VIP August 2020

To Pay or Not to Pay?

Jasmine, on February 4, 2019 at 9:14 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 53
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RANT! To be clear, I'm not saying they should pay for everything if anything at all but I would also appreciate your honest opinions about if I'm overreacting...

My mom is a single mother who does anything and everything to help me in ANY situation, including helping with my wedding. Even when she's at her lowest, she crunches numbers to help and I couldn't be more grateful. My fiance is an ONLY CHILD who is getting married and his parents have hinted at nothing to help in any way, shape or form but were quick in the beginning to try and invite family members that my fiance never talks to (which we shut down real quick).

We haven't mentioned to them whether or not they were willing and/or able to help after finding out that they're going through this whole business bankruptcy deal. What bothers me the most is that even through that ordeal, they found time to pay for ANOTHER cruise (2 weeks long) after recently getting back from one in October AND waiting to buy ANOTHER house but have said nothing about our wedding! Like I really would like to know is that something that should be addressed or should we just leave it alone? Am I completely overreacting? Is it selfish? What would you guys do in that situation?


  • Kelly
    Master October 2018
    Kelly Online ·
    I would leave it alone. Their finances are none of your business and it’s not their responsibility to pay for the wedding. It’s totally fine to veto their guests since they aren’t paying.
  • Chandra
    Master May 2019
    Chandra ·
    I say leave it alone. Their finances should really be none of your concern.
    It's nice when parents offer to help but they aren't obligated to pay for anything.
  • Colleen
    Master September 2019
    Colleen ·
    If someone offers to pay that is great. We had other plans planned out if my dad did not offer to help. We would have done a courthouse wedding flagons out with family and paid for drinks.
  • Bridget
    VIP August 2019
    Bridget ·

    I would definitely leave it alone. As Kelly said its not their responsibilities to pay for your wedding. My mom and dad are contributing but I would've never asked them or hinted that they should, they offered. My future MIL has never said anything, nor do I expect it. After all it is our wedding not hers.

  • A
    Devoted August 2019
    Ami ·
    I would casually have FH talk to them. Tell them you two are putting together a budget for the wedding and wanted to know if they’d be contributing to it. Say that it’s going to make a difference when you book your vendors. They might say no, but it’s not wrong to ask. Don’t ask for money, just ask if they were planning on contributing (two very different things).

    It’s unfortunate if they say no and you’ll probably be understandably disappointed, but everyome is entitled to spend their money how they choose. My FH’s family is doing something similar and the worst part is how it’s hurt my parents.

    Also, you might get some backlash for posting this, but ignore it. You asked a legitimate question.
  • Angerra
    VIP August 2019
    Angerra ·
    I wouldn't say anything.
    My parents are helping us with a lot for our wedding. They're paying for my dress, our vendors, our honeymoon, and the welcome party. My fiance's parents are helping with anything financially. I can tell that that annoys my fiance a bit but there's nothing we can do about it.
    I would move on with you wedding planning and thank your mother immensely for her support.
  • Jasmine
    VIP August 2020
    Jasmine ·

    Yea, I'm well aware they're not obligated and I did talk to my fiance about it. We wouldn't ever ask them or anyone else straight out for money and I'm nowhere near upset about it so I hope no one took it that way but it just made me think and I just wanted to get insight on the situation. Thanks

  • Jasmine
    VIP August 2020
    Jasmine ·
    View Quoted Comment

    Oh, wow. That's amazing! But I do tell my mother all the time. Thank you

  • Iris
    Expert May 2019
    Iris ·
    I’d say leave it alone. Even though many times it might seem unfair to you and your FH, their finances shouldn’t concern you as a couple. The wedding is yours and it’s nice if they can help, just as your mother has done, but they’re not mandated to contribute or pay for the wedding expenses in any way. Of course, it’d be lovely if they could contribute, but that doesn’t always happen. And sometimes is better that way, because for some reason when people contribute, they feel like they have the right to make decisions for you, or voice their concerns a little bit too vehemently. I’d leave it as it is, and stay firm in your position regarding the family members that you weren’t inviting, at the end of the day, and how nice it is that you can say this, they’re not paying for the wedding, so they are guests and they should behave as such.
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    There is absolutely no reason they SHOULD help you. Like any gift, they decide what they want to do with their money. And their time. But it is not up to you to say, well since they can take a vacation this year, they have enough money to have helped us. An actual marriage ceremony generally costs under $100, license, courthouse or city hall. The reception is a big party. And they seem to think that as a pair of adults, you are capable of planning and paying for a wedding you can afford. Which is the case with most of us. We worked a huge number of extra hours to pay off grad school loans, in the 16 months between our first meeting, and wedding. And when each of us had done that, we started a wedding account, 15K we worked hard for. Maybe they feel they worked hard most all their lives for what they want, and you can do the same. If their business reached bankruptcy, they may have some savings personally, but little reserves. You need not invite guests they request that you do not know or like. But you should not EXPECT gifts. Be happy when you get them, but you are only entitled to what you work for yourselves.😊 It is nice that your mom does take an interest in the wedding, and that she finds many ways to be helpful. Her gift to you, her choice. Just do not expect tit for tat, your side does this, so the other side must do that. It does not work that way. Except on unreality TV and movies.
  • Ana
    Savvy October 2020
    Ana ·
    My mother is the same way. She punches pennies and it helping me with my dress. My FW’s family works in the oil field and had literally hundreds of thousands saved up. They paid for my FBIL wedding and honeymoon full out and gave them the down payment for their house. We get zero assistance. They will not help pay for the wedding at all, let alone anything else. I feel for you, because I’m there too. Ultimately, we told them they don’t get a say in any decision making, and we will see them at the wedding. I’m sorry love
  • Jasmine
    VIP August 2020
    Jasmine ·
    View Quoted Comment

    Very good point! Thanks

  • Jasmine
    VIP August 2020
    Jasmine ·
    View Quoted Comment

    I agree wholeheartedly. I definitely wasn't expecting it but yes, we are working toward it. It's just my upbringing and I was legit curious.

  • Jasmine
    VIP August 2020
    Jasmine ·
    View Quoted Comment

    That's insane! We never planned on making them feel like they need to help, I just didn't understand as to why a parent wouldn't even at least bring it up to their kid, ya know. Even if we declined. I know we will make it work one way or another and I know you lovely ladies will too!

  • Sarah
    Dedicated October 2019
    Sarah ·
    I asked my FH to ask his parents very casually. I just wanted to know whether or not we had any extra money to budget, and when they said they were not financially able to help it was at least one less thing that I had to think about. If they don’t feel like they’re able to help, just leave it at that and move on.
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    One thing I read but did not respond to above. We got any help we asked for to do things, but coming from large families, parents were struggling with undergrad for 3 in my family, and medical school assistance for two, to cut their total, white we were 26-27, had worked a few years after first college, before grad. Both sides were offering to pay more to help. But each of us had two 19-22 yr old siblings marry in the 5 months before us. They needed help more, financially. But what you were saying, your mom had less resources, other children meaning long term expense, but did what she could. While his patents, with only 1 child, mo help. I laughed when my sister, coming from parents who always provided enough, inc. full tuition for undergrad for 9 , but still offers to do things at least, who married an only child of inherited wealth type parents, raised with nannies, household help, who did nothing, offered to pay for stuff couple did not want ( upgrade to $100 bottles of champagne , pricey bar liquors, and a huge list of people not known to son that they wanted invited. At some point her fiancé got exasperated with there willingness to part with $30 K in pricey liquor, but not help with anything in the couple's 20 K expenses, or just help. And sisters FMIL said to sis and FH, we don't know why you expect help from us, just because her family is doing things ( 5 of us sibs did things like I made bridal gown and MOH dresses, brother in catering contributed all baked goods and cake, parents let them have wedding on their property, supplied dishes for 150 etc. On and on, help where not money.). She said, and as for this only child thing, we wanted only one child because we never wanted to devote our lives to taking care of kids. That is why you had nannies and the best boarding schools, before grandparents paid for college. it her family, they have 9 kids, they must like them, and want to do things for them all their lives... Sis decided our family was "better off" than her FI's, if not in bank balance, in everything else!
  • Victoria
    Super May 2019
    Victoria ·
    They aren’t obligated to pay for your wedding, even if they can afford it. Don’t bring it up! What they spend their money on is none of your business. I hope everything works out!
  • Tara
    Master May 2020
    Tara ·
    Um no, do not get into their financial business. It’s none of your concern. Continue to say no to their guest request who you don’t want there.
  • Yoice
    VIP March 2019
    Yoice ·
    I personally think it depends on the relationship your fiancé has with his family. You shouldn’t get involve but is only his place to say something if he feels he should. I personally have a really close relationship with my parents and if that were my parents I would make a comment. Yet they’re not obligated to pay or help around but if they have the means they can help but they also need to have the desire to do so. I would leave it up to fiancé.
  • Porterpoppin
    VIP March 2019
    Porterpoppin ·
    Similar situation here as my mom is the main person helping us out though she is not single and all of us are grown 🤷🏽‍♀️ Still she’s the only one truly contributing. I’d leave it alone at this point unless your FH is bothered by it and decides to talk to his parents about it himself. On the other hand, those extra guests his parents added would be a NO unless FH truly wanted them there.

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