Bridesmaid Drama: Demanding to bring baby to wedding or not come at all!

@Christine, that's not true. In the main post she said she suggested the friend just come to the ceremony and then leave after.

Heather, I wanted to have a no-kids wedding as well. FH thought it was silly--in his opinion, weddings were about family, and kids are part of that. To be fair, there aren't many kids in our social circle (Maybe 5). What really changed my mind was when FH's best friend's wife just recently got pregnant. Her baby will be about 2 months old by the time of the wedding. It really put things in perspective because I thought about how she would feel--how scary it must be to be a new parent, and how important it would be to me to be near my child and able to attend to its needs. A child that age just can't go to the babysitter's.

And once I was ok with that, I figured "why not" to the few other children--as long as their parents are responsible adults, I really don't see how children change the ceremony all that much. Parents should be attentive and take screaming/misbehaving children out and deal with them privately. I trust my family and friends to do that. And if they do cry during the ceremony? So what. Life happens. Birds sing, crickets chirp, babies cry. It's part of life--the world will not stop spinning just so your ceremony can take place in total silence.

Don't lose your friend over this. Try to dig into your empathy reserves.

You said you are trying to keep an open mind but you also said "Fiance put his foot down about kids at the wedding and at the end of the day I'm marrying HIM, not my bridesmaid! It's not just about offending his family either, I really don't want babies there. They are unpredictable and we do not have a microphone/sound system at the ceremony."

That's not an open mind. And no mother in their right mind would choose standing in a wedding over feeding their newborn baby. And no guest at a child-free wedding would side-eye a baby that young needing to stay with its mother.

You and your FH need to be decent human beings and let her bring her baby or accept that she won't be able to attend.

If you really want her there bad enough, ask her if she would be comfortable with someone watching the child offsite during the ceremony, but still close enough to be accessable. Obviously she can't breastfeed during the ceremony. But she could be around her baby leading up to the ceremony and then go home afterwards or after pictures, if you aren't willing to have the baby at the reception. If your BM isn't willing for someone to watch the baby for less than 2 hours while she stands up there and possibly take pictures then she can't be a BM.

I asked her if we can come up with a compromise. I asked if her hubby could play sitter and have the baby in a separate room during the ceremony, but she feels like they're being banished then, and I get that. The baby has already been invited to all of the pre-ceremony events (getting ready, pictures, etc.). We just had to be firm about the ceremony. I'm here with an open-mind for opinions, I don't think the name-calling is appropriate.

Let her know that you made the no kid thing clear and that you are sorry that she won't be there.

@FutureMrsPej - I apologize if I was unclear previously. The comment had nothing to do with her not wanting children at the wedding. That is perfectly fine and understandable. It is the thought that her friend, who is close enough to be in her bridal party, is going through a really hard time and OP is continuing to draw a hard line. The comment was in regards to the selfishness of the OP. Of course, that was all before the "I thought people were supposed to try to accommodate the bride on her big day, especially those that accepted the responsibility of being a bridesmaid?" Which I think speaks for itself.

ETA - OP provided additional details after the post. Now I understand that she has already tried to accomodate the BM.

When my SIL was threatening to not come to the wedding because she couldn't bring her 2 month old I suggested she get a hotel room nearby where she could slip off to feed her (even though she's not even breast feeding). ETA: By this I mean I suggested she get a hotel room and put up a babysitter. I even offered to pay for the room and babysitter.

No kids is no kids. Either compromise or be OK with her not coming.

@Christine - bahahaha that's good.

Seriously OP, you're being an asshat. You don't have to let her bring the baby, but then you'll be short 1 bridesmaid.

@PK not all babies have difficulties with bottles - some babies won't breastfeed and are only bottle-fed, others will do both (so mom can pump and bottle her milk, giving her more flexibility in terms of timing etc- if this was an option, I think the BM would probably do that). It sounds like this particular baby only breastfeeds and won't bottle feed.

I dunno I still think this is a tough one. I would try to work with her as some of the previous posters have suggested - find somewhere for her SO to be with the baby that is nearby etc. But it is your call.

@PK instincts kick in, that's how we survived that. Babies are hard, but they aren't impossible. As for the "no sleep" thing, a lot of babies go more than 2 hours between feedings in their sleep. And even if they don't, it's not that hard to feed babies during the night. You pull the baby to your boob and continue sleeping.

On the actual subject, I would think that a last-minute allowance of a baby would be less about "But i don't want kids here and I said so!" and more about "But I just told the other 175 guests that they couldn't bring their kids, and if you have yours, they're going to be pissed."

@Heather - if you really offered her all of those things (including having hubby watch baby in a separate room during ceremony) and she still said no, then she's now being the ridiculous one. This just crossed from "entitled bride" to "the world stops for my baby." Once you have a baby, you need to embrace that some options will be closed to you and that at *many* events you'll be "banished." She'll learn that soon enough. Sadly, likely not in two weeks.

I am having a strictly no kids wedding, but a breastfeeding baby I would absolutely make an exception for.

Why can't the hubby just take the baby out *if* it wakes up and cries during the ceremony. There is no reason to have him "play sitter" (which is a ridiculous way to describe the baby's father) if the baby is sleeping the whole time. There is no reason to make him sit in a hotel room. Of course they would feel banished.

PK, all babies that age do is eat and sleep. They have tiny stomachs and are growing, so they need to eat often. Whether you accept it or not it is a fact.

Yes every 2 hours is accurate. I do not personally have children but have enough second hand experience with family and friends to know this is true. @PK As for sleep, that is why so many new parents are sleep deprived... although some get lucky and even though the baby should be fed every two hours, some babies will sleep through it.

Maybe thousands of years ago humans fed their babies every 4 hours instead of every 2, I mean the child is not literally going to die the moment it is not fed every two hours, but they probably had really unhappy babies... and as a society we have grown and we know better now. We know that children at such a young age need to be nourished often.

@OP, I understand not wanting to make exceptions but this is a situation your BM really can't control. So either you accept that she won't be there or you allow her to bring the baby.

If both sides won't compromise, I guess the only option is that you might not have a BM on your big day.

I think having the baby and husband in a separate area is the perfect compromise. What else would she expect, holding the baby during the ceremony? Leaving her place to breastfeed if the baby starts crying?

Just try to be calm and actually talk to her bc you need to work this out with her, not us.

The simple truth is that babies change people's lives. When a child is young and fragile it needs its parents to take care of it. That's all there is to it.

FH's best friend's wife having a child has potentially altered a lot of his pre-wedding arrangements(such as bach party), but it doesn't matter. If she's your friend and you care for her, you should care about her child's well being, as well. I think most people are reacting to the implied selfishness--that the life of a baby is less important than this one event being just-so. You're not an asshat--just realize that this day is celebrating your union with your husband, but the rules of the world and reason do not bend to you just because you're getting hitched.