When do "cold feet" become something serious?

I don't think this is something someone else can help you with. You need to talk with FH. You also need to go with what you think is right, don't let anyone else influence you.

How did you feel about him when you weren't long distance? What has changed?

Um, maybe live with him first before taking the plunge? I've lived with my fiance for over more 4 years, it'll be 5 1/2 by the time we marry. I know exactly what I'm getting into and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him, even though there are some little things that annoy me. I can live with it.

A year ago I was much happier with our relationship...obviously living in the same town makes a huge difference, though. But I can say with confidence we are in a bit of a rut, at least that's how I feel. I just don't know if there's more to it than that- like me just not feeling ready for marriage itself.

I can't speak for anyone else (obviously), but any doubts and nerves I had were almost entirely about the wedding day and family drama, not about marrying DH. We definitely fought more because of wedding stress, but calmed down once we realized that and spent some time just chilling out together. And a lot of that was stress from outside our relationship--there was a lot of life stuff going on.

I do remember having a few random moments of wondering if I can live the rest of my life with someone who consistently fails to put his laundry in the basket, but nothing that was seriously causing me to doubt my commitment to him.

Thank you so much for your comments. There are some things about his personality that have just been getting to me. We have never been long distance before now, so maybe that's what it took for me to really see him for all of who he is? I'm just all over the place recently.

Have you maybe thought about attending some premarital counseling? It might be a good place to figure some of these feelings out. I can't speak from experience and obviously you need to figure out what's best for you, I've just heard it helps some people. Just something to consider.

ETA: Also long distance is so hard maybe try to think about what it's like when you're actually together. One of my BMs had been dating the same guy all through high school but he was a year older so when he went off to college they fought CONSTANTLY I kept waiting for them to end it but they never did. A year later when she was back in the same town with him they stopped bickering all the time and now they're getting engaged so it could definitely be the long distance thing. Our brains are wired to remember unpleasant things more vividly than pleasant ones so him not being there to remind you of his good qualities might be magnifying the bad.

Good luck. You definitely have some thinking to do. I suggest having a serious talk with FH and trying to figure out your feelings. You'll get there

We do have plans to see a Christian premarital counselor, and we are both Christians, which is why we've decided against living together before marriage. But the premarital counseling won't happen until about 2 months before our wedding, when it will be so much harder to stop things if that's what needs to be done. I definitely feel the need to get this sorted out before 2 months out.

I second premarital counseling. If the things that are getting to you are just annoying habits, then I'd guess it's just the stress of the wedding and being long distance. Everyone has annoying habits. If the way he treats you is the problem, I'd say that's more serious. How would you feel if you broke up? Does that thought relieve you?

FH and I were long distance for about 8 months when I went off to college. He definitely got on my nerves more when we were long distance, and now that I'm home and we're together at least every night he never really drives me crazy anymore. So like some ladies said, it might just be the distance...

Stephanie, thanks for your comment. We do plan on counseling, although it will be pretty close to our wedding date. We have basically spent our young adult lives together, so it's very hard to imagine how I'd feel if we broke up. But at this point, I'm accustomed to being away from him because of the long distance. I saw him in person last week and was oddly indifferent toward him..didn't naturally feel the desire to kiss him, etc. It was really new and worrisome to me. But after 4 years and long distance, maybe it's because we're missing something?

Sorry I saw the counseling bit after I posted. It's definitely a tough situation, and I agree that you shouldn't wait until 2 months before to try to work it out. I don't have any good advice for you. It's hard without knowing all the dynamics, but hugs to you. I know this must be really difficult.

I really appreciate it. He's a good and understanding guy- we will figure it out, eventually. Just wanted to hear thoughts from other to-be brides.

Long distance can really mess up your emotional connection and chemistry. We did long-distance 3 times, and it was tough each time. At one point when he came to visit after not seeing each other for 2 months, I basically told him I wasn't sure if I loved him or not. It was really alienating for me, and it scared him too. It took me a week or two to fully get over it. As far as advice, DH told me at the time and later that he would rather not have known until I worked it out in my own head, because he was really scared he would lose me and it turned out not to be anything.

ETA: This was before we were officially engaged, but after we had talked about marriage and wanting to be together forever.

Knowing that you were "indifferent" toward him when you met in person is alarming to me. I think you should hold off on the wedding until you know for sure that you want to marry this man. Figuring out you don't want to be married to him AFTER the wedding will put yourself and him in an awful situation. Don't do that to yourselves. Good luck! *Hugs*

We will work it out together, eventually. Just thought some bride-to-be input might be helpful. Thank you all so much!

While I completely agree this is something that only you and him can decide I will say that before my first marriage my mom gave me the best "pep" talk that I guess I should have listened to. She looked at me square in the eye and took my hands and said "I love you and if you make it halfway down that aisle and decide to run I will run with you". You need to do what is right by you regardless of when it happens.

Kahlcara, that situation is what I'm afraid of. I definitely don't feel satisfied with how things are when we're apart, feeling very disconnected....so maybe that really is reflected in person. Thanks for your input.

Long distance can be really tough on any relationship... it can have this ability to make you feel very disconnected from your SO, make you doubt the connection you had before, and can also make you question what your needs/wants are. I went through a period when H and I were long distance for a while where I started wondering if I really NEEDED him in my life because I just got very comfortable with being alone. As soon as we were back to normal and near each other I felt like the distance really made me paranoid and overthink things way too much. I don't think what you're feeling is so strange. Of course we've been together for what feels like forever now and half of what he does drives me insane haha. As for annoying or bad habits... my mom told me something really eye-opening once that stuck with me: "any sort of bad habit or annoying tick that your FH has now will only get worse in the future - is that something you can live with forever?" I realized that I can live with my H leaving socks all over the house. Good luck!