Question about offended guests

Some guests just care a lot about tradition and etiquette, I don't really know how to explain why some people get offended by things and others don't. I do think generation and region make a difference though.

For me, as long as someone's feelings aren't being hurt/ignored (and you're not intentionally going out of your way to inconvenience your guests) etiquette isn't a huge deal to me. That being said I know people who get all bent out of shape if you use an address label for invitations. I think it all just comes down to personality and preference?

The bar issue is regional/cultural. I've been to maybe one event with an open bar.

As far as gifts go. Asking for cash would be considered rude where I am, because you're specifying and not giving any options. It's also considered rude, because if you say cash only(or a variant of it) on your website or anything not word of mouth, you're telling people exactly what to get you before they even ask, which is expecting a gift. The invitation, food, and drinks are voluntary on the bride and groom's part. Your guests didn't tell you to have a wedding and make the food and drink choices for you. You chose to spend that money. So you spending that money doesn't entitle you to get offended if someone doesn't want to give you cash. Likewise you shouldn't tell your guests what to get you. Registries offer choices. It's not one specific thing. That's the way it is here, so I have a hard time not thinking it's rude. Heck I've seen people stop planning baby showers, because

Because in some regions and in some cultures, it's considered rude to do something like invite someone to a party and expect that person to pay for liquor. I admit that sometimes, I think of it as more "party-pooped" or "disappointed" or doing a double take than "offended" per se, but I think that's generally what I mean by it.

The mother-to-be didn't know about it and started telling people they needed to plan her one or what so and so should get her. Same with bridal showers. It's not just money. I mean my SIL specified a specific physical gift, and since she did we don't want to get it for her because she told us what to get her. We didn't ask her. She just assumed we would buy it if she told us that's what she wanted.

It's not just etiquette, & I dont even agree with some of it. But, it's also that, while the guests are coming to the wedding for the B&G, they are also spending up to 1k, maybe more, for travel fare, hotel, food, driving gas, etc. Plus, the ceremony IMO is for the B&G, but the reception is for everyone else. Yes you decorate to your taste, you choose what you'll have or do, but really, you're hosting one huge party, for everyone else.

So it's really just common courtesy to try to keep guests happy, not offended, b/c they pay for alot to come out & see B&G get married. You cant please everyone tho...

I'm on that cusp of that generation thing and in the Philly Area where a lot of people still stand on ceremony. I look at each wedding individually. If the couple is young and just starting out (paying for the wedding themselves) I personally have no problem with a cash bar. BUT, there is a limit - don't ask me to pay for my drinks if you are wearing a 3K dress and have 3k in flowers and a 10K engagement ring on your finger.

Registry, again case by case. Trying to buy a house - then I'm all for a cash registry. Me paying for your over the top honeymoon ain't gonna happen.

Invites - yes this one bugs the crap out of me. Print them on the envelope not a label. It takes an extra 5 minutes. I don't know why that one bugs me but it does. LOL And having the envelope properly addressed too - DH received an invite to a wedding about a year ago and it was addressed to Mr. Marie S.'s Husband and GUEST. We've lived together for 5 years and had been together for 7. Rude, Rude, Rude..

"Plus, the ceremony IMO is for the B&G, but the reception is for everyone else."

This, too! I believe the reception is a thank you for your guests for making the effort to celebrate your wedding, and therefore I'm uncomfortable asking them to pay for any part of it.

Things I don't care about are like I mentioned above... Address labels. I once saw someone get torn apart on a message board because she wanted to include a poem on her invite. I thought that was ridiculous, but again, to each their own I suppose.

ETA: the and guest would bother me in that scenario too!

Thank you for the responses! Pan, that explanation about the gifts actually makes a lot more sense. Normally the only explanation I see is "it's tacky," which doesn't really explain much.

And it double-posted. Stupid phone...

Amy!!!!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU FOR POSTING THIS!!!!

I really don't get it either! The only thing I can understand is not asking for cash because most people see that rude across the board. But as far as all the little nit picky things people are tied up about, my decision has been to just let it go! If someone is offended by something silly then they must not have been there sincerely in the first place so I'm not worrying about it.

The gift thing bugs me because I've seen brides on here that seemed obsessed with making sure guests give cash. Too focused on the money and not enough appreciation. IME people don't act like that at other gift giving occasions, you accept what you get and move on. Not sure what is it about weddings that can make certain brides come across very greedy.

I don't know about elsewhere. That's just the mindset I grew up around. The fastest way to get less cash or no cash gift from someone here is to make it clear you only want cash to all your guests. It's a blue collar community, so seeming to feel entitled doesn't go over well because people work hard for not very much. The mindset is basically along the lines of if you care more about what you get than that someone actually went to the trouble of getting you something at all, than you don't really deserve a gift.

I figure weddings and job interviews are the most culturally regimented things any of us do. We don't really come with such fixed expectations about other parts of our lives, but with weddings we "know" exactly how everything is supposed to be. Anything that violates our expectations offends us, even if we're not sure why.

Honestly?

1. Most of us think the world revolve around us LOL. We all get so caught up in things that to the majority of the world is seriosly just nonsense. Not that its wrong for us to care this much about our weddings...but our society in general is just very greedy and doesnt like to be incovienced in any way.

2. We want to please everyone which is an impossible feat.

3. We can't help it. We are shaped this way from birth and everything in our society tells us this is how its suppose to be. Be thinner,prettier,richer, taller,shorter, more successful, perfect parent,perfect spouse etc etc. Its impossible. Since it is impossible someone is always going to "be offended" instead of just accepting the fact we are all different.

4. We forget to put ourselves in other shoes.

It amazes me too how some people act. If I am a guest anywhere I have been trained to be gacious and happy with someone wanting me to be there. If I get freebies like food thats just a bonus.

The asking for $$ thing is just rude. Like it or not, it always was & always will be. Sorry.) Cash bars could be a regional thing, but in some 700 weddings here, I have never seen one. I've seen limited bars (which says "we're hosts within our means"), but never a cash bar, (which to me says "your expenses aren't over yet).

I think it's also offensive when a giant chunk of the bucks go towards one thing to enhance the show without regard to the guests; ei, a very expensive dress and a very minimal meal.

What I REALLY think is that the whole wedding experience has become such a form ego gratification that the mere notion of getting married without uplights or STD's or hand tied hemp bouquets is inconceivable & horrifying. The bar is set so impossibly high that we're told it's impossible to have a nice party without dropping enough money to buy a car. We have to have so much stuff along the way that when when the day comes, we have run out of budget. The key is balance

Very few of my couples have parents that pay. It's 2013.....doesn't happen.

Some of us, as parents, do pay for the wedding. My ex-husband, his wife and I paid for my daughters wedding and I paid for the honeymoon. So, there are parents who do foot the bill. Carole and her ex and DH paid for her daughters wedding.

The only thing, in the original question, that "offends me" is being asked for a gift, monetary or otherwise. A registry is expected. Guests can view it and purchase what they want (and/or can afford.). Some guests and my daughters wedding I'd not bring a gift. No big deal. They were invited because she and her DH wanted them to share in their day. Of course, then there was an amazing gift of a beautiful crystal vase from a high end jeweler in the city, from a couple who could not attend.

The reason someone would get offended is because it's along the lines of demanding a specific gift.

We make registries and people can search them out but it gives choices. But say Christmas is coming up and your cousin calls you to demand you give her money, without even knowing she was getting a gift in the first place, wouldn't you kind of think well that was rude to just demand I give her money!

That's why, as a guest if I want to give money I will, I shouldn't have to be told I have no other choice.

I don't know... Isn't putting a registry on your website kinda asking for gifts too? I mean, the cash request is usually in the exact same spot a registry would be in. And technically, since you aren't being told how much money to give, you do still have options.

Note: I want registry stuff more than cash, personally. This isn't something I'm planning on doing or anything. I'm just trying to understand the logic behind getting offended over it.