Prenup frustrations!

On a house and money to furnish the house, as well as receiving the car that I currently drive in his name. I explained to him today that it's fine that he wants to protect himself, but that I'm going to protect myself as well. Part of me wonders if we should just scratch this whole prenup thing altogether, or if we're going to have to get really nit-picky so we're both satisfied.

***Please no comments about how you don't believe in prenups and such, I'm just looking for advice for how to explain my side to him.

I could never imagine having this serious convo with my FH... so I give you credit for trying.

Honestly, I would say to him what you have said to us. Tell him you know how much hurt he went through with his divorce and so even though it's not the easiest reality to face you are willing to do it for him. I would essentially use it as a "bargaining tool" (sounds bad, but you know what I mean). You are willing to go through the time and emotional hassle of a prenup, so he can give you the **** for a downpayment if needed. I heard a guy on the radio talking about prenups, and he said he was willing to throw in a car for his soon-to-be-wife as an incentive for her to sign. Now, I don't want to get too personal depending on how much he makes **** might be a little much. But, either way, it still beats losing 1/2 in a divorce. I would just remind him of that and see where it goes. In the end it might work, or you could decide that a prenup just isn't worth it for you

I think your going to have to be nit picky or scratch it altogether. Obviously because of the past he wants to protect himself but you need to make sure you ask for everything you could possibly need and want if things did ever go wrong. You have to make sure you are going to be properly looked after dont just agree to the bare minimum if you know in the event of things going sour you would struggle on that.

Ok i admittedly have no knowlege/experience with prenups but is it necessary to specify a dollar amount? i mean you say $30-40k for downpayment and to be able to furnish your house and entitlement to the car you currently own. that may be fine for now but what about 10 years from now? is that car going to be worth a damn? is $30-40k going to be enough for you to reestablish? is there some type of time limit? like it's only applicable if the marriage ends in the first 5 years? i don't like this one bit. like you said, you gave up all your stuff to move in with him so you have the potential to get screwed too. and it's not fair for him to make you pay for his ex wife's crimes. i'm sorry i know you said no comments from the peanut gallery but i kinda feel like if he's still so broken by what his exwife did to him then he's not ready to get married. he should deal with you based on what he knows about your character.

Wow, this IS a difficult subject. I'm sorry he's coloring you with her crayon.

In all honesty, I would suggest getting a lawyer and doing it right. Get professional advice and call it a day. Cause at the end of the story, he's saying to you "I love you but I don't trust you because she hurt me." So I would reply back with "Well, in these circumstances I don't trust you either, lets get help."

I think you have a good start...just outlining the things that you consider to "yours" and "his" and laying out something to help establish your self again if things go south. I would kind of expect an infidelity clause to be involved (for both of you) since he got screwed last time tho...not to say you don't trust each other but to try to avoid another similar situation for both your sakes. Another thing to consider is future "gifts" and how would they be divided...generally "gifts" fall under *things to be sold* and the proceeds divided equally. I would just be honest and explain that while you have ever faith that your marriage will stand the test of time, you want both of you to protected and not have to worry about starting over since you have sacrificed a lot materialistically speaking to be together (liquidating your life to be near him) Best of Luck, it's a tricky issue to broach.

I am totally into pre-nups so no comments here. I do agree with aussie Bride and Lady Lee that you need to be as specific as possible when you do it or leave it be and maybe do a % instead of a dollar amount to account for inflation, deflation or whatever God forbid you two ever divorced.

LOL...ladylee he's ready to get married. He's very protective of his finances because of his kids. He took the hit and paid her the equity of the house so he could keep the house for his kids. Everything he does is for the kids (which I'm fine with, because if they were our kids, I would want him to do the same, so it wouldn't be fair for me to be offended by this). He is supporting me through school right now and I will be a teacher in 3 years. I think a time limit might be a good idea. It kills me right now that I'm completely dependent (financially) on a man (an issue we're working on with our therapist...hahaha).

You're selling yourself short by putting a solid number in there. You stated it right, you are entitled to half of the marital assets (I've been through a divorce in PA). I actually agreed to let my ex-wife keep the condo we lived in, I took the land we owned. If you have a $200k house, why would you sell yourself short at $30-$40k? Granted it is his house currently, but you are putting yourself into a severely limited recovery position. What if you had to exercise that figure in 30 years. With inflation it won't even be worth as much.

Matt does make a very good point. Maybe right now the assets are his but in 10 or 20 years it may be an equal 50-50 and if all you got was 30 000 for a house you've paid half for I would be really angry. I know how you feel about being dependant on a man and how frustrating it is. I gave up everything to move to the US and be with my husband but now i cant work which is infuriating some days.

My ex father in law had a pre nup with his second wife because he wanted to prtect the busniess he built before she came along. They are still together but my point is his prenup stated that tehbusnies and any assets before the marriage are his to keep anything aquired during the marriage she would get a perentage of if a divorced accurred!

Matt-if it's his house I don't get half. He bought the house for $130k, and once we're updating we'll be able to get 250k easily. So maybe it should be a percentage then instead of a solid number. The problem is that we've acquired a lot of "stuff" before being married, and since it's his house, it's technically not MY "stuff." But I asked him, "Why would I agree to a prenup where I get nothing if we divorce while we're still in the current house? Obviously after we're married I'm going to insist on buying a new house. What sense does that make?" Money is so annoying.

Jenn, I am in similar situation. FH and I are doing a prenup, but I have my own attorney to review and make sure I am protected. I have no issues with the prenup as FH owns his own business and a lot a real estate. We agreed any property prior to marriage will be his and any property acquired after marriage will be ours, which is fine with me since he acquires new properties all the time. Prenup will guarantee me house w/furnishings, car, cash settlement, medical coverage, custody of animals, etc.. Also any inheritance from my parents to me, which would be substantial, would be addressed in prenup.

I understand about men and their past but sometimes you have to just trust someone again and not fault them for someone elses mistakes! i have this issue with my FH is ex wife was just horriable lieing and cheating! but they have to see we arent all the same!

Thanks, Mary. That definitely helps. His ex wanted to take him for EVERYTHING-his job retirement, military retirement (she didn't get them). She wanted him to pay for her to go back to school to get a 2nd degree, but he took her to court over that and obviously didn't have to pay. I understand where he's coming from-he dealt with a conniving you-know-what and he doesn't want to deal with it again.

That sucks. I don't see how it is fair to you, you are not the one with the divorce on your track record. Stand up for yourself. Get an attorney. He needs to make you feel secure before you marry him. I think scratching the prenup would make you feel more secure since he knows how much it costs to go through a divorce, he may be a little more willing to work hard at continuing a healthy marriage. I would make my hubby pay a lot more than 30K to get rid of me! lol

Honeatly, I wouldn't put a dollar amount I would use a % amount, and maybe use some lawyers. My logic is this, How much time, money, effort and work do you ALONE put towards the realationship and the home. When FH and I moved in together, the only thing he owned was some clothes, the house and a tv. THe rest is mine, all the furniture, kitchen utensils, pots, pans, towels, etc. You name it I either nought it prior to our moving in or after we moved in. One claus I know FOR SURE that would be in the pre-nup that before divorce proceeding occur, we would under go couples and individual therapy. I am not going to throw away a 7 plus year relationship over something that could be solved with some professional help. There would finer tuned 'sub-clauses' unser that point though.

Sloved/worked on/with effort..lol sorry forgot to add that.

Plus, you are the one that has to deal with his baggage (crazy ex-wife) and you will be taking care of his lovely children (in your previous postings I get the sense that you are a really nice step-mom and you love them a lot). You deserve more than a 30K price tag

Mrs. Joseph said it 100% perfectly in my opinion.