To prenup or not to prenup?

Yes, I am. I'm torn about what to do, totally following...

I've been thinking about it as well. I'm an RN with my own home and my FH is a cook. I agree I feel icky about it tho.

Yes yes yes yes yes to pre-nup! It's not aiming for divorce, it's protecting BOTH of you in case of the worst!

Following

@orchids I completely get that... Does the icky feeling go away? Can I get past it? I just don't even know

We are older. He is divorced. I am widowed. I have my own home and assets. We have everything lined out through other means.

Prenups are way more common than you think, and there are many, many happily married couples with them. In fact, it probably helps them get better at having tough conversations in a healthy way. We briefly talked about getting one so that his student loan debt would stay with him, but we just didn't get around to it.

My personal beliefs.... I do not believe in prenups. For me, marriage is forever, no need to have the mindset going in that it might not work.... totally icky.

But the lawyer in me obviously sees otherwise in the world. FH and I both come from divorced parents, and saw the mess of them fighting over things. Idk if that's more ammo for us to make sure we break that cycle or what, but we aren't doing one.

We are getting one. It doesn't have to have a bunch of stipulations. It can be as simple as if we part you take what you came in with and I take what I came in with. Any property obtained during shall be deemed community property and shall be sold and profits split. Hearts break every day. But not over prenuptial agreements

I'm definitely doing one. Not only to protect myself but to protect FH. It's just smart to be prepared.

I am planning on getting a prenup. I make significantly more money than my FH and I put 100k down on the house we live in. I also have a pension and decent sized 401k. He has nothing saved for retirement. I will warn you though, prenuptial agreements aren't cheap. You need two lawyers. I anticipate spending between 3-5k for ours.

I dont feel icky talking about it. I feel like it is better to talk about what is fair now. We are both realistic people so it doesn't feel like anything more than a conversation about the possibilities of what the future might hold.

Student loan debt stays with him anyway. When I divorced my first husband the lawyer said I can't ask him to contribute towards it.

Re: the icky feeling. I didn't experience this so I can't answer from personal experience, but maybe you could try to reframe it into a positive...have your lawyers get you a list of things to include and make it a date night with FH...some favorite food and a bottle of wine in front of the fireplace while you talk out the details? Any time you have to do something related to the pre-nup, pair it with something fun and romantic so that you can form some more positive associations with the experience.

I'm a lawyer and would totally do one if my FH wanted to. I think it's smart and always good to protect yourself.

This isn't a hot topic. I was actually surprised to never see it mentioned on here but I think it is because of responses like Lauryn's. People make you feel bad if you talk about prenups because they think it somehow makes you less committed to marriage. I think that is bullshit. Obviously everyone gets married hoping that they will be together forever but you would be silly to never think that divorce was not a possibility. People change. Who knows what will have 10, 20, or 30 years from now.

Thanks everyone. I know it's something we will probably end up doing, and it does just seem like something I have to get over.

@miami I wondered if it was a hot topic. I'd never seen it brought up before and I wondered if that was part of the reason. But glad to know there are so many sensible people out here!

IMHO, every one has a prenup. The question is do you want the one state provides to everyone, or do you want a custom one that reflects your own situation.

@Bemyguest I like that you posted about it. I thought about making a post myself but was afraid I would get a bunch of women telling me that I must not be ready to get married.

OP - I hope my response didn't make you (or anyone else) feel bad as Miami2VA said. I was just giving my honest opinion based on my personal beliefs, and how I can relate to feeling a little strange about it. But I totally respect the decision, and completely understand why people do it (I'm sure both FH and my parents wish they had as well). Good luck!

I'm happy to see this thread. It's important and I appreciate the different responses. It's a really important topic. FH haven't talked about it yet. So I'm following with interest.