Unsupportive Parents

What's the rush? If he's such an amazing guy and you're so sure you'll be spending the rest of your life with him then a couple of years engaged would not change anything right? why not wait a couple of years to concentrate on your education, etc and to give your parents a chance to see that you two really are committed to each other, that he is a great guy, and that you will do everything you need to do to get on the right life path? If your parents are truly important in your life (as if sounds like they are) and they feel this way for your own good (which it sound like they do) then maybe you should consider listening to them to a certain extent by compromising on the date and proving to them how mature and smart you really are

Thank for your feedback, we have been dating for 3.5 years though. He has been coming over to my house every day for 2 years so my parents know him really well but only brought up all this drama after they found out we were engaged. we do not live together so it is hard to wait. i just feel like whats so wrong with getting married when we know we are always going to be together! we have been involved with church etc, i just dont know what else will make them happy, even if we wait longer.

Because they aren't concerned about how long you've been together...they are concerned about things like his debt and your education...those are very real things that can be taken care of in the next couple of years to ease their concerns and to show them how truly committed you are to each other and that you are mature enough to get married. Maturity isn't automatic with age, it's making the right choices even when it's hard to make them. Of course it's hard not to run and get married asap when you're in love, but it's wiser to take care of real life issues first to ensure you will both have the best possible start in a married life. Your parents sound pretty smart and like they love you and want the best for you, Maybe you should hear more of what they're saying. And I haven't even touched on the "lying and manipulating" accusation, that's pretty serious so if there's any validity in that at all (and I have no idea) that should be considered

His debt will not be resolved because his name is on a home loan with his parents who are not qualified because of their credit scores. he has a good-paying stable job, so we are prepared for the worst case scenario.

i will be a doctor in 10 years, they are just scared my motivation will not be there if i am married so they want me to wait until i get accepted into med school, about 2-3 years.

maybe we should just live together then we could just get married when i am 26, the "perfect" age according to my dad........ sorry i dont mean to vent to you, i am just really frustrated. i know he is a good person.....

Well in all honestly I went thru the same thing with my FH's mother. She did not agree for several reasons especially our age difference. I'm 4 years older than him and I'm just going back to school to finish my education. She did not like me at all but did not know me at the same time. One weekend he decided he was taking my home no matter what and she was going to realize what we have is very special and we care about each other more than anything. I spent the entire weekend there and by the time we left Monday morning I was her baby and her daughter in law. So with that being said your parents will soon see him the same way you do. Trust me they will rather have him and you around than you not around at all.

I was in your shoes with my parents when I was your age. I am so glad that things didn't work out because my mom was right about him! Mom's know things that we can't see because we love the person. As the old saying goes love is blind. If i had married that guy I would be in a horrible situation right now but thankfully I had my mom to show me the light and today I am married to the most amazing man that isn't that guy!

Hey Lesley,

I can kind of relate to your situation. I'm 23 and my FH is 24 and my rents are also conservative Christians. They really wanted me to finish college before I get married. Well I met FH during my 5th year of college (second year senior, lol) and we got engaged within 3 months. I know that was fast, but we met both of our parents and they gave us their permission & have the "peace" your mom is speaking of. Now it didn't come automatically, we all had to make compromises. My mom asked me to wait one year from meeting FH to get married (Feb 2nd will be our first anniversary) and dad asked that I finish school to the best of my ability since I'm paying for it out of pocket. His parents were happy with us getting married as long as we had pre-marital counseling first which I highly recommend. We just completed our last counseling session, I'll be finishing my last class ever within 2 weeks after the wedding. My suggestions are to find out what their concerns are and lay cont

Out a reasonable plan for resolving those concerns. FH also has debt and we planned out our budget based on our salaries for the next year so we can show that "hey this is what we have, and we can pay this off within 2 years". As for school, I understand not wanting to wait 10 years until completion, but perhaps you can compromise and get married when you have your bachelors? Depending on where you're at school wise that may be another 2-3 years for you which is not bad compared to the option of waiting forever, lol. I hope some of my rambles helped. I wish you the best!

I'm in college as well and I had to sit my parents down and explain to them my Plan. They were not concerned about anything else with FH, or getting married, just that I would slack at school and not finish, or not go on to grad school like I had wanted to. I showed them the classes I need to finish, how I have them all arranged and scheduled (or at least know which semester I'm taking what and how many hours) and said that there isn't any better motivator to do well in school than having a family to support! After that, they gave us their full blessing to get married before I graduate. Now, as far as their other concerns, I think you need to truly listen to them. If you're close to your parents (and it sounds like it) then they've known you your whole life and love you dearly. They may be able to see something that you can't from their perspective, because they're on the outside of the relationship. I would try talking to them calmly and discuss the potential problems they see. Cont'd

I actually did this with my parents and it helped a LOT! They really didn't have any that weren't resolvable or more serious than any other couple (he doesn't pick up after himself, never lived on his own, ect.) but getting a third perspective really helped me validate that I WAS thinking with my head, not just my heart.

I agree with your Mom to wait a couple of years. Maybe it is really better to live together before getting married!!! I think so! I know four couples who got married in their 20s because their parents kinda forced them to since they didn't want them living in sin...they are all divorced now...........

Hi Leslie, I agree 100% with Laura--she took the words RIGHT out of my mouth--and I was ready to put them all down==I know at your age you really think that you know the right thing to do..but in all actuality, you don't right now. FACT: If your love is true, don't be afraid to test it--wait---if the two of you are meant to be together, YOU WILL. If you force it, you will not be happy because your parents will not be. You are already starting out with debt---debt that will be connected to you when you marry--it WILL effect you--things will be harder--why start out that way. Also, if your folks have noticed manipulations, take a hard look at what they're saying--that can only lead to trouble if it is true. Trust in you love, wait.

Thank you all so much for your advice. I really appreciate it. We are just confused right now so we have decided to take two weeks to really pray about it and make a decision on whether or not we want to do it this summer, next summer, or wait until I get accepted into medical school. I feel like I have listened to my parents concerns, I know this is hard to believe, but he has lied to me before but I know he has changed because I have only seen good behavior in the last 6 months or so. We are both working on getting better and we really help each other to do that......My parents used to love him! They were really close and he would come over every day. But all of a sudden they are feeling like this. I feel like they are just imagining him to be a different person than they know! After praying my mom just feels like we are not going to get married... like i said she does not feel peace about it. This is the main reason I am questioning everything because I always felt my mom to cont'd.

Be really godly and right about things. But I also feel that I am close to God and that being with him is the right decision. But how can God be telling us 2 different things? The other main reason I am wondering if we should get married right now is because I really want them to be happy for us, I know it will be super hard to go dress shopping or plan anything without my moms support. So if we do decide to get married this summer we will probably just have a small reception dinner. Please pray for me to make the right decision! thank you!

Aww hang in there. I'm sure everything will work out fine. If you are at all confused in any way about it, postponing is the thing to do....best of luck to you!

Question, is/will he also be a professional?

He is a business banker, makes good money. but he wanted to be a doctor for a while too so he kind of knows what i am going through.

Pray about it and step out in faith. Let your faith guide you....

I'm sorry. I don't mean this to sound offensive or anything, so please no one take this the wrong way. But I just don't understand how so many people who are 20, 21, 22,...30, even...let their parents continue to control them as if they were children. Now, granted...some 20 year old's are still children. I'm in no position to say that at 23 I know everything. Nor is it really my place to claim I'm always the most mature adult. But at 18, I was legally so. I moved out, and started my life as an adult. When FH asked my dad for his blessing in our engagement, my dad said, "Do you make her happy?" "yes." "Are you sure?" "She seems happy to me." "Then she's an adult. You don't need my blessing, you need hers."

If either of my parents had come to me and said they don't approve or they wouldn't allow it, I'd have very promptly replied by giving them the finger. Yes, I love my parents very very much. And they mean the world to me. But they don't own me anymore. My finances, education, (cont)

And household are all controlled by me with no assistance from them. And really, those things are none of their business.

I dunno...I just don't understand how people who have made a life for themselves still allow sections of that life to be dictated by their family. Like I said, I'm not trying to offend in any way. I just don't get it.