everyone learns the same things at the same time. If she's not a mother, how would she know that?

ETA: Is it common for babies to choose to starve over taking a bottle? What happens if the mom is incapacitated or dies?

Her husband doesn't need to be in a separate area! He can sit in the very back row so he doesn't feel "banished". If the baby cries, he can just quietly slip out.

OP, sorry I have no additional advice for you other than what's already been said.

@ PK: On survival the human brain has specifically adapted so that we're social beings, which means that it's a community of people that likely enabled survival. Today, society is more daunting than it was in the past when raising a child was something everyone did together. Regarding the psychology part of being social, I recommend this book:

Social, Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect

Do you want your BM there or not? Honestly, that's what it boils down to. If you do, make an exception because this truly is a good exception. She has a good reason, FFS.

@PK....the statement within OP's original post "Her baby (~2 months) isn't taking to a bottle and has to be fed every ~2 hours" should have been a tip off."

A tip-off to what? It seems like a logical conclusion that if you only offer the baby a bottle, she'd eventually take it.

I agree with 99% of these comments. You can 1) continue trying to find a compromise, and, if you lose the friendship, well, at least you tried; 2) put your foot down and potentially ruin a friendship; or 3) allow the baby to be there and save your friendship.

I'm not having a kid free wedding (we don't know a lot of kids), but I think that this might be an exception that guests understand. What is the level of formality of the event? If it's a black tie affair with a full on catholic wedding, I can definitely see why kids are not allowed.

@pk when I was a newborn I was a freaking asshole. I wouldn't breastfeed or take a bottle. My mom said she spent hours feeding me by a damn baby spoon because that's all I would take. My aunts and moms friends would come over and try to force me to take a bottle. Even if I was screaming crying I wouldn't take it. It never worked until I was about 4-5 months old. No on idea why. Parents do what they will to survive. And to force a mom to be away from a child that is dependent on her is crappy.

On that note my mom tells me she hopes I'm blessed with a child like me so I know how big of a pain in the ass I was. Thanks mom!