Wedding Etiquette & “rules”?

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Everything about this Melissa I love! I can't stand the posters who won't back down and go for blood at others for their choices. At the end of the day why does this other random stranger on a forum care so much about another stranger on their choices leading up to and on their wedding day? Exactly, they shouldn't!! I definitely feel it is a know what is worth it, know what your audience will like and go with the flow sort of thing. I personally don't stress about the etiquette "rules". It's my money I'll do what I want sort of thing. Certain formalities I like, others I don't care about at all. A lot of these things turn into a preference/I experienced this and this thing rather than an actual "rule". Now this doesn't go without saying some women post some out there stuff that most people have never seen or would never do for their own wedding. But those may not have a lot of references on how weddings generally flow/work.

I say screw the rules!! I'm planning a wedding that is what FH and I want, while keeping our guests in mind. I'm cutting out traditions that we don't like and making it a day that we'll cherish forever. A lot of people (esp. my extended family) think i'm nuts but I don't care I think the only true "rules" are don't cause the day to be terrible for anyone, treat people like they matter, and don't expect everyone to love your wedding day as much as you do.

Here are the "rules" i'm breaking:

- Not getting married in a church (this is a "rule" in my family)

- No garter toss, no bouquet toss

- Save the Dates will be on the back of this year's Christmas card to save $

- No hotel block, just recommending hotels at different price points (there are literally 20+ hotels within 10 miles, why block?)

- No veil

- Not wearing heels

- My bridesmaids are getting their makeup done and i do consider it a gift to them as i'm paying, but i'm giving something else as well

- I asked my bridesmaids almost two year in advance, apparently this is a "huge no-no" as someone on here told me. we're all better friends now than we were if that's even possible. I could rant about this one for days but basically I know these girls inside and out and they are my soul sisters

- Might have a 19yo flower girl and 27yo ring bearer (FH's sister and my bro) otherwise i'm not doing it

- A little cake and a lot of donuts

-No rehearsal dinner

- RSVPs will be via a wedding website

- my groomsmens' tie color won't match the bridesmaids' dresses

- might have a friend officiate if he wants to do it

- combining father daughter dance and mother son dance so they're at the same time

- might walk myself down the aisle or just not have the line said about who gives me away

View Quoted Comment You're right about the brides that post the outlandish stuff here lol. Like if a bride posted about charging her guests to come to her wedding for example. It's ok to tell her maybe to think things over. But man, the people here who seem like they have nothing better to do than to start harassing and flagging posters who are doing things differently from their wedding just plain suck. We are all here for the same thing: our wedding. Why cant we be more supportive, or at the very least, less nasty to eachother and spread some positivity?

Oh no, someone isnt following the same wedding rules as you? Is your world going to end? No.

Is berating and calling a poster names when they mention theyre not following a certain rule going to get them to change? No. So why keep doing it?

View Quoted Comment I LOVE all of that! I’m actually doing a lot of similar things as you! There are a couple that you’re cutting out that I’m still doing, but I really like all of that! But yes it’s totally your day and who cares! That’s my thought process is just be considerate of everyone to the best of your ability and everything else is up to you and your fiancé.

View Quoted Comment You have considerably lowered my anxiety that I have felt while reading certain comments on this site. I just want to say thank you.

View Quoted Comment Hey, no problem. It's so easy for people to attack and berate other people behind a screen. And to be honest, whenever I do come across these overbearing brides, I think to myself "wow, I feel bad for your fiance for having to deal with you for the rest of their life" and just move on lol. Do what's best for you. I know it's easier said than done but, dont care about what negative people on here say. Nobody really cares what they have to say.

Our only rule is pleased do not wear Jean's! If anyone asks about attire were just saying business casual but its not posted anywhere and if someone did wear jeans I wouldn't say anything lol

Customs and traditions--tosses, dances, speeches, veils, favors--are arbitrary; adjust them as you will. (One exception: There is no way to do an anniversary dance or equivalent that isn't cruel to people who are single or were forced to be single by law for long years. Don't call attention to the marital status of your guests.)

Ways to treat your guests with respect and concern for their comfort are designed to make your guests glad they came, and these are set in stone. You need to take care of their comfort and convenience: no gap longer than a cocktail hour; a chair for everyone; climate control (no weddings in the snow or five-mile hikes); food and drink, preferably a meal and at least beer and wine; all partners (as defined by the members of the couple themselves) are invited by name (plus-ones are dates, guests of guests, and are optional); everyone is invited to the entire event.

Have the wedding you can afford.

View Quoted Comment I totally agree about the arbitrary things.
I see what you’re saying about anniversary stuff. We might honor both our parents marriages but that’s probably it.
I actually completely disagree with you on the gap thing becaus 1) every single wedding I’ve been to has had a significant gap and it’s never been an issue and 2) it’s 100% out of our control (as it is with a lot of people) BUT with that being said, consideration does need to be made. We are providing guests with a list of places to go and things to do during that gap so they won’t be sitting around twiddling their thumbs.
Totally agree about chairs, meals, booze, and climate control.
And YES about partners of guests. I will never understand how people can invite someone who is part of a couple (even if the couple has only been together a short while) and not invite their partner. I just think that is beyond rude and such a slap in the face. My fiancé and I would never attend a wedding if either of us wasn’t invited. It would feel like the couple is saying “come celebrate our love but yours doesn’t matter.”

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Love your style Kristen!

I’m honestly shocked by how many people on here are against giving/receiving gifts. I think to each their own but I was always under the impression a lot of other cultures give cash for weddings. I know Chinese and Italian do for sure and I think also Korean, Indian and another number of cultures?

Out of my Asian and white friends (haven’t been to any other weddings), I’ve only given a physical gift at one wedding in the past 5ish years? Maybe more. The majority of our friends actually write or hint something about wanting cash on their websites or sign up for a Honeyfund.

Like we’ve all said on this thread, everyone should do what’s best for them but I guess I’m really surprised that there hasn’t been more brides from cash-gifting cultures?

View Quoted Comment I totally agree. I think people who refuse to give a gift because the couple didn’t register for a toaster is extremely selfish and very rude. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - gifts are about the people receiving it, not giving it. And if someone is so angry that the couple is fortunate enough to have everything they really need, instead of being happy that their friends/family are blessed enough to be able to have those things and support them in other ways, really they shouldn’t even be going because they’re making the wedding about themselves and not the couple. Maybe that’s a little harsh but that’s just what I think. Plus cash is so common now and it’s something that literally everyone appreciates.

Plus I don’t trust registries at all. No one actually respects them and people see the items that the couple wants and buys them somewhere cheaper or more convenient (to the gift giver - again, selfish) and that’s how the couple ends up with 13 toasters and zero forks/spoons. (Actually happened to my friend at her baby shower...got 12 diaper genies and not a single person gave her pacifiers which she asked for multiple of).

Sorry there was a typo but I meant I’m surprised how many people are against giving/receiving cash as gifts.

View Quoted Comment Oh I knew what you meant! My response wasn’t directed at you. It was a general response about the hundreds of comments I’ve read on various threads here on WW

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Oh yes, I know! you got what I was saying! The correction for for future viewers.

I'm just surprised because I can't imagine I'm the only one who comes from a culture where giving cash is the norm.

View Quoted Comment My fiancé & I are lolder...I’m 53 and this is will be my first (and only!) marriage. My fiancé has been married once before and has an adult child. We don’t want or have a registry because we don’t want gifts. Between the 2 of us merging into one household, we have everything, and then some. It’s been difficult telling people that, people want to give us or bring gifts but we truly don’t want gifts. It makes me uncomfortable to talk about monetary gifts and we will not ask for that sort of gift. Should we receive any gifts of any sort, we will receive it gratiously...

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It's definitely a good idea to go with cash by default if they don't have a registry. I work at Bed Bath & Beyond. We see many people coming in for wedding gifts. If someone does have a registry, but a guest wants to give a gift other than cash, their minds tend to gravitate towards wedding frames and candles. Last thing someone wants and is 50 plus wedding frames.

View Quoted Comment I know this is an old-ish thread and J is probably not going to see this, but I feel the need and desire to respond to something she has said a couple of times in this thread.

I actually completely disagree with you on the gap thing becaus 1) every single wedding I’ve been to has had a significant gap and it’s never been an issue and 2) it’s 100% out of our control

Actually it's NOT out of your control; you yourself admitted that earlier in the thread. Your religious ceremony could not start after a certain time at the church; understandable. But you chose not to start your reception until later in the evening, thus having a gap, because a) you chose a reception venue that you only would have for 4 hours, and b) you did not want those 4 hours to start at 5 pm and end at 9 pm. Those were both choices that you and your FI made. They were absolutely not out of your control, and the fact that you're having a gap is not out of your control.

Honestly its going to differ family to family as well as budget. We broke the tradition of paper invites and did everything digitally. We also will be providing house liquor, wine and beer for three hours and then switch to a cash bar. This would be different if we were able to provide our own purchased liquor instead of dealing with restaurant markup, but is the reality of our budget. three hours include cocktail hour, dinner hour, and first hour of dancing. Good enough and long enough to get pretty tipsy but not drunk enough to cause drama. I picked up a second job on top of my full time teaching gig to help pay for our event as well. Some of the comments to "revisit your guest list prior to not paying for stuff" is valid, but sometimes not applicable. I wouldn't invite any fewer guests (we are having 80), nor would our venue allow us to even host our event there for less. I considered having a fully cash bar, but after discussing with FH we both agreed a couple of hours wouldn't go over our budget too bad and be nicer experience for our guests.

My advice. Do what you can to make the day special and memorable for your guests. Don't stress out about the rest. This nonsense about people not spending a dime at a wedding is outdated. I agree they should not be paying for their food, but liquor isn't something that is necessary. -shrugs-

We cut other things such as seating plan, plated food (buffet style), menus, schedules, paper products (invites, Save the dates, and RSVPs are all digital). But we are going to have ours more like a giant family party.