Rehearsal dinner drama

Inviting out of town guests to the rehearsal dinner is standard.

If if it out of the budget that find a different place to host it.

I thought the dinner was mainly for those in the wedding, and some "VIP" people (I.e. your grandparents). There are other restaurant in your town I"m sure, why can't the OOT guests eat there? You'll be serving them at the wedding, etc...

I would explain to your mother that it's not feasible due to your budget. Asket her is she has the money to pay for the extra guests

I agree with you Mona.

...I also thought that the rehearsal dinner was for the BP...I am with Mona on this one. Hope this doesn't sound mean, but since when do the bride/groom pay for guest meals all weekend?

Hmm, I've never heard that you're supposed to invite out of town guests to the rehearsal dinner. I know for a fact that at least two of the weddings I've been an OOT guest at, I wasn't invited to the RD. In fact, the only time I've been to an RD is when I was in the wedding. Explain to your mom that you'll only be having the wedding party and close family at the dinner. If she's still refusing to go to the rehearsal at all (which seems very childish) then... too bad for her.

Oh, and asking her to pay for all the extra people is a good idea too.

The rehearsal dinner is for those who, well, are rehearsing. You do not have to invite out of town guests. If the budget were to allow, then you could invite OOT guests, but it is certainly not expected, nor the norm for most.

Does your mother have to do anything at the wedding other than walk in and sit down? If not, then I'm sure she can do that without rehearsing. So kiss her and say "that's okay mom. Let me know if you change your mind about coming."

As for inviting out of town guests to dinner -- what is standard (in my circles) is that the in-town family offer hospitality to out-of-town family. I'm sure your mom will be hosting them to one or more meals while they are in town, either before the rehearsal or after the wedding, or for breakfast, lunch, or tea in between. It would be great if in-town aunts or cousins or family friends who are not involved in the rehearsal could offer the hospitality of a meal for the night of the rehearsal dinner when you are busy. But if not, you can offer them an apology, and recommend some good restaurants.

Thanks for the advice! I have known other people who invited the OOT guests, but they were having an extravagant wedding and more money to spend. Aspasia, I totally agree about offering the hospitality. And the thing is my mother doesn't even live in town, nor do I or my fiance have any other family here so we are hosting everybody. We are doing unity candles so my FH will be escorting our mothers in and they will be lighting our candles for us. I totally agree that if she wants the OOTs to come that badly and she won't help pay, then that is too bad for her. Thanks ladies!!

Here are two links to articles on the subject. I think this topic also falls into the category of regional/cultural differences. Whenever I have gone out of town for a wedding, I have been welcomed by a gift bag with treats/necessary wedding info & info re the town I was visiting. I was also entertained on the night before the wedding either via the Rehearsal Dinner, or by the host/hostess of the wedding(usually parents). In addition, at my first wedding, all out of town guests were invited to our rehearsal dinner, which was hosted by my ex mother-in-law.

The thought behind it is your out of town guests have already incurred a significant cost to attend your wedding, such as travel expense and hotel stays. Some cultures/regions even extend this to include a Sunday brunch.

http://www.foreverwed1.com/articles/rehearsal/12548a.html

http://weddings.about.com/od/showersandparties/a/RehearsalDinner.html

Jessica R. - If that is standard then a LOT of people who've had weddings I've attended lately need to send me a dinner gift card... just sayin'. One other wedding where I was much closer to the bride (big sister in our sorority), I was invited to the rehearsal dinner. I also flew in from Italy for that one so I think she felt obligated after the 1000$ plane ticket.

That being said, we are having a wedding that will be a destination wedding for all of our families. Not sure what to do on that account, is the etiquette different? I don't really want to have EVERYONE at the rehearsal dinner, wouldn't that just be a repeat of the wedding??

Just found this:

Also, you can hold the rehearsal dinner on the early side, and then include a note in your invitations saying "If you're in town the night before the wedding, we'd love to see you! We'll be at the East Side Pub after 9 pm – please join us if you can make it." A nice touch is to get the bar to provide pub snacks and appetizers to your guests, which will still be less expensive than providing them dinner.

From one of the article's in Carole B's post.. thanks for the fantastic idea! I think I might go this route!

Thank you for the sites Carole. I made sure to have info about the whole area available for the guests: entertainment, shopping, restaurants, all the accommodations you can think of. The bag of treats is an excellent idea. I definitely plan on having a brunch the day after with everyone

We are also having a DW. The wedding weekend begins on Friday evening. We are all staying at the same inn. We are doing a Welcome Dinner for all of our guests. Naturally, it will be more laid back than our reception.

Rebecca, that is a really good question, I am not really sure. My friedns sister just had a destination wedding and the guests not invited to the RD enjoyed themselves by being tourists.

I completely understand cost issues. I wasn't even going to have a rehearsal dinner! My aunt told me she'd talk to the family and find someone's house near the chapel to have a reception BBQ, though. It takes the strain off of the huge cost issue because buying soda, beer, and hot dogs is a LOT cheaper than buying everyone a sit-down dinner. Your mom also sounds like my mom, except my mom keeps inviting people to my wedding without my permission. I swear I could scream sometimes about that one. We wanted a wedding of 85 TOPS. And now I think my invite list is about 110. I hope your mom can be understanding and offer to pay for them if she is determined to have OOT guests at the reception dinner. Otherwise, tell her to stop behaving immaturely and be gracious SHE is invited to the rehearsal dinner. Best of luck!!!

Im in the same boat. My fiance and I are paying for everything and we have a lot of out of town people coming in and there is no way we can afford to pay for them too its bad enough with our large weeding party on our bill. We talked about an informal bbq but no one really has a house big enough and we're all staying at a hotel the night before the wedding so that would leave all the clean up to someone else. We payed for our engagement dinner and had only like 4 extra people and no liquor and it was so expensive. Im struggling with this too if anyone has any good ideas besides just paying for it.

I agree with Carole that this is regional. I have a lot of people coming in for my wedding, and if we invited them all to the RD is would be about 65% of the people coming. In my family, and the circle of friends I have, the RD is the wedding party and immediate family. Having said this, my RD is at 50 people. (our invite list is 185) I would tell your mother, that though you appreciate her generousity with family and her wish to see them, it doesn't fit with what you can presently afford and would ask that she respect your descision on your event, but if she can't you will see her the next day at the wedding. Be respectful but firm.

To hell with standard and tradition. Do what you want, and what you're able to do. As I've said a few times on this forum, those who truly come to support you will not be bothered by what you can't provide. If your guest come from out of town, their selfless inclusion shows that they are coming to support you or your FH; not their need for free meals, free alcohol, and gifts. Don't let it stress you. At the very least, ask your mom if she is willing to cover the extra cost. Good luck!

I guess I can be grateful that there will be no rehearsal and all my OOT guests will be arriving the morning of the wedding!

The one wedding I did spend a weekend in Chicago for however, we were invited to the Rehearsal Dinner, but it was my brother so that could be why, we are family, and he didn't want my then 78 yr old mom alone in the (horrible) hotel we were in.

Personally, I like the idea of inviting them to the restaurant for snacks later if they care to join you, but according to etiquite you are supposed to invite all OOT's to the RD. Just sayin' not that you have to. They should understand your budget as well, but they too are spending money to attend, it's a tough choice to make.