51/2 year relationship...no engagement yet

I agree with MOH however-I understand that's a really hard thing for you to do. You need to talk to him. Looks like ultimatums have worked for others...I personally would never give an ultimatum to your partner, but you guys do need to have an honest conversation of what he wants. It sounds like he knows what you want and he's just disagreeing. Maybe he doesn't like the idea of marriage? It does happen.

I don't know if I would say an ultimatum is the best way to you. but you need to figure out how long you will give him. figure it out and stick to it. I knew in my head that I would give FH 3 years to make a move (I am almost 32). if I want to have a kid by 35 then that was the longest I could wait to get engaged. I don't know if I ever told him that explicitly, but I never hid my desire for marriage or kids. I always tried to make sure to wait until he brought it up (not to be the nagging girlfriend begging for a ring, etc) but to make sure he knew where I was coming from. you need to figure out how long you will wait and when you get to that point, you need to stick to your guns. best of luck!

Well an ultimatum only works if she's actually willing to go through with it.

In the been there, done that file, you need to decide what you want. If those things are important to you, you need to give yourself a timeline - you can tell him, sure, but you need make good on being right with yourself.

If he's dragging his heels, he may have a good reason - but that good reason may be because he doesn't want to marry *you*. Its harsh, it sucks, and if that is the case you will be all kinds of angry. But better to know at 25 than wait until 30. Or later.

Do not waste your time and your life on someone who considers you an option.

Good luck.

My FI and I started dating at 19. I thought I would be married by 25. We didn't get engaged until I was 28 and I won't be married until 29. You just need to be patient. Harassing him doesn't work. Just let him do his thing on his own time. You don't want to guilt him in to proposing just cause he knows that is what you want.

Move out. It will make both of you either realize you can't live without each other or that you've spent five years waiting for something you don't really want.

I hear this ALL THE TIME because I write so many stories about couples. His life is too easy with you; he's got everything he wants and you have nothing you want. He sounds way too immature to be considering marriage, and quite obviously, his desires trump yours. That's a bad basis for a marriage.

But in the midst of this, think long and hard about something; is this the guy you really see building your life with? Hard as it is to face, sometimes we're with people who we shouldn't be with, and that very fact makes it impossible to meet the people she SHOULD be with.

I am getting married this year and we have been engaged one year to the day it happens...together for 11 by then..it worked how it was and will work when it changes so there technically was no rush. Side note though: I knew he has had the ring for 2 years and always wondered what he was waiting on but didnt ask to risk being busted for knowing about said ring...turns out he was waiting to get married on the date he chose...12/13/14..men can be weird.

I really don't think this is what you should worry about 5 years isn't too long to be together without a proposal. Focus on moving your relationship forward by getting a place of your own together. If you are 25 going on 26 you should be living in your own place. See where that takes you.

I agree with MarriedOldHag and Celia. My DH and I moved in together when we had been dating for a little over a year and I was nervous because I didn't want to end up 'playing house'.

FH and I have known each other for 10 years, and we have been dating for 9 - we got engaged a little before the 8.5 years mark. I knew this was the man I wanted to marry around the 3 or 4 year mark, but I knew that he wasn't ready (because we were always very honest with each other about where we stood). He told me that he loved me and he could not envision his life without me, but he wasn't sold on the whole marriage thing (we both grew up in families where our parents had/have HORRIBLE marriages). It took me a long time, several months in fact, for me to realize that if I had the man of my dreams, why would I continue to push him towards something that he doesn't want (and risk him resenting me for it later)? If I had the relationship I wanted then quite frankly, I didn't need a piece of paper to tell me that he loved me.

He ended up proposing after we had lived in our home together for 4 years, and we had never talked about it prior to him doing it. I loved him, and I knew that he was all I needed...I didn't need a ring on my finger to make me feel the same love from him. But I will say having the ring is a lot better...it's so shiny!

I think you need to give him some time. He is telling you in his own way that he is not ready. People spend a lot of time together before they get married. He may not be ready at this time, but that doesn't mean he will never be ready. Besides, you are both together and you should enjoy it with or without a ring.

Instead of dancing around it and sharing comments from co workers, ask him. I told my FH I was ready, understood he wasn't, but wanted him to start thinking about it. Every few months, I asked if he was thinking about it. I finally told him it was painful that he took SO long to decide if he wanted to be with me (not even be ready, I think you can know you want to be with someone and not be ready), and that if it takes him until the end of the year to even decide that he wants to be with me (which was 8 months away), we probably weren't for each other and he should let me go.

5 months later, he proposed. He is not keen on marriage due to his family, but he was willing and ready because all he wanted was me in his life. I also gave him time to be ready, but I still had a bit of a timeline in there. Sorry but if they take years and years to decide on being with you, you deserve to find someone who WANTS to be with you

I also agree with the unpopular opinion. If he wanted to be married, he would have proposed. I don't think it's a good idea to try to convince a man to marry you. Move out, live your life. If he wants you to be his wife, he'll make it happen. But you don't need to wait around for it.

You just have to figure out what YOU want and go from there. He may not be ready for marriage. My FH was 30 when he asked me to marry him. I was/am 27. Yes, we were together just 3 years compared to your 5 1/2, but had he been 26, we would never have gotten engaged. I met him when he was 27 and he was not anywhere near ready for that type of commitment. He wasn't in a the place in his life that he wanted to be at yet. I was ready to get engaged by a year and a half, but at 28, he was still not ready. I had to wait. We also had a plan and my FH stuck to that plan. I'd get married at 28 and have our first kid at 30. However, that was not my original plan. I had plans to be married by 25, but that didn't work out since we had only been together a year at that point. Your plans will change as you get older and either you accept it and stay, or you don't and you move on to find someone that WILL give you what you want and are unwilling to change.

In my opinion do not give him an ultimatime, don't bother to talk to him for the millionth time and don't push him. I did all those things with a guy i dated for 5 years, when he finally broke down and proposed to me i though 'its about damn time', I started planning, booking venues and telling everyone about it, then one night I get a phone call from him saying he isn't ready for marriage, he felt forced into it and he didn't want to marry me. I was crushed humiliated and out alot of money. But in the end it was the best thing for me because now 5 years later I am getting married to the right person who loves and supports me and I couldn't be happier.

Focus on yourself, make a little nest egg so you can get your own apartment, go out with your friends, buy some new outfits. Do not focus on him, if he truly wants to marry you he will, but who knows maybe when you start focusing on yourself you will see that there are other sometimes better options out there.

Well let me say that I know what it feels like to be with someone and want to get proposed to and it not happening right away. I have been with FH for 6 years. We went from having our apartment after 3 or 4 years that was like pulling teeth but I did not pressure him. I had already been living on my own for quite some time. His mom wanted him to get a place with me. We did it for almost a year then bought our first home together still just "dating"

He always would say marriage isn't for him or laugh when people would say when are you two getting married. All our friends were married we were the last ones left of the couples.

A week before our 5 year anniversary he proposed to me and it was the best day ever. It came on his timing and I was so surprised. we are now planning a wedding for 230 people and he is just as excited as I am.

Let nature take its course don't pressure him that would be the worse and remember you can plan your life all you want but things change and so do people.

He has everything he wants with you, so I guess he feels like why marry you now? men can be that way sometimes. I read an article that said that a man knows much sooner than later if he wants to marry you. I can understand waiting until there is more stability also. I think it depends on ur relationship. but it seems that he may be telling you what he wants to hear to keep you around. I wouldnt do an ultimatum per se. I wouldnt want him to up and marry you on fear of losing you and then yall become unhappy later over it and divorce with kids and so on later. But i would let him know I wont stick around forever. You should do for you right now and think about yourself. thats what he is doing so you should to

My dad was with my stepmom for 6 years before he unofficially proposed. Then another 9 years before he actually put a ring on it. Then another 9 years before they got married. 24 years of dating and being engaged before I could legitimately call her my stepmother! (I called her my stepmother from about the time I was a tween; "my dad's girlfriend" didn't encompass her importance in my life and made their relationship sound more trivial to me, even then). My stepmom never gave him an ultimatum, things just kind of worked out for them because they love each other.

My sister was with her boyfriend for 3 years before she packed up and moved from Hawaii to Chicago with him. She really wanted to be married but he was being complacent about it and didn't see what the rush was. She actually did give him an ultimatum and was packing her stuff to move to Florida with our dad when he got a ring and popped the question. I love my sister, but I often wonder if that was the best way for her. They are still together and I think he loves her very much, but they have their issues.

I never gave Lee an ultimatum. We were together for 3 1/2 years when he proposed. We had talked about marriage before for a long time, and he was on board, but it was always "I need to come up with the money for the ring" or "I just can't afford it". One day, I sat him down and said, "I've been helping you raise your oldest kid, who has been in my life for a few years now. I play Mom to him. We need to think about this because if you sincerely don't want to, I need to know so we can talk about it." It wasn't an ultimatum because I didn't know how I would feel if he never wanted to (which he did used to say in the beginning). He actually started shopping for rings right away. When he got it, he still waited about a month to ask me. In all that, his uncle called him and said, "So you and Jenn...Lee man, you know what Beyonce says: if you like it then you better put a ring on it." Ha! His uncle has good timing, he already had the ring.

Some people just need to be married. That's okay. You are one of those people, so am I. You need to find out if he is, because if he isn't, you're on two different paths and need to figure out how to get back on the same one, or how to say goodbye.

Annoyingly bugging someone about getting married is the wackest way ever to get married.

@ Naida - so concise and to the point. A+ for you.

I agree with the unpopular opinion as well, he's way too comfortable right now!