Arlene
Devoted March 2020

Vent Session-family Friend insisting to be a bm

Arlene, on February 7, 2019 at 1:03 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 66
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Hi WW Fam,

Just a vent session today, I had to get it off my chest to follow brides. So me and FH have our bridal party set in stone. He hasn't been able to give his invite to his last possible groomsmen yet because he moved out of state few months ago and we were going to mail it however as we did everyone else he sent a text to him first asking if he would like to be a groomsmen (let's just call him John). We assumed yes because FH informed John and his wife of him planning to propose and coudln't do it without John standing by him at the altar in which John was very excited for. After FH sends text, John tells him "cannot guaruntee it but will let you know" My FH was really sad considering how close they are and how excited John would talk about being a groomsmen, we figured maybe its cause they moved to a new state had their 3rd baby it is just a busy time for them. Come to find out John's wife calls me and tells me that she feels bad and had to get it off her chest that John turned down being a groomsmen because she wasn't invited to be one my bridesmaids and she felt left out. I explained to her that originally we wanted them both but they had 2 kids with 1 on the way and if both of them were in the wedding someone would need to watch the kids. Also when they came to visit in December, we kept insisting and asking to hangout so we can talk to them bout the bridal party and give John his groomsmen box but they never made time or had time to see us so we let it go. Johns wife insisted that this would be the 3rd wedding John was invited to a bridal party but she wasn't and that all 3 including us were closer to her first and family first. Quick Backstory- me and John's wife go back from high school and met him through her. I told her I didn't add her because she would of had a 1 year old and 2 other kids to watch and I figured the mommy would wanna be with the baby but she insisted the kids would not come because they wanted to enjoy as a couple and drink at my wedding. Long story short..she mentions a few more times John will be a groomsmen if she is a bridesmaid. I explained once again that I already picked out my bridal party and I would of added her if I knew the kids weren't coming but since they couldn't hangout when they came to town and talk about it she never informed me so i had no idea, I explained again that if I had put her in it 3 kids would of been unattended. She just apologized and insisted again that John won't be in it unless she was in it and he felt bad since she felt left out.

So after that long novel/rant, I just feel really sad and dissapointed, I understand they are married and their bond is more important so I cannot be mad, I am just sad that because I didn't put her in John told my FH no. My FH is pretty sad and dissapointed himself, I feel this is kind of selfish in a way as I have been in 2 weddings without FH and I never would of said no because he is not in it and vice versa but than again we are different. John and my FH are very close but I know as many husbands John wouldn't want to dissapoint his wife. I keep hesitating to add her in just so FH can have John by his side but the same time our bridal party is already at 7 (including John) so if I add John's wife I would have 8 plus my Jr Maid which is too many. FH doesn;t want to ask anyone else to finish the 7 as he was really excited to have John but now that John said no, it breaks my heart. I want my FH happy and will do what I can if that makes John be a groomsmen but same time I do not want to add John's wife because I feel she is coercing me to do it out of guilt. FH told me not too as he is now pretty dissapointed and kind of upset and does not want to plan our bridal party because of someone else's influence, he feels that she was being selfish and if that is what John wants then he said he won't debate over it.

Not much I can do, but yea anyone who came this far reading this, any thoughts?

66 Comments

  • Jessica
    VIP June 2020
    Jessica ·
    • Flag

    Ugh I hate reading these kinds of things people are crazy. My FH and I have been together 10 years. Yes TEN years lol and he has been in a couple wedding where I have not and they were all close friends of mine as well as his. I was hurt at first I wasn't asked but I am an adult and get over it and mored on. I would never ask FH to not be in a wedding party because I wasn't that's rude for me to do and I would hope he wouldn't ask me to do that either.

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  • Lauren
    Devoted October 2019
    Lauren ·
    • Flag
    My thoughts....

    if you feel bad you didnt add her, just add her.

    If you dont want her bc you want the BP numbers to match (???) thats okay too.

    For this lady to call you and tell you all of this information I don’t care how long you’ve known her her boundaries are awful and that’s really rude.
    • Reply
  • A
    Savvy January 2021
    Ashley ·
    • Flag
    Oh wow .. that is a tough spot to be in. To be honest, I would be upset at "John" for not backing his friend at his wedding. I think it was very wrong of his wife to approach you and say he will only do it if I'm in it as well. I definitely would not fall for the coersion, because who is to say they will even participate fully and give you guys all the attention and help you need even if adding them in, especially because they moved away.
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  • Danielle
    Master June 2019
    Danielle ·
    • Flag

    I will say as a parent, I am capable of deciding child care for my children and they would not be left unattended at an event. So I don't think you should of based your decision off of that, and I can see how that would upset her that you did. With that being said, that is pretty darn crappy of them to act that way. I would never ask to be in someone's bridal party. If they want me there, then they will ask. I don't feel like this is a situation where her husband needs to be loyal to his wife and decline being a groomsmen just because she wasn't asked to be a bridesmaid. The story would be different if you invited him to the wedding but didn't invite her. That isn't the case though. I get her being sad that she wasn't asked, but she should never of approached you like that and put her husband in that position. I feel bad for your FH, poor guy! Unfortunately, this sounds like something that may change y'all's relationship with this couple.

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  • Arlene
    Devoted March 2020
    Arlene ·
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    I agree!

    Personally I wanted her to be in it in the beginning but I am glad with my bridal party and happy as hell with them. I also do not feel like I want her in it anymore due to the fact she has played a big role in John saying no and her feeling some type of way. I am sorry that the other 2 families didn't add her but I am not her family so she cannot use my wedding for whatever feelings she had. IT is very rude and inconsiderate and really upset me but I am trying hard not to feed into it and let her get her way. Thats what they want, then sorry for John that will be his loss and he can take that up with his wife. me and FH will be just fine with the current bridal party.

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  • Suji
    Savvy September 2019
    Suji ·
    • Flag
    Wow that is awful! Now that you know all this ... and let’s say you didn’t care about the even BM/GM numbers ... would you still invite her to be a BM? And would your FH want John there to be a GM?

    BC I feel like even though “John” is the one backing out as a GM, there seems to be a level of bullying going on that “they both have to be in the wedding or he won’t be a GM.” Like ...this isn’t their wedding. And it’s like he was invited as a guest and he wasn’t “permitted” to bring his wife. Being a part of the bridal/groomsman party is personal choice, just as it is a persomal choice to decline. And if “John” declines bc his wife wasn’t invited as party of the bridal party then I say tough luck.
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  • Arlene
    Devoted March 2020
    Arlene ·
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    I agree! however she has an infant who will be 1 by my wedding and a 6 year old and 7 year old. Originally she told me they were all coming to the wedding the 3 kids and them. Wouldn't you as a parent? I am one myself, wonder who will sit with the kids during the ceremony and the photoshoot? I based it off that and we put the kids first. If that meant not putting her in my bridal party so be it, those kids mean the world to me and yes I can have a family member watch them but then again that is up to her. She never stated they wouldn't come she originally said they would. The bridal party will be gone during the whole cocktail hour taking photos, where would her 3 kids go? and yea I agree with you, I think this will change the relationship with them because I already feel it. If anything my heart just breaks, my FH seemed so sad yesterday and the excitement he had is gone for his groomsmen, he will get over it but they were really close.

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  • Arlene
    Devoted March 2020
    Arlene ·
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    Agree!! That is what FH stated, he said let it go. As hurt and sad as he looks, he is pretty dissapointed that John said no because of that but at the same time he understands that is his wife so he is really at a point of just letting it go. THings happen for a reason and we will be happy with the bridal party we have already. That won't be our loss but Johns.

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  • Colleen
    Master September 2019
    Colleen ·
    • Flag
    It is your choice to have her in the wedding however you keep bringing up it cause they have kids. They can find a baby sitter.
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  • Rayna
    Devoted July 2019
    Rayna ·
    • Flag
    I don’t think you should have excluded her based on childcare. I’m not a parent but I’m offended by the assumption that mommy wants to be with the kids. Also they are adults and will tell you if they can’t figure out child care. If you just didn’t want her that’s fine, no need for an excuse. I’m equally as offended by her turning this into an ultimatum. The fact that she has been excluded before has nothing to do with you or FH. She needs to learn to handle these things with more grace. I wouldn’t add her at this point bc I don’t like feeling manipulated by people.
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  • A
    Super February 2019
    Amy ·
    • Flag
    I find their behavior to be frankly manipulatatuve as hell. I'm sorry, but that's an ultimatum she served you and those are terrible things. Basically it's bullying. End of story. She is saying you do x or else I will hurt your FH by denying him a groomsman. But if you cave and give into my wishes, your FH can have his groomsman. It's a terrible way to treat friends.

    Neither of John or his wife's behavior is rational, adult behavior. Her feelings may be valid, but her actions are not.
    • Reply
  • Arlene
    Devoted March 2020
    Arlene ·
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    Honestly now that I know all this and I didn't care about the even number, no I would not invite her. Personally I could of dealt with an uneven number and after speaking with FH one of my bridesmaids seems that she might drop out but still attend wedding (she has alot personal issues going on) and if that happened it would of been fine and number wise as well but personally regardless if it is even, the coercision of this is exactly what was said "hey sis so sorry I was right after talking to John, he really has decided not to be in it because of me and he does not feel like being in it, I told him to be in it but he doesnt't feel right about it" I know John and he very much loves his wife, I know he wants to be in it even if his wife told him to be, that is just setting up problems between them because deep down she doesn't want him to be in it without her she straight said it so I wouldn't want him to do that knowing he will upset her. I do agree with you as John is the one who backed out, we are equally just as dissapointed with him as well. but like you said tough luck! We will carry on without them in the bridal party, they are still guests of course.

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  • Missy
    Dedicated May 2019
    Missy ·
    • Flag
    I feel that’s ridiculous on her part. She is a grown woman. I would NEVER turn someone down if my husband wasn’t included, nor would he ever if I wasn’t included. That’s some high school stuff.
    • Reply
  • Arlene
    Devoted March 2020
    Arlene ·
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    I shouldn't of excluded her but that was the whole point of her coming to hangout with us in December. Before FH proposed to me in September, he told John he wanted him as a groomsmen, NOT ONCE did I ever tell her she was in it or plan to be in but I did say come over in December. Personally i did not just exclude her based on child care, if I wanted her in my bridal party that bad I would of asked her, that is merely 1 MAJOR point why I did not add her but also for the simple fact I have mine set. She was NEVER informed prior like John was that she was in my bridal party. But when we got engaged she said all 5 of us will be there. You are not a parent, but at the same time how can you assume your 3 kids would be watched? Cocktail hour will be an hour of photography who would stay with the kids if I need her to do the photoshoot? Either way, kids or no kids, no offense but she never was told she was going to be in it so whether kids or not, there should have not been any assumption on her end. I agree with you she handled it very differently and it was offensive.

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  • Disneybride
    Dedicated April 2021
    Disneybride ·
    • Flag
    I'm sorry I would stick to.my.guns on this. John is his own person I would send them a invite so at least he can still be thier hugs
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  • Arlene
    Devoted March 2020
    Arlene ·
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    You are missing the point, she told me they were coming. I am not paying for a babysitter or guest just for a baby sitter. During my choosing of bridal party, the kids were coming. Now all of a sudden she isn't invited as a bridesmaid the kids are not coming.

    The whole point of this was the kids were suppose to come she informed me of that many times they were coming them 5. Why would she need to find a baby sitter if they were coming? She just now told me yesterday they weren't in debate of me informing her my bridal party was set in stone.

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  • J
    Devoted July 2020
    Jaime ·
    • Flag

    She sounds manipulative and personally I wouldn't play into it. That is too bad her husband declined being a groomsman. I've never heard of this thing that husbands and wives need to be in bridal parties.

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  • Arlene
    Devoted March 2020
    Arlene ·
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    I agree. And as many people stated, I understand if it was a wedding invite but no they are both invited as well as the kids to the wedding. This was just the bridal party. It seemed very immature but then again I respect their wishes thats his wife if John doesn't want to to make her happy than I am not one to get in between that neither me or my FH as much as it is immature.

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  • Arlene
    Devoted March 2020
    Arlene ·
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    Oh of course they are still invited. That was never an issue or a change.

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  • Arlene
    Devoted March 2020
    Arlene ·
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    Me neither, never once found it to be an issue. I have been in 2 bridal parties without my FH and he has been in 1 without me and I didn't find a reason to be upset. Then again everyone is different.

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