Mrs.Wife
Super October 2017

The flower girl's siblings...

Mrs.Wife, on November 11, 2016 at 2:49 PM Posted in Planning 0 34
Saved
Reply

Please tell me if I'm overthinking this. I know it's too early to finalize the wedding party but FH and I have pretty much known who we want in every role since before we were engaged.

We decided that around Christmas, we will ask his 3year old cousin to be our flower girl. The issue is, she has two older siblings one of which has begged us to be a jr bridesmaid. I have made it clear we aren't having jr bridesmaids and only want 1 FG, but this is still a topic she brings up every time we see her. To make it worse when she asks, FH tells her "maybe" and/or that she should ask me. (He feels bad for telling her no)

Would it be rude to go ahead and ask her sister to be our FG? Or should we go a different direction? I feel like this would put their parents in a tough spot. Having to explain that we don't want her, but we want her sister.

This seems so minor but I've been stressing for months over this. I don't want any animosity with my new family. Any parents dealt with this before?

34 Comments

Latest activity by Nancy, on November 19, 2016 at 10:10 PM
  • Jenny
    VIP December 2016
    Jenny ·
    • Flag

    I think if the older sister is really excited about being in the wedding, it would be heartbreaking for her to be excluded but her little sister invited.

    • Reply
  • Midwest May
    VIP May 2016
    Midwest May ·
    • Flag

    As the parent, I would regretfully decline my daughter taking the flower girl role. There is no way I would subject either daughter to favoritism if one or both had a problem with it. And obviously the older one would have a problem.

    • Reply
  • Katherine
    VIP June 2017
    Katherine ·
    • Flag

    For a similar reason we are having 2 FGs and 2 RBs. They are two brother/sister sets, both dads are groomsmen. I couldn't bear the thought of picking one set of siblings over the other, it didn't seem fair. I also have two little girls I used to nanny for being junior BMs, so I asked their brother to light the candles at the beginning of the ceremony. I'm all for inclusion and making kids feel special. This is something they'll remember for the rest of their lives. I would definitely include any of those three siblings that wanted to be involved.

    • Reply
  • Natasha
    VIP January 2017
    Natasha ·
    • Flag

    Its tough when your dealing with children, so if I were you I would include both of them or neither.

    • Reply
  • Mrs.Wife
    Super October 2017
    Mrs.Wife ·
    • Flag

    That's what I was afraid of. My solution was maybe ask her to hand out programs (which seems like a sub par consolation prize) some kind of way to include her.

    The backup plan is one of my BMs has a daughter and son and ask them. they are out only family I know that has just one boy and one girl.

    • Reply
  • FreshToDeathAng
    Master September 2016
    FreshToDeathAng ·
    • Flag

    I don't know - the way you've described it makes me weary on my answer.

    On the one hand, I think it's important for kids to learn that they can't always get their way, being told no is important. On the other hand, the way you've described this situation, does make me feel sad because it sounds like you don't really care at all about this other little girl.

    For perspective, I have 12 nieces and nephews between my husband's family and my own. We chose one on either side of our family. We were not picking favorites, and the siblings of the others and parents understood. We couldn't choose all (that's a zoo) and we didn't want nothing - they represented something really important to us.

    So I really don't know how to answer your question based on your tone...I'm torn.

    • Reply
  • Brittny
    Super June 2017
    Brittny ·
    • Flag

    I am having my little cousin be a flower girl and FH's sister's boys as ring bearers. She has a beautiful 3yr old girl and 2 boys between 6 and 8. I didn't want to pick one boy so I am having 2 ring bearers, (one hold the rings and one holding a cute rustic sign). We will be paying for the accessories and her plane tickets. At first I was thinking just one boy but they seem so excited and I'm more than happy to have both. Is there a specific reason why you wouldn't be able to have her be a flower girl? Maybe not jr bridesmaid but would it harm anything to have 2 flower girls? Or all 3? I would talk to the parents.

    • Reply
  • Mrs.Wife
    Super October 2017
    Mrs.Wife ·
    • Flag

    @FreshToDeathAng it's not that I don't care about her. If I didn't care, I wouldn't be torn in my decision. But she can be a handful. Not a bad kid at all, just all over the place.

    Plus I don't want my bridal party to explode. it's 3 siblings. So if I put her in I then I would also be obligated to add the middle sister. 3 children in the wedding party before we even get to the grooms side gives me anxiety.

    • Reply
  • FreshToDeathAng
    Master September 2016
    FreshToDeathAng ·
    • Flag

    Yeah, I understand that sentiment.

    How old is she?

    • Reply
  • Casie
    Super December 2016
    Casie ·
    • Flag

    That's why we're having 2 flower girls. I can't ask one without the other especially if she's all excited about it. Let the girl be a junior bridesmaid. It's not gunna hurt anyone.

    • Reply
  • Mrs.Wife
    Super October 2017
    Mrs.Wife ·
    • Flag

    She will be either 12 or 13 by the time of the wedding.

    I thought about naming her "wedding coordinator" and she could greet people , hand out programs (which we don't want, but thought it was worth the money to make her feel included) stand close while we cut the cake etc.... but didn't want it to seem like we wanted to make her work all day.

    • Reply
  • FreshToDeathAng
    Master September 2016
    FreshToDeathAng ·
    • Flag

    No I wouldn't do that.

    I mean, I think she's a little too old to be a flower girl. And I also think she's a little too old that if she can't understand she doesn't always get her way in life, then there's a problem.

    But I also feel like she could just be treated as a junior bridesmaid and leave it alone.

    I may have the Unpopular Opinion - But I think some brides and grooms go a little to the extreme to try to please everyone in their families with FG / RB choices, and I just think it's a little much. I think it's unreasonable that parents are offended by their child not being "the chosen one"

    • Reply
  • Holly
    Super February 2017
    Holly ·
    • Flag

    If you have the option of using a different girl and her brother, that might be a better option.

    Here is my reasoning: 1. As a mother myself, if I had 2 daughters in the same predicament, I would decline the offer. I certainly hope that if you decide to chose the one and not the other, there is a discussion with her parents before it's even MENTIONED to the 3-year-old. The last thing you want to do is make the parents the bad guys by telling the little girl that she can't do it because of her sister. Wow, as I'm typing this, the scenario gets worse and worse in my head!

    2. My cousin got married when I was around 10 years old. I have 2 cousins (her sisters) who were 7 and 4 at the time. They were flower girls (though one still carried the ring pillow). I was asked to hand out programs. I was devastated that I wasn't a Jr BM. And I still remember it to this day.

    Use both of them (FG and JBM) or neither.

    • Reply
  • snowangel
    Super March 2017
    snowangel ·
    • Flag

    In this situation I wouldn't split up the sibling group because you know it's going to cause tension. Since your FH keeps telling her "maybe," is it possible he wants her to be involved in some way? If you're going to go through all the trouble of calling her a "wedding coordinator" just let her be a junior bridesmaid. I would also include the middle sister too as either a second flower girl or another junior bridesmaid depending on her age. Three kids can be a lot for a bridal party, but it seems like if you want the 3 year old in the wedding it's going to come with strings attached since it would be hard to put the parents in that situation.

    • Reply
  • Hannah
    Dedicated March 2017
    Hannah ·
    • Flag

    As the middle of three siblings, I can say that selecting one of us and not the one who really wanted to be involved would have caused a lot of hurt between us and my parents would have been very upset. While we are aware life is not fair, they always tried to make things as even as possible between us so none of us felt less loved than the others.

    I can understand wanting to keep a bridal party small but are photos with this flower girl really worth hurting her sister's feelings? Because I can tell you, I would have taken it personally if it had happened to me.

    • Reply
  • Midwest May
    VIP May 2016
    Midwest May ·
    • Flag

    Okay, I retract my earlier post. I thought we were talking maybe a 5-8 year old wanting to be included. 13 is old enough to understand and handle the disappointment.

    • Reply
  • Seale
    Master November 2017
    Seale ·
    • Flag

    I got lucky with a single nephew and niece on my side and none on FH's side. However, I wouldn't be asking one to be involved without asking the others. Especially if one was expressing interest in being in the wedding. It would be an all or nothing deal for me.

    • Reply
  • BlueHenBride
    Master March 2017
    BlueHenBride ·
    • Flag

    We decided to choose just one FG and one RB. We chose two girls to fill these roles, and no boys. Both girls have siblings. However, none of the siblings are in a position to feel jealous.

    Our FG is the daughter of one of my cousins. She has a younger sister and an older brother. The older brother is in his early teens and old enough to prefer not being RB. Choosing between the two girls was a no trainer to me. The older daughter has always been my shadow at family events and I have a close relationship with her. The younger sister is 3 and is pretty shy around me. She's also not quite old enough to feel slighted. Plus, she was just the sole FG in my other cousin's wedding in September, so it's like each girl gets her own wedding to be FG.

    Our RB is the daughter of very close friends of ours (she's obsessed with wedding rings). She just got a baby brother, who will be 4 months old when we get married. I guarantee there will be no jealousy there.

    If we thought there would be jealousy among the siblings or other family members with kids, we would have considered other options.

    • Reply
  • J
    Dedicated September 2017
    Jessica ·
    • Flag

    For the same reason we are having 3 FGS and 3 bridesmaids that way everyone is included in the families and no one feeling left out

    • Reply
  • Mrs.Wife
    Super October 2017
    Mrs.Wife ·
    • Flag

    Thank you for all your opinions. I tend to make issues where there are none so I appreciate knowing that my gut feeling was right. Having one sister in the wedding and leaving the other 2 out would be awful for them.

    Our budget was the other issue. We agreed to pay for all expenses related to having children in our wedding party. I think paying for 3 dresses/sets of accessories instead of 1 was my main reservation for not including all of them to begin with.

    But I might just bite the (financial) bullet and let them all in anyways. I do feel for her. Another family member is getting married and she is upset that her cousin is a jr bridesmaid and she wasn't asked. Knowing that this is the reason she wants in our wedding so bad hits me right in the feels.

    • Reply

You voted for . Add a comment 👇

×

Related articles

WeddingWire celebrates love ...and so does everyone on our site! Learn more

Groups

WeddingWire article topics