Bridesmaid backed out 1 month before wedding....

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You said "And you're right, it is a very clear thought in my head. " in regards to gifts. I said if that was at the forefront of your thinking (you did mention it in the original post and then said it was a VERY clear thought in your head), then it was the wrong reason to have a wedding. Again, I didn't suggest anything that you didn't say yourself (gifts are a VERY CLEAR THOUGHT in your head). You also told me that if I said I wasn't thinking of gifts when I planned my wedding, I was a liar. I had no guests and no gifts and it was not even a faint thought in my mind, let alone a "very clear" one. My entire wedding revolved around planning a celebration that would be meaningful to us. Gifts weren't even in the equation, yet I'm lying when I say that, according to you. So you are the one "strongly inferring" things here.

Also, having a registry doesn't mean gifts are at the forefront of your wedding planning. We have a registry because we know there are people who will want to get us gifts. But our wedding is about a celebration of our love and commitment with all our close family and friends. We don't expect gifts from everyone and we don't even care if we get any gifts at all. We're just looking forward to celebrating with everyone.

...I can't believe this even needs to be said.

I haven't sat down with her, because all she did was send me a text telling me she can't be in the wedding anymore. This entire post was never meant to be a sympathy post for her or her financial issues. It was a venting post for ME to express my feelings. So yes, that is all I'm going to do on this post is "whine and complain" about how this situation is horrible for ME. I offered to pay for the tux and if you look back on various posts, I stated I know I'm being selfish but I can't help how I feel about it. You don't think she is in the wrong at all clearly, nor are you taking into consideration anything I've said. So there is really no point in debating here.

View Quoted Comment When things have already fully been paid for, it is very much an issue, actually. And yes, everything besides the DJ has been FULLY PAID FOR. My seating chart is almost done, I've gotten my rsvps back so there's no reason to wait.

View Quoted Comment No one even said that having a registry meant gifts are at the forefront of the wedding planning, so you're right...that did not even need to be said. I was saying gifts are on brides minds if they were even creating a registry I response to another post.

View Quoted Comment Huh. I feel like if you explained to her that you didn't ask originally because you were considering the fact that she had financial burdens, she should have taken that to heart. Maybe she thought she could scrape by, then realized she would not be able to? I know I decided to throw a surprise party for my sister once, then said, "oh shoot, I thought I could do it," once. And you did say that the only things that they have to buy in total are the dress and tux (approximately $200 or less), nothing more? It sounds like there might be more to their financial situation than they are letting on? To be honest, I would just let it go and replace her with close family members that you already know are confirmed guests. It could even be a junior bridesmaid and junior groomsman. As for the minimum on the rehearsal dinner, you could ask them to work with you. In my experience, venues know how to accommodate for unexpected situations like this. That would be my first thought. Don't let something so small stress you out. 😊 And thank you. I feel so blessed to have so many people around me with such talents and the kindness to share them with us.

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Maybe she was embarrassed that she couldn't pull it off and didn't want to be judged for not having the money. Replacing a bridal party member one month before the wedding is a bad idea. She didn't want her in the first place, and now finding ANOTHER person who she didn't ask in the first place? Just let the party stand as it is.

View Quoted Comment Or, you could tell a couple people in the rehearsal dinner to go ahead and bring one guest.

View Quoted Comment When you post on a public forum, you do so with the understanding that people can comment however they want. Your hope may have been to get sympathy, but the reality is that many members of this public forum do not sympathize with you. I'm sorry you didn't get the responses you wanted, but I think you should consider what everyone has said, good and bad, and just double check with yourself that you are handling the situation in the way that a good friend would.

I said I asked her before officially asking if she wanted to be in the wedding just to make certain she knew of the costs. She told me yes, so I asked her. She was the one that was pouty because I didn't originally ask her, and then she backs out last minute! And yes all of those things I am upset about, because now I potentially lost money on things that are already paid for! And of course I'm upset about forking out tux rental money, but I still offered to do it for her and her bf. How is that not being a friend? I wouldn't have even bothered if I didn't care.

Does this not go both ways? Telling me via text "hey sorry we can't be in the wedding anymore" is not okay. We live less than 10 minutes from each other and it was pretty hurtful! And her bf did not even bother telling my fiance at all he wasn't being a groomsmen anymore! You think that is being a good friend? I am sympathetic towards them but that doesn't mean they went about this in a decent manner. Even a phone call would have been better than a mere text message.

View Quoted Comment Yes, I've actually already allowed them to bring a guest. Just very unfortunate. Hopefully some grandparents will come, but it is Thursday night and I'm just not sure they'll want to take the drive.

View Quoted Comment No, my hope was to hear other stories from brides this has happened to and how they have handled it. Not to be berated, called selfish and a bad friend for explaining my dilemma and concerns.

OP, after reading through this thread, here goes: Welcome to the world of paying for something and then you end up losing the funds. It is hard to not get a free tux rental but so what? Is your friendship not worth $180?
Look at it this way: This is excellent practice for when and if you have kids and your toddler likes the box better than the gift, lol.
This is why I had two male attendants!!

View Quoted Comment LOL you are right. Not everything will work in my favor, losing money really grinds my gears obviously. I did offer to pay their tux rental, still declined. Oh well!

View Quoted Comment Yikes. Well, I'm praying for you. Hopefully everything will go smoothly on Thursday. At least you made some steps towards fixing the situation already. I know that my Granny and her husband are coming already as Grandparents of the Bride, meaning that they are included in the wedding party. For the wedding party, my family does parents of the couple, grandparents of the couple, bridesmaids and MOH, groomsmen and Best Man, flower girl(s), and ring bearer(s). As you can see, my family does things big, but, if you ARE able to pull off including a grandparent couple in the wedding party, that really could help, at least a bit.

View Quoted Comment True, but she mentioned that she wanted to do the discount on the groom's tux, which is actually a deal that I've seen in my email. If you rent 5 or more groomsmen's tuxedos, the groom's is free. It might be a different deal, but that's the one I saw. I still think it would be a good idea to do that by including other family members in the party (godparents or grandparents, which is not uncommon to have grandparents/godparents of the bride/groom included in the party anyway), or even just ask someone else to join in on the deal. The company doesn't have to know that the fifth person isn't actually a groomsman. 😉👍

You say you want examples of people who have dealt with this before. This happened in my first wedding. The best man pulled out a month before because he couldn't get time off work to travel. I was a bit annoyed (mostly because he has a corporate job and could have put in for the day off a long time earlier, but chose not to), but, you know what? I moved on. It was fine. He remained a friend. We had actually paid for his outfit, and we just weren't that worried about it.

For the record, I never told you or anyone to shut up.

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Deep breath. Clearly there's more to it than $ at this point esp if you offered to help with the suit rental. When you don't share the whole story you can't really blame people for responding solely to what pieces you shared.

Your wedding will still be beautiful. Let it go. Don't let this ruin the process. Yes you "wasted money" on her proposal gift but she now also wasted money on a dress to be in your wedding. No one forced you to be extra and buy proposal gifts.

Also it's pretty petty to complain that you won't be getting a gift from them. Really that should not even be a thing you bring up.

Seems strange if they're having money issues to waste the dress she already bought, unless she thinks she can sell it, or would they have to travel for the wedding and that's the major expense? If not, maybe ask her a little more about the specifics, and try and work with her - if your FH was going to get a free rental and would now have to pay, see if you can split the cost of the tux with him (on the DL of course, don't tell anyone else in the WP).

As for your bridesmaid proposal gift, it sucks but you wouldn't be the first to have done this and have a girl back out - you're not really losing anything so just don't dwell on that.

And for the rehearsal dinner, is there anyone else you can include like a friend coming from way out of town you can invite? Or else see if the venue can make an exception to the minimum (it's only 2 people), or if not just order 2 extra meals and have them wrapped up - if you're not leaving for your honeymoon right away, then you won't have to cook the day after the wedding, or you could freeze them and you won't have to cook the night you get back! I wouldn't try changing plans now based on these 2 people.