The DREADED "plus one" - why people want one, and learning to graciously decline.

3. Some of the younger people who want to bring "plus ones" want to feel accepted. No one want's granny coming up to you and asking you why you don't have a date, or asking "when's it your turn." A date can help avoid that situation.

4. Weddings are, in a singles mind, a great place to get the introductions of the new bf/gf to the whole family at once. They've been dating for a few months maybe, and believe that it is about time to do so.

Most of the time the people who invite 1s don't realize what an inconvenience it is. That is why most will understand if you tell them no with a good reason, like budget, space, or seating. They just never realize all that goes into a wedding and how this is the monkey wrench that gets thrown in.

(con't)

A gentile way of un-inviting the "plus one" is to call the person and say "Due to (budget or space) constraints, and given that we didn't know about (date's name) before hand, we cannot have them at the wedding at this time. We will do our best to accommodate (date's name) should there be room after all of the responses have been collected.

So well put.. I have been excepting Plus ones all over the place which we are fine with.. The only one that really got me was a friend of mine who has 2 adult daughter that I really have only seen 2 or 3 times and their names were not on the invite.. well my friend text'd me and asked if her girls could bring their boyfriends.. so that invite went from 2 to 6... I told her we will have to see because of the fact we still have guests RSVP'ing and just yesterday got 4 more yeses from out of country gruest.. But really from 2 to 6?? Common!!!

Out of country guests*

I wasn't implying you have to let them be there because of these reasons. I was merely trying to give some insight into the single mind.

And the way I phrased the end response to this issue, is meant so that you never really have to invite the plus one (you can get those B-lister's on instead), but it makes the guest feel that you genuinely care about their situation, whatever it may be. If you can invite them later on, that is great, but if you cannot, you have already explained your self once before and there is no need for a second phone call.

This is very helpful....well your post shares my sentiment...I would LOVE to invite the plus one....but inviting them means that I cannot invite half the people I want to be there.... and like Unique said... I had to cut my list of ppl I actually wanted there..

I think the case of the 1 depends. I'm recently engaged, and I took my FH to a wedding as a 1. Now, if we hadn't been dating seriously, or engaged, I would have never dreamed of it. And if there was a financial problem, then I would have opted to not go at all and send a gift instead.

I agree that a lot of singles who want a plus one just dont understand...so if you explain it to them, they are often cool with it.

however, I was at a wedding last night where I wish a guest had been given a plus one. He was there on his own, knew the bride from college, but didnt seem to really know anyone else there. I did see him talking to one girl from the bridal party, but it was obviously more of a catch up convo-not a were actually friends combo. He was sat at our table with a bunch of our friends (mostly single too)...he was very nice and did well, but it was just awkward for him to be at our table where we ALL knew each other except for him. I believe he left fairly early on in the evening. I think for those few guests who arent going to know anyone else-they should get a plus one

I agree @bluedaisy, and really believe that "plus one" depends on the situation. But that being said, that is up to each bride and groom and how they decide to handle it. I just think people should understand why guests add "plus ones" and not get angry, just make a decision and explain the situation.

Michelle- there is a difference between a 1 and a significant other. We are inviting the long term partners of close friends even if we don't know them well. But I'm sure as heck not coughing up my hard earned money so you can see what the guy you met 2 weeks ago in a bar looks like in a suit...

I'm sure I'll have to phrase it with a little more tact than that- but you get the idea.

We are making exceptions for a person or two we know that knows no one else, but most of our guests know each other.

I'm trying to spread the word in advance that we're not doing plus-ones. Yes, you can bring your steady, but I'm not able to disinvite my college roommate so my fiance's cousin can bring some girl he met on match.com last week.

I think if the expectation is already set, and word is spread, it makes it easier.

Fortunately, most of our single guests already know each other and will be fine. Since we have a few singles coming from out of town, I'm going to ask a couple locals to organize a 'pre-party' happy hour just before the ceremony, so there's a welcome committee for the out of towners.

Wow, I didn't even know it was "dreaded!" We automatically told everyone on our list they could bring a guest. I've been to weddings where I didn't know any one and it would have sucked so much worse if I didn't have a date. I'd rather have my guests enjoy themselves than worry about the cost or the seating chart, but that's just me.

@Ava - sometimes there are considerations that aren't related to the cost or seating.

In my case, our venue fits 75 (due to remodeling, we used to have room for 85). So a plus-one means a minus-someone else. So we have to be very careful.

The second consideration is that I would have serious stage fright if I had to get married while being stared at by a bunch of random strangers. That's one reason we're having a small wedding - we want only people we actually know and care about to be there. (We're friends, or friendly with, just about all of our friends' significant others).

@Ava sounds like ur post coming from a really kind heart, which I have too but not the pocket to back it up. Thats why we only invite persons in groups. church frens,school frens, family, so everyone was bunched together the only outsiders were SOs of the bridal party, who I was telling them that they dont need dates, there is no after party so after the wedding u go straight home, so you dont need to bring someone who u wont talk to for the entire day n they'll feel awkward. but I love this post!!!

*Bump*

I really like hearing everyone's opinions, and I'm thinking about putting this all in a book - "The Bride's guide to a Low-Stress Wedding"

I have been debating this too. Several of my single girlfriends I'm sure would love to bring a date to show off, but I dont' want Joe Schmoe at our wedding. Our guest list is 50 people, and no more, so I don't want to have to add random people I've never met and remove my good friends. I've told the girls in advance that since there will be other single girls there that they know, they'll be seated together with a few of the single guys from FS's side, but unfortunately will not be able to bring a guest.

Very well put.

We planned our list very carefully- everyone who had a significant other (even if it's not long term) we gave a plus one, and to the two friends of ours who dont know anyone else, we also gave a plus one. However, all of our single friends who know a lot of people, we did not. In all fairness, I do not mind adding a plus one if I didnt realize that one my guests had a bf/gf, or a child. However, FH's aunt adding her sister and sister's husband really rubbed me the wrong way.

As Miss Manners points out, weddings are a social event at which single people can meet other single people with whom they have friends in common. Thus the rationale that a single person who doesn't know others at the wedding will be unable to have a good time doesn't hold much water with me. I know when I was single, I always looked forward to meeting the groomsmen. :p

Also, while I am sympathetic to people not realizing that it is rude to ask for a date (as if the wedding were not going to be entertainment enough)--it's still rude. It's almost never acceptable to answer rudeness with rudeness, so yes, one should be gracious when refusing. But I wish that more people knew it was rude and therefore avoided doing it in the first place.

I like that advise, will definitely use it b/c I know where will be some willing to bring more people!

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Our venue space is very limited and I just feel it will be crowded as it is so there is no way we can accomodate unexpected guests.