Wasn't up to posting a BAM, and this is why....Update Pg 12

I'd recommend calling your EAP (employee assistance plan) if you have one. They'll be able to connect you to a counselor, sometimes with the first session or two for free. They're there to help with anything and should be able to connect you with a financial planner and legal counsel as well. It's all confidential and they don't share any information with your employer.

Most people don't use these, but they're definitely a great resource.

This is not a 'letting it slide' thing. It's a deliberate pattern of irresponsible behavior and lying to the person he, in theory, cares about the most.

Sage; I think we all feel for you. And I'm sure many people here are having pings of memories about their own failed relationships and what contributed to the downfall; sometimes with partners who seemed 'caring and thoughtful" and you described him earlier. We misplace our trust, we look the other way, when there are red flags all along the way; red flags that can resurface years later.

And this is why, I think, you're getting such strong responses to this. It sounds way too familiar to many of us.

It's tempting to rescue the status quo, to make everything feel better and hope that as this fades into the rear view mirror, the behavior will just go away. But as appealing as that is, it may not be so useful. This isn't lying about how much a putter or a pair of sneakers cost; this is massive deception, and that is something most people here have been urging you to really consider, if you haven't already. He put you in danger in a way that buying those sneakers never could.

What is HIS suggestion for a remedy? How did he THINK this was going to be solved? Did he think confession was enough?

The more I think about this, the angrier I get for you.

I'm sorry Amy; marriage is a commitment to a person you know and love, not a promise to walk beside a liar, a cheat, and abuser in any form.

Too many women stay with too many awful situations because they either think they can make it better or they think they have no choice.

@amy - this is very serious deception for 8 months. Now, I think OP needs to make her own decision on whether to stay in the marriage, but she was married under a deception. He has a commitment to the marriage and relationship too that he didn't uphold and he married her knowing they were in huge financial trouble and didn't tell her. You do not have to stick by your spouse for everything - there are some things that are unforgivable. This may or may not be one of them for OP.

I definitely agree with PP about setting up your own account and separating finances. You need to protect yourself, even if you decide to stay and work on things.

I find it very troubling he's not providing any answers or explanation for why he did this and how he thought it would be okay in the long run.

Part of me feels like he did this to make sure the wedding and honeymoon were perfect. I'm sure every month he said it's ok next month I'll catch up before she knows, and so on and so on. The lying and not being open to you is the worse I feel. But if you know 100% it isn't drugs or gambling etc. I would push forward with figuring out to fix this. You need to get control of the bills, and all of them. Give him an allowance for what he can spend or even give him x amount of cash a week, and take away the debit card. As well as going to someone to help you learn how to budget.

I've read through every comment on this thread, and agree with all sides of and pieces of advice. I don't think you have a "right or wrong" thing to do here. You have to follow your gut on this one. If you do not believe there is any way that you could earn his trust back, then the marriage is pretty much already over.

However, if you believe that this is a mistake(while a HUGE one), that you both can get past with hard work and counseling, then I say you need to make up some ground rules, and work your asses off to fight for your relationship.

Sometimes things are worth fighting for, and sometimes they aren't. That choice is ultimately up to you. Good luck.

^^^that's one hell of a mistake.

Water bill not being paid for a few months.

Mortgage bill not being paid for eight months.

Mail being diverted to his mother's house.

Where there's smoke, there's fire.

This is intentional.

Being able to take two weeks off work for a $5,000 honeymoon without a clear description of where the money came from to pay for that is a big red flag. "Wow, we have an extra $5,000 available to go on vacation, even though we're in the middle of paying for this expensive wedding and neither of us have gotten huge bonuses or raises lately? How come we didn't have an extra random $5,000 last summer? Is this coming from your/our savings? Did your parents give us money? Who died?"

Quite frankly I'm surprised when I have an extra $200 each month of play money, $5,000 of play money or $2500 if we're splitting it is a long time of saving.

This is a tough pill to swallow, and I am so sorry that you're going through this OP.

My dad is a senior mortgage loan officer. When my FH and I got a house, his biggest piece of advice was "No matter what life throws at you, make sure you make your mortgage payments on time." And he's totally right. That's the roof over your head. That is the place to return to after a hard day of work. That is the place your family is living. And if a person doesn't make those payments, that can ruin you.

I'm not saying that you should or shouldn't leave this marriage because that's ultimately your choice. But there's one thing you have to consider: Can you bounce back after this? Even if and when this hot mess gets resolved, do you see yourself fully trusting him again? Are you going to be concerned about finances? Are you going to be able to take his word and 100% trust him on it? This is HUGE. And I'm glad to hear that you had a great wedding, but it's really a shame that he couldn't own up to these lies BEFORE you walked down the aisle.

I'm sure he does feel like a wreck right now. But he put himself into that situation.

Separate all your money from him ASAP.

The rest is just a cluster and I wouldn't even know where to begin.

Sage, I am glad that you have gotten some answers at least. I have to say that while everyone has made some mistakes with finances, this is a DOOZY, and while it may have started off as a mistake, it turned into something much much worse. This is a pattern of well thought-out lies. He actually thought this out well enough to come up with fake confirmation numbers. This is NOT a mistake, this is something much much more than that, and this would absolutely be a deal breaker for me, especially since this happened for 8 months, not just one time!!!!

You asked if anyone has ever come back from something like this, and I am sure they have, but not without TONS of work. I really think you both need some counseling, both financial and couples. I know you said that you couldn't afford it but, if you want your marriage to work, it is a MUST, IMO. I do not feel that there is any way you can recover without it. Also, I do not know your finances but, if you could afford a wedding, there must be some way you can budget for counseling if your insurance doesn't cover it.

Also, IMHO, he needs to move out for a while and let you have some time to decompress, cry, get angry, throw things, whatever you need to do and, during this time, HIS ASS needs to do something to come up with the extra money to fix this issue. If he REALLY is sorry about this, and not just blowing smoke, then this would probably be a good way to start showing it. There is no way in hell that you should take on this issue, whether you are a partnership or not. There are just some times that people need to sink or swim, and this is one of those times for him.

Lastly, there is TONS of great advice about checking your credit/credit score but I disagree with you paying for your credit report, as there is no need to pay for it. You may already know this but, by Federal Law, you are allowed a free report every year from each of the 3 Credit Entities. What I do is starting in January, I get 1 free report from the 1st company, 4 months later I get 1 from the 2nd company, then 4 months later I get 1 from the last company. That way I am always keeping an eye on my report and I never have to worry about signing up for something and then forgetting to cancel and getting charged. So, if you get one now, then you could start new in January and get 1 with each one every 4 months, and then it is very easy to remember when/when you got it already. The website is https://www.annualcreditreport.com/index.action

This is a very sketchy situation. Even after all of the updates, still quite sketchy. Love can be blinding, and you're clearly in love as you are subtly defending his obvious renege on his vows. To continue a lie for 8 months is very alarming. The home the you share has been compromised financially and internally, and this isn't something that should be dismissed with "nice gestures" only to pop up years later in the form of resentment. The only advice I have is to be smart. Think logically here and really dig into this situation for your relationship, future family, and most importantly for yourself. This can be life-altering. Now that your eyes are opened, keep them open. If you come up with an outcome that you did not imagine it to be, accept it (as hard as it may be) and begin healing. Wishing you the best in this situation.

Is your name on this mortgage somehow? ( You said he got the house while you were dating) So although you are both paying on the house and would both be screwed, this house is just in his name?

I am with PP. I feel bad that you are going thru this at all and especially right after you seal the deal. But This just doesnt make sense to me at all. Please dont be offended it just seems like there is so much more to the story. Skipping mortgage payments IS a big deal. Nothing concrete to show for it is an even bigger deal. You went over the wedding budget by $3k and you guys still had $5k for a honeymoon and you didnt get suspicious at all about how you had all the extra cash for no reason? I mean this is not your fault at all just trying to piece it all together. What is he saying HE will do to fix this?

@Sage, one thing I hope isn't getting lost in all the feedback is: IT. IS. OKAY. TO. HAVE. MIXED. FEELINGS!!!

You can (and probably should) be sad, mad, and everything in between (sometimes at the same time). Ultimately you're going to do what you feel is best, and while the advice PPs have given is great, only you have to live your life. If the core of your issue with him is trust (going both ways, you trusting him at his word, and him trusting you to expose his mistakes), then that's IMO what you have to focus on regarding staying with him or whatnot.

Cry. Scream. Feel. Eventually you'll process. Just make sure you're taking care of yourself (emotionally and financially through it all)!

Wow I'm so sorry to hear. I pray things work out for you both. I strongly suggest that you seek out counseling.

Something similar, though not the same happened with my parents many years ago. They stayed married, though it's been stressful for my mom at times. She ultimately decided against divorce, but what she did do was untangle their finances and had my father's name taken off the house. If she hadn't done these things, we probably wouldn't have had a place to live. No matter what you choose, or why he told you he did it, you know now what he is capable of, so work to protect yourself.

I don't even know what to say because I would be at a loss in this situation. I just wanted to come back for an update and I'm just so sad for you. I am so sorry and wish I had any good advice, but I think you have gotten some great advice from the community. You will know what is best for your relationship, but first and foremost keep taking care of yourself. We're thinking of you Sage!

I know there is a ton of advice on here, but here is what I would do, based on the info you gave, if it is any consolation:

-I would stay with him. It isn't something I personally would deem divorce-able but the lying would need to be addressed via counseling before I could trust him fully again.

-I would take complete ownership of finances. I would have a separate account for your paychecks, I would change all the passwords to household bills and put yourself completely in charge. Have him pay you what you need for bills instead of it coming from a joint account.

-I would check your credit score and have him check his. This definitely affected his but that would show you if it was just the house that was an issue or if he has any other financial issues he isn't addressing.

-I would go to a financial advisor about catching up on the missed mortgage payments and what your options are. Also have a good system in place for your own finances. You aren't on the deed, it seems to be just him and your mom, so it shouldn't affect your credit by non-payment. However, it could've easily affected your living situation so I would get that straightened out by figuring out the quickest and best way to repay. Possibly a personal loan to pay the mortgage company immediately and make a monthly payment on that, if the mortgage company doesn't want to negotiate a payment plan. Or a possible refinance so you and him could get on the deed and take his mother off of it, since she her credit was also hurt in this situation. A financial counselor would help you figure this out.

-I would make him take a financial literacy course or something to prove that he understands the severity of what he did and is working to better himself. Just saying he won't do it again isn't enough.

-The lying would also need to be addressed through counseling. The embarrassment and guilt he had is an understandable feeling, but he needs to turn to you instead of turning away from you.

The reason I would stay is because it doesn't seem intentionally malicious. It seems like he got in over his head and didn't respond how he should've. But it wasn't like he was trying to lose the house on purpose and leave you homeless, as others mentioned their exes tried to do or did something similar. He needs to learn how to properly react in these situations and turn to you when it happens in the beginning.

I wish you luck OP!

Is no one as concerned as me that OP has been trying to pay the mortgage on a house she didn't even know her husband's mother was part owner of??

Cause if I found that out I would have to question whether I ever knew my FH.

Tallah.... Part of me says, if she was going to live anywhere away from home or family, she would of had to pay. If they ever sold the home together, they would more than likely use that to buy something else and use that money as a downpayment.. even though he fucked his credit by doing this... So they migh be spending a lot of time getting his credit back together, before any shopping is done..