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Savvy October 2018

We want a capped bar, in laws want a open bar. Help?.

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DeTayls, on February 28, 2018 at 8:31 AM

We are not big drinkers and we are NOT comfortable around drunk people it’s jsut not how we are. We love to dance and have a good time we have a great DJ and Great food. There will be some alcohol to loosen people up but we don’t feel the need for a open bar plus we also have a champagne toast as well. The inlaws are insisting it be open bar to be a good host, because guests shouldn’t have to bring cash to a wedding. But we want a capped open bar that turns into cash bar when the capped limit is reached. Also don’t guests usually bring cash to a wedding for different traditions I’ve seen things like money dances and honeymoon boxes.

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96 Comments

Expert October 2018
AllieB25 · on February 28, 2018 at 10:39 AM
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Yes. Going to a ceremony doesn't take 'limited effort' for a lot of guests. Most of my guests will be buying plane tickets, hotel rooms, taking time off work, etc. to attend my wedding. To thank them for that, I will be hosting them during my reception with plenty of food and free drinks all night. It's honestly the least I can do, and if I was in the financial position to be more generous, I would. It's not about social status, it's about generously thanking the people who came to witness your marriage.
You can't take a fake moral high ground on this one, by saying that you believe in 'celebrating love' rather than 'partying'. My guests will still be celebrating love, while being properly hosted.
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Super May 2018
Jen · on February 28, 2018 at 10:40 AM
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Even with a cash bar this could be a concern. If you don't want people to get so drunk they fall down, don't have booze at all. But then don't expect people to stick around.
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Super September 2019
An · on February 28, 2018 at 10:40 AM
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People can also embarrass you without having any drinks... The only way to ensure no one embarrasses you at your wedding is to elope. Things happen, people get drunk. I have been to 20+ weddings, all with open bar, some with shots and literally not one wedding has had someone get so drunk that they couldn't control themselves or had to leave.
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VIP June 2019
magnolia5 · on February 28, 2018 at 10:40 AM
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If someone was so drunk/tipsy they were obnoxious, I would be judging them. Not the bride and groom.
Honestly, being so drunk they are falling down or puking is a factor to worry about whenever alcohol is around. Not just when there's an open bar.
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Master July 2018
Mcskipper · on February 28, 2018 at 10:42 AM
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If your in-laws are contributing financially they have a say and....they’re definitely not wrong here.

And no, guests won’t always have cash. I make an effort to have a few $1’s for tipping , but other than that I won’t necessarily have cash and would be screwed regarding a cash bar
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VIP January 2019
Heather · on February 28, 2018 at 10:43 AM
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If I truly was in a small minority of people who believed attending a wedding was about loving and supporting the couple, I would be proud to be one of the apparent few who think that way. However, I think most people in the real world are loving and supporting. At least, I know I can say I am surrounded by such people. Who goes to a day about someone else and thinks it should be done how they want it?
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Super September 2019
An · on February 28, 2018 at 10:43 AM
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That might be true but it just proves that people remember improper hosting. There have been lots of posts on here about people remembering cash bars and other poor hosting decades later. It's not like they are pissed about the $15, they are annoyed that the hosts didn't host.
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Savvy October 2018
Kaytlynn · on February 28, 2018 at 10:43 AM
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If that's the case then on a capped bar the bartender should stop then at the right time anyways. In my family that I grew up in there would be tons of drama if I didn't invite someone I'm close to. So I'm sorry that I'm considering some of the families who do have to consider cutting the guest list rude.
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Champion August 2017
Mrsbdg · on February 28, 2018 at 10:45 AM
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No good bartender will let that happen. Now if you "cap" or have a cash bar and guests decide to go to the state store around the corner to grab a six pack...yeah there's no way a bartender can control that.

If the couple are that easily embarrassed by the actions of other adults maybe they should consider elope in Amish country for a good old wholesome time.
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Savvy October 2018
Kaytlynn · on February 28, 2018 at 10:45 AM
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At least there is going to be some alcohol in the first place.. obviously you would have enough alcohol for each guest to have a few shots, but not too much.
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Master October 2016
Mrs. Fall Bride · on February 28, 2018 at 10:46 AM
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Ok, that's fair, OP didn't say those were her only options, she also suggested drink tickets! And said "I refuse to do an open bar no matter what".
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VIP June 2019
magnolia5 · on February 28, 2018 at 10:47 AM
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If you're at the point to where you're cutting those closest to you, I'm assuming you're having immediate family only. So I'm sorry that those who are "close" to you don't understand your circumstances.
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Devoted September 2020
Caitlin · on February 28, 2018 at 10:48 AM
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Another option: move your reception to a church and host it dry. That’s really the only not rude way to do this. Or if your religion doesn’t allow alcohol
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Expert October 2018
AllieB25 · on February 28, 2018 at 10:49 AM
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How much is too much though? A 'few shots' for me would get me DRUNK as I'm a small person with a very low tollerance. The idea that you're trying to control this is a little ridiculous. It honestly makes it seem as though you're making this WAY more stressful and dramatic than it needs to be.
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Master October 2016
Mrs. Fall Bride · on February 28, 2018 at 10:50 AM
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It's actually more of a concern with a cash bar because people will be sneaking in their own drinks and won't be regulated by a bartender.
I've never been to a wedding without a full, top shelf open bar. I've also never seen someone get so drunk that they embarrass themselves, the couple, or ruin the night.
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VIP June 2019
magnolia5 · on February 28, 2018 at 10:50 AM
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I would definitely be drunk after a few shots.
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Savvy October 2018
Kaytlynn · on February 28, 2018 at 10:51 AM
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True, I agree with that too.
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Savvy October 2018
Kaytlynn · on February 28, 2018 at 10:52 AM
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That's reasonable.
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Savvy October 2018
Kaytlynn · on February 28, 2018 at 10:55 AM
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That's exactly why the bartender is there. And like others saud before it does depend on the person. I have several friends that take actual bottles of vodka before they get drunk. I think 2 to 3 shots per person who is actually going to be drinking is reasonable. That also makes it perfect for the ones who get drunk on one shot and others who dont get drunk until theybe had several. It should even out.
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Devoted September 2018
Mac2Bee · on February 28, 2018 at 10:58 AM
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Who is paying for the bar? Are your FILs financially contributing?
Hate to say it OP but if the FILs want an open bar and are willing to pay for it then you either kindly accept their money and have the open bar or take no money from them and pay for it yourselves in the manner that you and your FI decide.
IMO, if it was a cash bar, we would be taking the cash out of the envelope we brought for the couple. We absolutely do not carry cash to weddings and the last beer and wine wedding we went to actually resulted in us walking to an ATM so we could buy cocktails. Neither of us left drunk. We weren't "falling over", "puking", or belligerent.
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