Question about offended guests

"[I]t seems like bad etiquette on the guests' part to get upset at someone who's inviting them to a party, giving them free food, and trying to share their special day with them."

Etiquette relates to what you do or say, not to what you think. So someone being offended is never rude. Someone telling you they are offended may indeed be rude. It's one of the reason that people warn others here about things that may be offensive: because etiquette would prevent your guests from telling you, if they are in fact offended.

On the cash bar thing, I was brought up to believe that you don't ask guests to pay for anything--but you also host only what you can afford. So I'm mildly offended by people having a cash bar, but much more offended by people who think it's the couple's duty to provide alcohol, even if they can't afford it. In my view, the solution to the cash bar issue is that those who can't afford to host alcohol provide nonalcoholic beverages, and leave it at that.

(cont.)

Similarly, putting registry information into your invitations, or having a cash registry, just perplexes me. Do couples really believe that their guests will decide not to bring a gift because they can't find a registry? If that were true, we wouldn't have gotten a thing for my first wedding. (In those pre-Internet days, a registry pretty much had to be at a single brick and mortar store, and thus were of no help at all if guests were coming from a different city, so we didn't bother to have one.) The fact is, a guest who wants to give something will either a) give cash, or b) ask what you want. If it is the former, the problem has taken care of itself. If it is the latter, you can direct them to your registry (or say, "Oh, we're just saving up for [goal of your choice}," if what you want is cash) at that time. You'll look a lot classier, and the net result will be the same.

The whole thing is regional. In NYC you won't find a cash bar and people will give cash as a gift. The registry is for the bridal shower not the wedding. It's not telling your guests what to give, it's just the norm here

Honestly, this is a topic I cannot STAND. I'm having this issue with my mom currently. She wants to invite HER first cousins to MY wedding, meanwhile my fiance and I want a small, intimate gathering with AT MOST 130 people. She thinks people will "get offended" if they're not invited. My question is WHY? I literally have met her cousins once in my life, and just because she was invited to their friggin kids weddings doesn't mean I'm inviting them to mine. I say to hell with the friggin "etiquette." Everyone do your own thing, do what makes you both happy, and who cares who gets offended. People are so uptight about all this wedding crap, and I completely agree with Celia that weddings have become a huge ego gratification. Sorry, but I'm NOT going broke for one day in my life. And I don't care who gets offended because my fiance and I, who are paying everything ourselves, cannot afford to invite people we aren't close with. *end vent*

And shout out to Amy N. I finally see another July 2014 bride! I thought I was alone haha

@FutureMrs.Di: I'd recommend not knocking etiquette--at least when it is on your side. LOL Etiquette says that if you are paying, you get to decide the guest list. And it says your mother should butt out (although it probably says this in a much classier way than I just did).

EXACTLY what I think! That's purposely why we're not letting our parents pay. So they have no say in anything Lol I'm knocking it because I hate when people say "it's etiquette to have the brides parents pay..etc." That craps annoying.

Many parents still pay for weddings....

Every single one of my friends had parents pay for wedding. It doesn't matter who pays to host, it is always rude to ask for money...what do you mean why is it rude? If you invited me to your birthday and asked me for money, isn't that rude? If you invited me to a baby shower and asked for money, isn't that rude? If you invited me to your graduation and asked for money, isn't that rude? If we were friends and you told me you wanted money for Christmas, isn't that rude...regardless of the situation, you just don't go around asking people for money. I'm so tired of talking about it, but it's a constant on these message boards. If you ask for money, you're being rude...if you don't care about that, go ahead.

Agree with Stacy. I wouldn't ever ask for money, or anything in particular. I'm making a registry, and whoever gives me money, or things off the registry, is appreciated -- and you won't see me complaining

Ok so I agree that you should not ask for money. I would love to because we have 4 kids and are getting 4 more due to a death in the family. We have a fixer upper house and for obvious reasons we have to add a few rooms. Money we could use more than that bath towel on the registry, but I am doubting that we will get anything anyway. I would love to do a lows or Home Depot registry! lol We both come from a poor family so we will be lucky to get anything. I am more excited about the honeymoon than the gifts that I might get. (no Kids) People should be glad people got them something at all and enjoy their day!!

besides I only did the registry because I her that you can go back after the wedding and get a good deal on the stuff that was not bought

FutureMrsDi, I've seen a few 2014 brides on here. And I totally understand the guest list issue. My mom keeps insisting that people are going to be offended if they're not invited because she had a cousin who wasn't invited to her wedding because they weren't close at all, but then they ran into each other later and it was awkward. My attitude is, if they aren't someone that would not even recognize me if we ran into each other somewhere, why should they be offended at not being invited to my wedding? Fortunately, my family is huge and the reception venue we like isn't really big, so I think we can get away with cutting relatives I don't even know.

@Jesica L.: I'm with you on wishing that Lowe's or Home Depot would have a registry! Actually, Home Depot theoretically did, back when we got married, and we registered with them. However, their registry was a shambles even when they had one. First off, you had to walk around and write down the UPC code for every item you wanted--no scanners. Second, it was in-store only--no one could see it online, and we couldn't manage it online. And third, the employees were so unfamiliar with it that not a single one of our guests was able to find out what was on it, even if they walked into the store. They seem to have discontinued even having a registry now.

However, have you looked at an Amazon registry? It allows you to put anything you can find online--not just stuff available at Amazon--on it. So you can put items from the online Home Depot and/or Lowe's stores onto it.

As for the asking for money thing... I don't know. If someone asks me what I want on any gift-giving occasion and I can't think of any specific gifts, I see no problem with politely saying I'd like money. At least where I'm from, people appreciate having their question answered and don't consider it rude unless you're a jerk about it.

And before someone points out that in the case of weddings, the bride would be telling the guests before they ask, I think that by clicking on the Registry section of the wedding site, they're kinda already asking... I just don't see the difference between asking for money vs asking for a list of household goods. (That said, someone who's unhappy that they received a non-money gift when they asked for money, or vice versa, is a completely different matter. That's just ungrateful and rude.)

I guess I look at things differently......

Nothing offends me about what someone chooses to do for THEIR wedding. I've been to weddings that have had open bars, cash bars and no bars. I give cash even if they have a registry - this way they can get what they want.

I don't understand the mindset that you HAVE to have a registry. Someone like me that's been living on their own for over twenty years - what do I possibly need? I would prefer to give someone something that they want than to buy something they will end up returning or re-gifting but hey, that's just me.

I also don't get who cares about whether the invitation is personally addressed or printed on labels. I guess I just go with the flow of things - whatever makes the couple happy is fine with me.

"The only things that "offend" me at weddings are children. Like, please remove your toddler from the dance floor so I don't have to risk STEPPING ON YOUR CHILD every 6 minutes. "

Yes!! I am having NO children at our wedding... And I have a two year old. She is going to be the flower girl along with my 5 year old neice, and then they are both leaving after some pictures. I have told everyone else their children are not invited, and I've had a few grumbles but if they don't want to get a sitter for the night, they can just not come. I really don't care. I am paying a lot of money for my guests to have a good time and be out on the dance floor, and at every wedding I've been to with kids, they are the only ones dancing because the adults are afraid of stepping on them. And it's cute for like two minutes and then gets boring and everyone leaves early.

Soon to be Mrs B.... i am sooo right their with you... The only thing at a wedding that I may have a problem with is paying for my own meal lol but I would still not be offended. I think some people get offended so easily... I look at things this way -- is it going to have an adverse effect on me? No -- ok get over it! I also only ever give cash, so having someone ask for cash isn't a big deal for me... We didn't register for our wedding... I don't really think that is any different then asking for cash

I don't get offended, but I will say that if it is a cash bar I will not close my gift (money envelope until the end of the night) DH and I give $100 to $150 each as wedding gifts but if we have to pay for our own booze it is coming out of that.

I look at it like paying for your plate and booze x2 (the monetary gift I mean) Now if I have to pay for my own booze the $100 gift each probably becomes more like $75.

Maybe that's rude of me but it's not like they know.

Amy N. I see no problem with putting money on the registry section of your website.

mine said.

" in lieu of gifts we ask for a monetary donation to our savign for a house fund.

If you are a musician and will be playing music for us (many of our friends were) please cosider that our gift as that is the best gift you could give, and if you're just someone who loves shopping we are registered at _______"

Mostly thank you all for the gift our your attendance we love you all.

or somethign similar

Etiquette is what it is. Each culture is different each religion is different. Im having a destination wedding for instance. I am inviting 100 guest. I will not have a registry. One they are paying to fly to my wedding then for lodging and so on and so forth. 2 i dont want to send anything back home. If they can come great but i dont want a thing. I am having a limited bar. no liquor everything else is free game. Kids will be attending. We have 4 kids, our family has been based on children and honestly id rather have my kids there than someone that could careless. I alone will have 35+ children and i say bring it on! Everyone is different and everyone does their own thing. I wouldnt dare judge someone because they are not doing things the way i would.

Wow! All of this is really eye-opening. I didn't know that so many people would take offense to a B&G asking for cash instead of household gifts. The truth is that my FH and I have been living together for about 6 months now and pretty much have everything we need for our household.

I guess my questions is would it be more offensive to leave cash as an option if there's really nothing that you want/need or to return a bunch of gifts you have no use for? I'm a southern girl and my family is a bit more laid back so I'm gonna believe that my family and friends would rather contribute something that they know will be of good use to us rather than not.

Not greedy, just using common sense.