When do "cold feet" become something serious?

As someone who's been married for more than three decades, I can tell you that your spouse may make small changes over the years, but basically, he is who he is. Marriage is compromise --- that's just the truth. You have to know that whatever is in front of you now will likely be in front of you in 15 or 20 years. And, just to be fair, it works the other way around (whatever you're doing today that might not appeal to him is something you'll probably be doing for a long time). We all have our limits as to what we can tolerate. This is such an intensely personal question that only you can answer it.

Wow, so much great advice here. Thank you, everyone. Mrs. Crowell, my mom has said the same thing to me: everything he does now will be worse/multiplied in marriage. It's definitely an eye opener! I guess it is really all about deciding what you can live with.

FH is not my first long term relationship. I was with my ex for 4 years and had serious doubts the whole time. With FH I have never seriously wondered if he was really the one for me. However I am just sharing my experience and I am not in your shoes! But you've received some great advice here and don't feel pressured into a marriage if you're not ready

Hfstella, I can relate to that, as this is the first and only serious relationship I've been in. He has been my first everything, literally!

Courtnee, my FH and I are doing long distance right now too, he is away for two weeks and back for one. I get so used to being in my own routine that when he comes home, I am not used to him being there. So what your feeling is normal. Usually after a day or two, I am not annoyed about my routine being off kilter, and am glad that he is home.

Also, everything we say in text or over the phone, I take to heart instead of if we were seeing each other each day. Therefor, something silly that would be said that might not bug me might bother me in long distance because I get so little of him when he is away.

Sometimes I also think, gee I don't like how he does ____, for example, he always puts the dishes in the sink, never bothers to check the dishwasher. And it drives me nuts. And then I remember that this is1/**** things about him, that nobody is perfect, and on all the major issues I love him and appreciate him.

Definitely asses your situation on your own, but think of the positives too. Perhaps if long distance isn't working, it's time to admit that? Maybe change the situation if you can.

Ps, if you are religious, go in for a confession? Get some advice? Even though your pre marital counselling isn't supposed to start until 2 months before the wedding, I'm sure they would help you out now if it helped the couple make a decision.

Best of luck my dear

Is it possible that when you are with him, the physical attraction makes you overlook the things you don't like about him? When he's far away, maybe you can be more objective.

You have to like the person he is as well as love him. Because some days you won't like him and it will be a good thing that you love him. Some days you will hate him, but if you like him, the love will return.

We've been married 27 years. DH takes out the trash. Sometimes I have to remind myself to focus on that -- instead of the fact he didn't put a new liner in the trash can!

If you don't mind, I thought I would ask some questions that may jog something in your mind and give you answers. Why are you marrying him? What do you love about him? Why did you say yes when he proposed? What made you fall in love with him to begin with?

To answer Nancy T, I'm not sure that applies currently, since for some reason, when I recently saw him, the physical attraction wasn't there for me- there could be so many reasons why. But for the most part of our relationship, we have had a lot of physical chemistry. There had never been a question about that until recently. And I have thought about your question exactly many times over the years...do I LIKE him? If we weren't in a relationship, would I want to hang out with him? Would I want to be his friend? I can't confidently say I'd enjoy being around him. But our physical attraction has always been undeniable.

I don't know enough about your relationship to give you advice, but based on what I've read, it sounds more like pre-wedding jitters than actual doubt. Now, if you are losing sleep over it or are seriously considering postponing the wedding, then you need to talk with him about your feelings asap. Do NOT enter into a marriage that you are not 100% committed to wholeheartedly. Best of luck.

Promike, this is another thing I've thought about over the years and, I think, is related to what Nancy asked me. When I first started dating him, I had never been in a relationship, I had never even kissed anyone, and I was SO ready for a relationship. He had been interested in me for years (we went to high school together), and I finally decided I was ready to take a chance with him in college...and that was just kind of it.

I was attracted to his persistence and confidence to begin with. After that, we were just so attracted to each other, and like I said, it was my first everything, so I was all in. We have fun together because we're so comfortable around each other. But when it comes to what I like about his personality, I like that he's intelligent, he goes after what he wants, and he loves God. And he has always loved me so much more than I deserve. I have to be honest in saying that's something I've always loved about him- how much he loves me.

Goodness, I feel like a patient in therapy! You guys are so kind to spend your time here in helping me figure this out a little. I can't thank you all enough.

Maybe you could ask to move up your Christian premarital counseling. They ask questions that make you really think as well.

You need to discuss this with a therapist or trusted friend who knows you, and eventually HIM.

I had a broken engagement many years ago and it was very painful...but much less painful than a divorce would have been. I, too, had serious issues with who my first fiance was, as a person. I didn't have that experience with my husband.

You're mentioning that he's lazy, messy and stubborn. Those are issues that will not go away with marriage and also...not amazing qualities to live with for the rest of your life. Can you deal with it? Because it sounds like you can't. You also mentioned you can't confidently say you'd enjoy being around him and now you're questioning your attraction, which you've always had. This might be jitters but they might also be REALLY BIG RED FLAGS.

With my husband, I never once had any reservations about marrying him. Not once. He was the same way. We couldn't wait until we were done with the wedding and would be married. There was (and still is) nothing I question about him as a person. He's my favorite person in the whole world. I'm his.

Sometimes it's better to wait until you find someone who has the qualities you want (would he be better suited for you if he were neat? ambitious? flexible?) than to compromise.

If you aren't over the moon with happiness when you're engaged...when are you going to be?

Be brutally honest with yourself. You'll figure it out. It could be jitters. Or it could be something else. Good luck.

The night I met FH, I liked his sense of humor and thought to myself, "He'd be a good guy to have as a friend." People who knew him told me what a nice guy he is. In fact, they were rather protective of him -- afraid I'd break his heart. It impressed me that his friends thought so highly of him. After a few dates, I realized I was interested in him as more than a friend and, fortunately, he felt the same way.

If you're not sure you LIKE him, if your friends and relatives don't like him, if he doesn't have friends who worry about him -- think twice about marrying him.

Talk to a counselor now, don't wait until 2 months before the wedding, don't wait until he is able to join you. Do it now.

Thank you so much, LivelyBride. I ask myself if maybe I'm not "over the moon" anymore because we have already been together for four years. Our honeymoon phase is over, while I feel like a lot of couples get married while they're still in that honeymoon phase. I could be way off base there, though, but that has nothing to do with liking him as a person. I can confidently say though that he knows me better than anyone in the world, and vice versa, but to say that he's my favorite person in the world...it's not so easy. My favorite people in the world are probably my best friend and my father.

Should the idea of postponing fill with me relief? Because it does.

This concerns me.

I had little bits of cold feet and I am also a doubtful person by nature. I am ALWAYS second guessing my choices.

That being said, never once did I think I should postpone.

Just a little back story - H and I dated for one year (6 months of that was long distance) then got engaged. Our engagement was 18 months.

Nancy, I completely agree I need to be figuring this out now. I've already scheduled an appointment with a Christian counselor for next Monday, and I am definitely counting down the days.

I don't know your full relationship but just from listening to details it reminds me of how I was with my ex. We were together 5 yrs (through college and a little after). I pictured myself with him forever all the time and we talked about it constantly. We were comfortable with each other. But what changed for me was not being attracted anymore. We saw each other every other weekend usually throughout the whole relationship when we weren't at college. We had always had a strong physical relationship and then it became work and I only did it to make him happy but I was attracted to other people. And I kept thinking to myself its because the "honeymoon phase" is over. So we kept trying and trying.

In the end I knew I would be happy with him because I liked him as a person and he treated me well. But I loved him enough to know I wasn't in love with him. I should have let him go a lot earlier than I did but I didn't know any better and I had been with him for SO LONG!

I also want to add that there are so many things about my FH that drive me insane. But we have been together 5 years and I don't think the physical attraction will ever go away. I still love and want him as badly as I did from across the bar the first night we met.

My advice to you. Talk to him, or someone who knows you both. Or get counseling now instead of waiting! You don't want to marry him just because you "have to" because everything is planned. You need to want to be with him forever no questions asked.

Courtnee, I have been together with my fiance for over 4 years, we got engaged two months ago, and I can't wait to marry him next year. I would marry him today if I could.

I think instead of looking for a reason to rationalize why other couples seem happier than you are, it is really important to get to the bottom of why you aren't happy or confident that you should be marrying him. I agree with everyone who has already said, it would be a great idea to try to get that premarital counseling sooner rather than later.

You mentioned your mom...what does SHE think?

LivelyBride, you mean my dad? I don't remember mentioning my mom, but I have talked to her more than anyone else about it...she and my dad have been together 26 years (married at 16), and she says it sounds to her like I shouldn't be engaged. My dad is my best friend and has supported me the entire way..but I think he secretly thinks it's not right, to be honest.