Wedding Etiquette & “rules”?

I like this post. Theres a lot of posters on here that call other posters rude or get accused of being bad hosts because they dont follow "the rules." So what? Most of these rules are outdated and dont guarantee how well your guests will enjoy your wedding if you follow them or not. Why cant we just think for ourselves and do what's best for not only the guests, but for the bride and groom too?

I guess to me most of it is basic etiquette, but I grew up in the south so I grew up learning most of this. I approached my wedding thinking of the guest’s experience above anything else. So I wouldn’t ask them to pay for any part of attending my wedding or solicit a gift at a non gift giving event. I treated my bridesmaids as friends first and didn’t try to make them into a wedding planner or a prop for my pictures. I had a formal wedding so I tried to match the formality with food/drink, service. attire, and invitations. Anything that didn’t effect guest experience like my dress or the flowers or signs/decorations I didn’t care about. I also tried to follow basic etiquette with sending people prompt thank you notes and getting hostess gifts to people who hosted showers for me.

I think everyone should have the wedding they want and do it how they want despite what the "rules" say. For the most part, just make sure you aren't rude, inconsiderate, or have high expectations from anyone other than you and your FH. Only you know your crowd and can make judgement calls on what they may or may not deem appropriate.

-Dont B List
-Dont have guests pay for ANYTHING
-Dont have guests work at the wedding
-Dont include registry information on a WEDDING invite (it's fine on a shower invite)
-Everyone who gets a STD gets an invite
-Dont put dress code on a wedding invite, unless you're hosting a true Black Tie wedding.
-Dont say your having a Black Tie wedding unless you're having a multi course meal, premium alcohol, valet parking, band, and white glove service.
-Treat BP like honored guests, not like the help.
- Guests experience should be paramount.

"Rules" that dont affect guest experience arent the biggest deal but it annoys the heck outta me when someone says "Oh my Aunt Sally doesnt mind cooking for 150 people!!!" Yeah. Sure she doesnt. 🙄

I still think it's tacky to ask for money and not have a registry. I've found we gift much lower when the couple doesn't have a registry and we are just giving cash, than if we buy a gift from a registry. I also hate when couples don't have a wedding website, especially when I need more information about start times or locations or addresses or registry. I don't really agree it's not a gift if you pay for hair or makeup or gift a robe for getting ready to a bridesmaid. When I've been a bridesmaid, I've welcomed & loved any of those things. That being said, I'm gifting those things & additional gifts, but still. I think it's weird to expect a bridesmaid to take part in planning a wedding too.

View Quoted Comment I 100% agree Melissa! I think that the couple knows their friends & family better than anyone else and if they know that they’re family would be totally okay with something that some people would find rude - I think it’s fine to do it. For example, my fiancé and I have lived together for a long time and we don’t need anything so we are not registering for gifts. But I also know that 90% of my guests would rather give cash anyways so I think it’s fine. With that being said - there are some rules that other people have posted on this thread that I would have never even thought to do and I’m so happy they said it so I don’t look like a jerk! Haha.

View Quoted Comment Wow I had NO idea people even asked guests to pay for the wedding! I’m totally shocked that that’s even a rule that people have to think of because I think that’s so outrageous that anyone would actually ask that! 100% agree about they are friends first, bridesmaids second.

I also didn’t know about host gifts so thank you for that! I will definitely remember that should the situation present itself.

View Quoted Comment Thanks Danielle! I love that! It gives me so much stress that I feel like a jerk for not having a registry or for the 2.5 hour gap between ceremony & reception (we had no control over this unfortunately) because of things I’ve read in other posts. But we’re doing our best to be considerate. For example the website & weddig program will have a huge list of nearby bars/restaurants for guests to hang out at during the gap (plus their hotel is literally walking distance) and I’m even going to call restaurants and see if there is any possibility of giving my guests a discount somehow (I know it’s a long shot - but worth asking!)

View Quoted Comment Someone else mentioned this and I’m just shocked that anyone would ask guests to pay anything for the wedding! So messed up. Or ask them to work it. And I totally agree about the BP. I’m pretty much not asking my bridal party to do anything. But, I can’t lie, that does have somewhat to do with the fact that I tend to be a bit of a control freak at times - but hey, I’m working on it! Haha. But I also don’t wanna give them stress.

View Quoted Comment I have to respectfully disagree with you on a couple points. My fiancé and I are not registering because we literally don’t need anything and know very many people who have done the same thing. Plus I know several people who have said they never get a gift and just bring cash because it’s so much simpler for everyone. Also, while I do have a wedding website and I would love for everyone to look at it - I don’t feel one is very necessary because I have never looked at someone’s wedding website before and I’ve talked to many of my friends who feel the same way. They seem like a wasted effort to me - but I’m having fun with it so it’s still happening regardless!

I 100% agree with you on the gifts for bridesmaids. I read something a longgggg time ago where someone said “it’s not a gift if it’s used to enhance your day” so while I may pay for my bridesmaids hair (if I can afford it - otherwise it’s optional for them) I would never consider that their gift. I can’t stand when brides say “here’s your gift - it’s a necklace that you can wear today” just so rude IMO (unless there is something else in addition).

View Quoted Comment If only more users had a mentality like yours. This app would be so much better if we had more users who accept or just politely ignore those who are not "following the rules" or those that are doing things differently from them.

For example, in my family, it's ok to not go to both the ceremony and the reception. We all know everyone has their own busy lives and priorities. But there are some users on here that think that's the worst thing ever to do as a guest and super impolite to not go to both the ceremony and reception. And they make a huge fuss out of it and blow up the comments lol. If only alot of brides on here would understand it's not going to hurt you if another bride isnt "following the rules" or is doing something differently from you.

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I've seen everything on here from asking guests to pay for their plate to a cash bar. IMO, you should adjust your guest list before you ever ask your guests to open their wallet

I only had a MOH (my sister) so that def made my BP a lot easier lol

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I'm not saying I'm right, I'm just saying what I notice in traditional etiquette or not. When I see bride & groom's not register, I just assume they want cash. Even if they don't, I assume. I'd never go to a wedding without a gift and card, I would die of embarrassment. So we default to cash instead of picking out something random since the couple doesn't have a registry. And again, I'm different on the website because every wedding we've been to I look over the entire website before going. Ours has been used at least 26 times just because of our save the dates (I know that since our hotel block & RSVP are on the website). When I've been a bridesmaid, I would WAY prefer my HAMU paid for over a gift. Regardless the gift.

View Quoted Comment Yup. I could not agree with you more Melissa. My fiancé and I have been invited to several wedding receptions and not the ceremony and have never felt offended by that. We’ve known that sometimes couples can’t afford or fit everyone at the ceremony and OF COURSE family comes first. He’s also been asked to be a backup groomsmen before. He was not offended even remotely because he knew he wasn’t as close to the groom as the original people but he also cared enough about the groom to step up when he needed him (my dad had a similar situation when his parents got married).

I think it’s hard because we are at a point in time where things have changed so much, but there are still many people around that are used to the older ways of doing things (not even older people - just more old fashioned - which is not a bad thing at all) but sometimes there are some clashes of opinions and it kinda stinks when people can’t respect that.

I love hearing people’s thoughts on these topics and I’m so happy to hear etiquette “rules” that I may not have thought of but I definitely want to follow, but I agree there are so many posts with people just attacking others for being rude. Like backup bridesmaids and groomsmen. I personally don’t think it’s a big deal if handled properly and if you and the “backup” have an understanding and respect of the situation. Or if you send an STD to someone and then have a falling out - clearly they should not be invited to the wedding (now just not asking for no reason is not okay).

So sorry for the long post. Haha.

View Quoted Comment Oh yah I think everyone is definitely entitled to their own opinions and I actually get what you’re saying - like don’t say “I want cash” just don’t register and let it be implied. I thought you meant like you have to register. So that was my bad for misunderstanding you.

I am SO happy to hear people use your website. I really want people to use mine because I’ve put a lot of work into it. I just know a lot of people have mentioned they don’t look at them and that bums me out/makes me think they’re not necessary.

So you’ve used your website for RSVPs? I’m considering that. How have you liked it?

View Quoted Comment Oh my gosh. That’s so crazy to me. I mean my friend has this mindset that whenever she goes to a wedding, she gives them $100 as the gift because she assumes that each plate costs approximately $50 and it’s her and her fiancé. So I think that’s really nice of her to do that and that’s her perogative - but never okay to ask/demand it. I suppose I’m kind of asking guests to pay something since many of my guests have to travel I suppose hotel/air fare could be considered them having to pay for something. But I feel like that’s a bit different? I think. Idk. Haha.

View Quoted Comment I’ve seen a few posts asking should they have guests pay for their own meal at the rehearsal dinner or bring a dish to the wedding or have a cash bar. Not flat out pay for the wedding. And glad I could help with the hostess gifts! It doesn’t have to be anything big. Could be a bottle of their favorite wine or a gift card to one of their favorite restaurants or coffee shops.

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It's completely different. Guests can choose to attend an event knowing that there will be certain travel costs. I would never attend an event anticipating having to pay at the event itself. Unless it's a fundraiser, which of course, a wedding isn't

I think you take some of the comments on here too personally. No one here cares if you have a gap. They tell you that its considered rude because that's how most people feel. Basically people on here say what your guests are too polite to say (cause they know you, we don't). Just because it's not what you want to hear doesn't mean it's not helpful advice. You might just want to look at the advice differently...

View Quoted Comment That’s just so unreal to me. I’m not doubting you at all I’m just so shocked that anyone would ask that. But yeah thank you! Those are great ideas too!