Name Change Identity Crisis :(

But I'm not going to make him do something he doesn't want to do. I told him that I would do whatever he did with his name. If he kept his, I would keep mine. If he hyphenated, I would hyphenate. If he changed to a new name, I would change to the same new name. I thought this was a good agreement. But we recently found out we're expecting and it's really important to him that his children have his name. He has some issues because of his biological father who is a terrible human being and has never been in his life. He just has this thing that he's going to be the dad he never had and really want his kid to have his last name. He doesn't even want us to hyphenate our children's names. I am feeling really conflicted about it and honestly still don't know what to do. I don't want to be the only one in the family with a different last name. I don't want to change mine to his. I wouldn't mind keeping mine and hyphenating our children's names but he doesn't want to do that. Ugh idk.

But why don;t you change your name and make the baby's name his?...

It really is uncommon for men to changer their names.

Okay, I see what you mean about his dad, what about changing it to his mom's birth name?

I LOVE my last name. It is unique and has a cool story. There are seriously less than 20 people with my last name in the country and we all share a recent ancestor. My grandpa had 4 daughters who have all changed their names. (My mom being one of them) I'm the only person who could carry on the name now. He doesn't have any living relatives with his last name, and he doesn't care about family as much as I do. It's not fair. I don't want to make his life more difficult with the teasing he would get if he changed his name and how mad his mom would be. But it's a really big deal to me. WHy would I give up a name I like for one that he doesn't care about?

Honestly, I'm going to be very blunt...but I like you so I'm going to try not to sound mean....

The tradition of the woman and kids having the dads last name isn't going anywhere anytime soon. You don't want to change your name, but by having that stance, you're making everyone else's life that much harder (for reasons you stated yourself, like his job). Having a different last name from everyone is going to be a huge pain in the ass at times, as will having a long hyphenated name, especially when you're kids are in school. What worth more to you...your "identity" or less stress on your husband and future family? I hate having to spell out my last name on the phone. It's exhausting. I can't wait to get rid of it...and it won't make me any less of a "Gavi...." than I was before I changed it.

What if you did two last names (no hyphen) and did the kids the same or gave the kids your last as a middle and his last name? Would he be willing to add your last name to his as an additional last name or middle name? One of you is going to have to compromise, best of luck to you both.

Maybe revisit the idea of changing to something new and just don't tell anyone until it's done so they can't weigh in.

Dude they're just names. lol Your name only has a symbolic tie to your identity if you make it that way. My son has his father's name, I will have another. Does this make me any less his mother? No. If I didn't change my name to not share it with my husband, does that make me any less his wife? No. If your FH doesn't like the tie to his biological father, why not use his name and make it positive rather than hold on to the old feelings?

Jeez louise, if you like your name, keep it. I was also the last in my line with my name (only grandchild), but again it's just a name.

Chelsea - not every woman wants to change her last name to her husband's name. In 2015, it should not be the automatic assumption that a woman changes her name.

OP, I think the best option is for each of you to keep your own names. It's ok for you to have a different last name from the baby. Many families are like that and it doesn't make them less of a family. At the very least take some time to think about. If you change your name, it can be done anytime. It doesn't have to be right after the wedding.

Why not make your last name as your middle name and then his last name as your last name? That way you can still "carry" your last name but you, FH and the baby all would have his last name and not be much of a hassle.

He doesn't have his biological father's name. He has his mother's maiden name. Which is why she's so mad about it. But if she got rid of it when she got married, why would she get mad about other people getting rid of it? I don't like perpetuating the idea and the tradition. The tradition isn't going anywhere anytime soon, but it's never going to change if people don't quit partaking in it. I just don't like being the one to have to yield all the time. I think the tradition is bullshit and I don't want to be a person who does what everyone does just for the sake of going with the flow. I don't want to teach my children, "Stand up for yourself and have your own ideas, unless it may be a little difficult or inconvenient, then do whatever you're supposed to do."

I'm sorry but I don't see how the OP keeping her name creates any stress for her husband and child. Many women keep their names. There is nothing wrong with it and it is their choice.

Then it looks like you have your answer regarding your name.

I don't have a solution, I just don't understand why he wants his name so badly now. And hey if people have a problem with him changing his name because he got married, then they can just deal with it. People have different reasons for doing things, no reason they should judge. I wouldn't be afraid.

Also...in the end, it's just a name *insert quote from Romeo and Juliet "a rose by any other name would be just as sweet"*

Just keep your name and have him keep his. Give baby both without the hyphen.

Emily--it doesn't. It's so commonplace now for mothers to not have the same names as their children due to remarriage that it has no effect on situations where the child has a different name. And I've yet to encounter a situation where it matters that a husband and wife not have the same name either.

I don't have an answer... I stated that I don't want to be the only one in the family with a different name. Not because I"ll be less of a mother or anything like that. Just on the principle that I shouldn't have to be left out because I was born with a uterus. Why should I be the one to have to deal with that? Why does he automatically get what he wants?

I think you should each keep your own name, then give your baby your husbands last name. Why don't you want to do that?

His name isn't more important that mine. Why would his name be the only one to be passed on?

Are you asking for advice or just complaining? lol No one here can get through to him any better than you can. You don't want to change your name? Don't. You don't want to be the "only one left out", then find something new or change it. Yes, it's annoying that the tradition is that the woman has to change everything over, but it is what it is. Focus on solutions, not problems!

I don't understand why you would be ok with changing it to something new, but not ok with changing it to you FH's last name?