When do "cold feet" become something serious?

Even though premarital counseling wouldn't officially start for another two months, I would strongly recommend getting some relationship assistance. Have you read any books, for example the 5 Love Languages? Learning more about how you give and receive and feel love can be very helpful in working to move closer together as a couple. Or is there an older married lady in your church or who has known you for a long time and knows your situation to whom you could turn for advice?

Have you tried making a list of his positive qualities and things about his character you appreciate? From what you list, I would feel major reservations over a guy who was lazy and too much stubbornness would also be a negative for me. Messiness isn't so much a character trait as a personality quirk, so I would rate that as less important overall (unless you are very neat and that would cause friction in your relationship). Have you asked him what is important to him? Long distance can be really rough for remembering the little things about each other you like, but it can also be very helpful in bringing out the major issues that are easily glossed over in person. If he says drive and work ethic are important but there's no evidence of that, I would follow up on that.

One of the first things I would be sure of is that you two have open communication and you feel you can bring up anything to talk about with him. Then I would see what the underlying things are that concern you, and talk about that with him. Pray about it and ask if your concerns are actually unimportant, or if there are things that need to be resolved. In any relationship, you have to decide what is important and what to let go--decide if what you're seeing here is something that's actually a relationship issue or something that ultimately is not that important.

ETA: Lively Bride has some very good advice!

If the idea of postponing is more compelling that the prospect of marrying someone, it's cause for concern.

Don't go through with it just because you've planned it. Go through with it because you love this person and can't imagine living your life without him.

If he's not your favorite person in the world, this is probably more than cold feet.

And just because you mentioned your FH was messy, I would like to share that my H was a clean freak when we were dating. His place was immaculate. He picked up after himself, garbages were emptied, the toilet and sink were both clean, dishes were washed.

NOW, its a different story. I think he might sooner die than change the kitchen garbage. He leaves gross food bits in the bottom of the sink, hair all over the bathroom counter, and tracks dirt all over the house.

Just last night he got a popsicle out of the freezer, stood over the trash while he opened it and then SET THE POPSICLE WRAPPER ON THE COUNTER above the trash can. I mean, what the actual fuck?! But I love him. And this morning after he went to work, I put the popsicle wrapper in the garbage (yes, I let it sit there for 12 hours to see if he would do it).

And a meme for fun...

It sounds more like it's just the distance that is making things tough. It's hard when you don't have him physically there for you to build all of those positive experiences that mean so much more than the negatives, given as that's so much of what the human relationship is about.

Regardless of what you call him-- a boyfriend, a husband, a fiance... They are all a little different in meaning, but the main thing is that you still love him, unconditionally.

I can understand that postponing may sound like an idea worth considering, but what is your reaction when you think about how you'd feel without him in your life at all?

Well, at this point I'm used to not being around him anymore...and when I think about him not being in my life, I honestly see my future opening up again. I see possibilities that wouldn't exist if I married him. Of course, I'd miss him and talking to him because we've been together for so long. But I'm a very independent person and always have been. I know I would be ok without him, but I'm not someone who thinks I should really need someone else to begin with...I feel like it should be more of a wonderful addition than a completion, if that makes sense.

I was raised in a strict Christian religion so I kind of see what is going on here, completely without judgment. I don't want you to think I am trying to judge or anything to that nature, but I think you need it straight and to the point. In religions where sex before marriage is not allowed, a lot of young folks get married just simply to live comfortably without feeling guilty for either wanting or having sex out of wedlock. My brother and two of my older sisters did it! They are all three divorced! I am not saying that if you marry the first person you have sex with, it cant work; however, you shouldn't get married to someone for religious purposes! You should marry this person because you cant imagine living life without him! You should marry him because he is your best friend and you know that whatever obstacles you come across, your love will get stronger and stronger. Religion doesn't teach this as much as it teaches staying pure and marrying the one that you saved yourself for. I am not saying this is your case, but this is my experience growing up. Please do not marry this guy if you are only marrying him because you feel obligated! I am not telling you what to do just trying to put it more in perspective for you.

Courtnee, I did mean your mom; I believe you mentioned that she told you some of the issues wouldn't get better after marriage.

If he's not a "wonderful addition" to your life...yikes. Really, truly think about this.

Yes-- what LB said-- is he a "wonderful addition" to your life? If not, I think you have your answer.

I've been in a few long-term relationships, and every time I thought about marriage with the others, it was sort of a take it or leave it-- If they had asked, I probably would have said yes just because I didn't necessarily want to break up with them, and that's what you do, but its not like I really felt like I NEEDED to marry them/stay with them. With my husband, it was totally clear-- no doubt-- that he was the person I was supposed to marry and my future would be the happiest possible with him in it. There was absolutely no question. Maybe not everyone has that much clarity about it, but I also don't think it should be so hard to figure out. . .

LivelyBride, you're right! I forgot I mentioned that. But yes, and I don't want to seem self-centered here, sometimes it truly feels like I'm a wonderful addition to his life. He wants me more than anything, but for me, I'm always just...not 100% sure about him and what he actually brings to my life. If you asked me what he adds to my life, it would be very hard for me to answer. But again, that could be the distance talking. I mean, what CAN someone add to your life when they're across the country?

OP, I've been with my FH for 5 years, 4 of which we live together and we have a 2 year old son. I still feel the same way about him as I did when I first met him.

We have had ups and downs through our relationship and having a child strains your relationship like nothing else will, but at the end of the day I cannot imagine not coming home to him.

I would recommend individual therapy, it can help you pinpoint why you might be feeling all these things and give you ways of coping.

Also, the fact that this is your first serious relationship is a little disconcerting. Could you just be wondering if the grass is greener? For me, it was important to be in a relationship with someone who had been in a serious relationship before, and that was the same for FH. We had both been through the ringer and lived on our own for quite a while before getting together. Maybe you need to figure out who you are before you add someone else to the dynamic.

I think that you should also think about how he must be feeling - maybe some of the way you're feeling about him is because you're apart, and he's acting different because of it. If you're marrying this man, you'll have to be able to talk about your feelings. I would find out if the counseling can be moved up even though it typically would start 2 months out. FH and I are doing counseling with a couple from our Church, and it has helped tremendously!

It's just not as feasible to move up the premarital counseling any earlier than probably late May, because he will be in school (in Wisconsin) until then. He is in seminary to be an Anglican (Episcopalian) priest. So that's something I haven't mentioned...it's not just marrying him, it's choosing a lifestyle. I will eventually be a priest's wife if I marry him.

Based on everything that you've said I think that it is in your best interest to call off the wedding. If you don't see your FH as a bright spot of your life and if you're imagining bigger possibilities without him, then that's a serious red flag. Don't jump into marriage because you feel like it's the right thing to do...if you're with the wrong person don't marry them.

In that case, you definitely shouldn't marry him unless you're 100% sure.

The two of you will be an example to his congregation. What if 2, 4, 6 years down the road, you get a divorce? How will you feel? Will a divorce impact his career?

I understand, somewhat. FH often leaves with little notice for 2-3 weeks at a time. It happens often enough where at times it is truly a long distance relationship. That's usually when we fight the most. That's when I nit pick his "flaws" and get real bitchy. Happens without fail everytime. I guess it's more being upset at his absence and taking it out on him, which I admit is my own flaw. I think at times it goes hand in hand with distance, so you're not alone.

If you're looking for honest input, I can give it. The more I hear about this relationship the more it sounds like my relationship with my ex. We dated for a while in college and while we had a number of things (including our faith) in common, after a year or so we realized that our personalities and goals in life really were different. If you don't look forward to the idea of being a priest's wife, that's a big issue. And being long distance certainly doesn't mean he shouldn't affect your life--I did almost a year of long distance with H and while it was definitely different and I way prefer living together, we still were able to encourage each other and share excitement and have fun.

Marriage shouldn't be because you think you could stick it out and be together, but because spending life with him is what you want most in life. The fact that you already see ways this relationship will "limit" you is a strong red flag for future discontent. Please consider very carefully what you actually want most. If there is anything you want more than spending your life with him and whatever that entails or restricts for whatever reason, that is very, very serious.

ETA: Sarahdell, that meme!! hahaha

My FH and I are going to do premarital counseling too. It may be with a pastor back home and he suggested to do Skype. So we don't have to drive back home and talk to him. When you meet with your pastor Monday, maybe ask him if he could do that. Then you and your FH can both do it before 2 months of your wedding. I hope everything works out for you!

Maybe you can go to a counselor on your own. You may hold back these feelings that you're talking about so you don't hurt his feelings when he is right in front of you.

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder". . . .yes, you can feel a disconnect from someone when you're not able to communicate in all ways face-to-face, but you should at least MISS him, and it doesn't sound like you do

This isn't an issue that can be resolved with pre-marital counseling-- it doesn't sound like its about you both as a couple, but something that is about YOU!. You may want to consider seeing a counselor or therapist YOURSELF to help you figure out what it actually is you want.