Pushy Mother of Groom

You've lived for free 5 years and are accepting $$ for your wedding? Hmmm. That being said I'd say you should involve her.

Considering you have lived there for five years and they are giving you money for the wedding... yes. My parents want to pay for my wedding and my fiances parents are wanting to pay for part of it. We have decided to accept help (with a limit) from both sides as well as contributing ourselves. I plan on involving both sides in planning the wedding. They are not giving us an amount to put where ever we want, rather offering to pay for certain expenses. So I discuss with which ever party is interested in paying the specifics and if they have any questions, don't want to pay for it, etc then something different can be done.

Each side is giving me a guest list and we will be making sure that if they have little touches they want to include (that we are obviously comfortable with) we will make sure they get to provide those. We do not live with our parents (or even anywhere near them), and are financially seperate from them.

The only issue I have had so far is the FHs parents offered to pay for photography and then wanted to do it themselves to save money. That was taken care of and I still plan on including them to a degree in the planning. I think it is important to remember that these are going to become your mother and father in law and you need to start out on the right foot. Include them in the wedding and make them a part of your big day so they get to enjoy it too, after all they are gaining a daughter. (And yes they probably do think like this first thing my mom said was "Oh we're getting another son!)

You have lived with them for 5 years rent free and you titled the post "pushy mother of groom"

Yes. You need to include them if they want to be included and they are helping you fund the wedding.

Maybe eat some humble pie in the meantime because you sound ungrateful.

I agree with futureMrsMyers, it sounds like your FMIL has been incredibly generous with you. The least you can do is involve them and work together. After all they have put a roof over your head for the past 5 yrs and are helping with the wedding expenses.

Yes, hold on to what really matters to you, be open about the rest.

SHE's pushy? She should have pushed you right outta there.

Instead of viewing this as an impending battle over your wedding, try looking at it as something she is also excited about and would like to be included in. Often picking an aspect you don't care so much about (such as favors, maybe?) and saying, "You can have total control of this element..." is a way to get a control freak happily occupied for a while.

Interesting you think she's being pushy when you lived in her home for 5 years for free and is offering you $5k towards your wedding. While you live there for free did she demand you clean up? Oh the horror of it all. How dare she let you live with her son for 5 years rent free (probably didn't even offer to help) fornicating at will under her roof and eating her food. Honestly, you are worse than the bride who was upset her friends didn't give her any money to pay for her DW.

Wow. Honestly, I think she's just excited about wedding planning and wants to be included, rightfully so since she's invested money into your future. Also, you lived rent FREE FOR FIVE YEARS yet seem to have a sense of entitlement. If you're going to complain about someone helping you out for five years and then give you money for your wedding, then why didn't you save up during those five years and foot the bill yourself? Sorry but Celia Milton is right, she should've pushed your ungrateful ass right outta there!

What?! I missed that thread on the DW....I need to go find it and start ripping....LOL!

This all just seems so horrific... do you really need to ask this question? If so you need to re-read your post and realize how rude you seem.

I think she's spoiled you for living rent free. Let her help!

@MrsA2B, that post was hidden. However, she was all over the place. First, she was mad because she gave people money for their DW and they didn't reciprocate the gift a week before they were leaving. Then it was she's not mad, but felt compelled to call the offender and "correct her" and that's how they do it in her community. When we told her she was selfish and greedy, she disagreed and stated she this was how it's done in her community. She didn't understand that her guests are not required to pay for her wedding.

@KitandKaboodle that "tradition" almost sounds like a Vietnamese thing. I have a friend whose husband is Vietnamese. At their reception they collected/accepted cash from guests which is used to pay for the reception itself (typically held at a restaurant). It's kind of like everyone's gift to the new couple.

*ETA

@KitandKaboodle WOW! the nerve! people like this exist? Based on what you're saying, I am so appalled. This is sickening.

You have lived there for FIVE years rent free?! Wth?!

Since she is giving you money for the wedding, yes I think you should include her. Doesn't mean you have to go with what she says, but make her feel important. She saved you and your FH a ton of money by letting you both live there for so long.

@HoneyLife, that wasn't an issue. The issue was she was upset her guest wasn't giving her enough money (she had an amount that she felt was appropriate) before she left for her DW. We all understood tradition. What we didn't understand was her greedy behavior. So much so, she called the guest and helped her see the error of her ways.

OP sounds like a spoiled child. If you lived with her rent free for 5 years you should include her in your wedding. She should never have let you do that, your adults for god sake, stand up and act like one. I live rent free because I paid off my house! WTF is wrong with people today.

If you're getting married in five months, I would think most of the planning is done. What more is there left to do that you could involve them in? You must have your venue, so that's not an issue. I'd hope you have your photographer or DJ by now. You're getting married in October, and that's a month that fills up fast for wedding vendors (we've been booked up for months now).

In any event, yes, she should be involved in whatever planning is left. You can start by wording the invitations so that both sets of parents receive credit for hosting the event (If they are paying for the entire wedding, just their names. If you and FH are contributing as well, something like this -- "Together with their parents, Put Groom's parents' names and Bride's parents' names, Pam and Mr. Pam, request the honor of your presence, etc.).

If they have friends or colleagues that they'd like to attend, please don't take an "I don't want people I don't know at my wedding" approach. Give them the seats they want. And please, give both of the mothers beautiful corsages or nosegays (tiny bouquets). I know there are brides who don't see the need for corsages, but they are intended to set VIPs apart from the rest of the guests -- and believe me, most middle aged women love them.

And one last thought -- if FMIL was that pushy, you would have been out of her house after three months. Five years? The woman is not pushy. I doubt you have any idea of how the household budget changed because you were there. More food, more hot water, more electricity usage, more wear and tear on the washer/dryer, etc. I'd be very thankful if I were you. Notice it wasn't your mother who allowed you and FH to live rent free for five years under her roof.

I do appreciate her... But isn't it fair to say that she got to have her fun a few years ago when her daughter got married...