Prenup frustrations!

FMS, you make a good point about marriage counseling. Calling attorney in the morning to make sure that is added in to ours.

Aww thanks, Deirdre...I do love his kids a lot! My parents raised my brother and I to just accept people for who they are-but you choose how involved you want to be with them. He knows the only way I would leave was if he abused me or cheated on me. First and foremost, I won't put the kids through another divorce. I think you guys are definitely on with the amount of money being a percentage. And the reason I want something from him to get on my feet is that: a. he's 11 years older than I am so he has the capabilities to do so-his ex was horrible, and I would never treat ANYONE . the way she did him b. I had to give up my career, my assets, and my life to move 3 hours to move in with him. and c. because it's fair! LOL

I LIKE THE % IDEA. I SAY HAVE IT WRITTEN IN THAT YOU RECEIVE THE SAME PERCENT AS YOU CONTRIBUTE THROUGHOUT THE MARRIAGE PLUS WHAT EVER YOU ENTERED TH RELATIONSHIP WITH. OBVIOUSLY IF YOU SOLD SO MUCH TO MOVE TO BE WITH HIM THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE STARTED THE RELATIONSHIP WITH A SIGNIFICANT CONTRIBUTION. YOU CAN SET IT UP SO THAT THE AMOUNT WILL BE DETERMINED BASED ON THE TAX RETURNS FILED THROUGH OUT THE MARRIAGE. IF THIS DOESN'T GET YOU STARTED THEN YOU CAN'T AFFORD THE PURCHASES ON YOUR OWN ANYWAY.

OH AND SORRY ABOUT THE CAPS MY KEYBOARD ISN'T WORKING RIGHT.

He doesn't HAVE to deal with it again. He divorced her. And this is the part that aggravates me and I can never wrap my brain around. He's basically saying I love you but I really don't trust you. I don't understand marrying someone you feel you need to "protect" your kids from. What part of the game is that?

Hope this all works out for you!

Thanks Mary N. Although FH and I never discussed a prenup, That was one point I'd make sure was in it if we had one.

FH and I dont have anything really so we arent bothering with one.

See now I'm heated. Ok so he says any assets he had prior to marriage will remain his. so what about what you gave up to move with him. How are you compensated for that?

@Ladylee-I'll never give 100% of myself to ANYONE. Neither will he. It's just how we are. Although I do trust him 100%-more than my brother or my dad. And since I've seen how he's treated his ex who he can't stand, I know he wouldn't screw me over, but I want it in writing darn it! LOL.

And as for protecting his kids-he wants to make sure he can pay for his kids' college and such. I know a lot of people are against prenups and I'm not-I just want it to be fair to me, too. Like I've said before, I've seen WAY too many marriages go sour. Call me jaded but it is what it is.

Maybe each of you should make a list of what you think you are entitled to if things ended today. Then make everything after the wedding date 50/50. With the house, you could say he is entitled to today's value (say $150k) and you are entitled to half of the difference future value (say $200k, you would get $25k), if that makes sense. I think you might be surprised how close you two are on agreeing.

Ladylee- I do not agree with prenups most of the time, but when a father has kids and wants to make sure that he can raise his kids in the home they know and send them through college just in case the marriage didn't last, I don't think there is anything wrong with that. She is willing to work on a prenup with him and that is her choice. I don't think that was a fair statement. -"I don't understand marrying someone you feel you need to "protect" your kids from"

Ladylee you are crackin me up! Hahaha. For example, he had 2 cars when I moved up here, and we traded in my car with one of his cars for a different car (long story). And I said to him, because we hadn't even been together for a year at this time-what if we break up? And he said I could have the car. So that was fair. I didn't have a TON of assets, but I had a car and I made 3x what I made when I moved here since I had to quit my job. I'm going back to school so I can't get a decent paying job because I've been so frustrated since I moved here. My BA is in Spanish, which is definitely not useful to have in central PA! LOL

I would go with a % also, just incase of inflation- certainly agree on that. I'm a little worried for when our prenup talk surfaces...I know it's coming. (FH's mom is a lawyer, so it's bound to happen)

Lindsay-you are probably right in that FH and I probably closer in line than we realize. Here's the thing about me-I could care less about being "married." However, with me living in his house, I want that legal commitment. I had never wanted to get married until FH, but for insurance and all sorts of other things, it's "easier" to be married.

Deirdre those were Jenn's words not mine. She clearly said he is protective of his finances because of his kids. I have a child of my own and I stand by my words. I don't understand marrying someone I feel like I have to protect my child from. If it was even a fleeting thought, I wouldn't consider marrying him. To each his own. We'll just have to agree to disagree.

Jenn, now the plot just thickened. You say you made 3x more before you moved. How do you dollarize the trade-off? Once you finish school, how does you potential salary compare to what you were making before? Just by moving there, you dramatically decreased your earning potential. This is a slippery slope. I wish you the best. I really hope you don't get screwed.

A lot of the ladies make great points. I agree with not putting a price tag on anything and @Mary N. seems to know her stuff. My suggestion in regards to the house for example would be if he were to sell the house for a bigger one and he were to take money from that house for a down payment (lets use 50k as a round number) but both of your names are on the mortage; if something where to happen then you would get half less the 50k from his house (make any sense?) I think the important thing is just to be honest with him, money is always a touchy subject having too much or not enough!! So just let him know that you understand why he wants to do this (his kids...) but you also gave up a lot to be with him and you need to make sure that you and your future children are protected as well. I think if you express it that way there is no reason why you two couldn't work it out without being nit-picky. Kudos for doing this BTW!

Oh, Jenn, the more you post the more I can relate. FH had already changed his will to make sure I am protected and taken care of if something should happen to him. He is 10 years old than I am. We really did not feel the urgency to get married, but like you said "insurance and all sorts of other things". We love each other and plan to be together forever, so it just made more sense to get married. Sorry it this isn't romantic for most of you, but it is practical and when you get to be my age, practical is also very important.

Ladylee- huh? she didn't say "I don't understand marrying someone you feel you need to "protect" your kids from". You said that. She is explaining that her fiance feels the need to protect his children's financial future in case something were to happen in their marriage that would end it, and clearly she is all for a prenup. The way you made is sound is that he feels she is predatory. Hyphenating words sounds "snotty".

I'm wondering if we can just agree to prenup where I can never touch the boys' college funds. Which is fine with me because I wouldn't do that anyways. I put kids first all the time-whether they're his or not. But that this house we are currently in becomes half mine. I mean, he's paying for EVERYTHING while I'm in school, so he's not stingy with his finances. In general, he's just a very cautious person. He keeps half a year's salary available just in case something were to happen.

Good points, Jaemi.