Parents Paying for 99 Percent of Wedding, But His Side Is...

I think if your parents want to pay then fine. Not a big deal. But you and fh need to stop letting his family call the shots. No is a word you can use. Or say "we will take your idea into concideration." Or "thanks for that idea but we have decided how we want it."

I understand now and I've been reflecting on the way I approached this question. I do think it's rude to ask for money from his side and I get that now. I just don't like how everyone is telling me I'm not an adult simply because I'm not financing my wedding. I'm not sure but I feel like all you ladies are ganging up more so than advising. That's why I came here. I don't have anyone else with actual advice. My bridesmaids have never been married before. My fiancé is deployed. I turn to this for advice but I'm not any more. Thanks to those who all had constructive criticism but a lot of it was just shaming to be honest.

I agree with @Ms. B --> Mrs. L

Personally, I come from a family that both strongly standbys the tradition that the bride's parents pay for the wedding and that is fortunate enough to be able to do just that. And if I were to refuse, that money would be deposited in my bank account in some way shape or form regardless, because it's something that's important to my father & mother. And they've made that clear from the get go. So am I any less of an adult than someone who did pay/is paying for their own wedding? I don't think so. Am I forever thankful? Absolutely.

I'm sorry but you're acting like you're offended when you're the one who made a negative comment saying "I'm not going to turn down my parents offering to pay for ours. Anyone who does is silly." I turned down my parents out of consideration and desire to pay with my FH. You can finance your wedding however you want, but calling people "silly" for not going your route is rude. I also found it insulting the way you're rubbing in everyone's face that your parents want you to keep your money for your future and have a nice wedding... my parents want that too but are respecting my decision and other people's parents may not have the financial capabilities. It's so unbecoming to flaunt and brag about your parents paying for your wedding. In your original post you were upset about your FHs parents not paying and having a large guest list. It's not their responsibility to pay anything for you, and you should talk to them and your FH about the guest list instead of complaining about it here. Maybe they don't realize it's not what you want, but if you intend to ask them to pay then just be prepared for them to react negatively because it's rude.

Also I don't think there's anything wrong with brides letting their parents pay. It's a personal choice, but don't brag on here about the money youre getting or complain about not getting money from your grooms side. No one will respond positively when you act like that.

I'm kind of concerned about your mentality of his versus mine. Honestly my FH only has 12 people of our 75 guests. My FH and I are paying for the wedding with a few financial contributions from my family. We didn't think of it as "us" paying for a celebration for "my" family because my FH has become family over our years we've been together. Don't ask for money hands down that is incredibly rude. If his family is expecting a huge wedding that's fine. They can expect all they want but if they aren't contributing they don't make choices. Also don't throw your job in everyone's face as a way of saying "I'm better than you. Give me the advice I want to hear. " you don't know our jobs so how can you judge us?

Exactly @Jess !

Are your parents concerned about it? I can definitely understand that you feel frustrated but it sounds like your parents want to do this for you! I actually felt very frustrated that my Mom paid for my entire bridal shower herself (my Mother inlaw and bridesmaids didn't offer to help at all) but I was very thankful that she wanted to give me a beautiful shower!

I know it seems unfair right now, but as long as your parents are ok with it, just appreciate how lovely the wedding will be

This is why i didnt send save the dates. And this is why we are paying 100% our own wedding. We are both 32. Adults. And didnt want to deal with this

You both need to stand up to his family and say no we can't afford that or we don't want that. I know you said your FH is deployed, but the wedding is not just about what he wants (you have mentioned several times, he is getting the venue he wants etc) it's what you both want. If his family catch you off guard asking for extras and you are put on the spot and don't want to answer/ know how to answer straight away. Tell them we haven't decided we need to discuss it first and give yourself time to think about the answer. Weather you do or not is irrelevant, but just stop giving in to his family if it is not what ye want or can afford. People who aren't paying for weddings don't realise how expensive everything is, you can be sure they haven't thought about it either. Our wedding guests were wastly from my side that is what happens, but we did have to put out foot down with my mother once or twice. Bless she was so excited about it she wanted all her good friends to share in it. We put our foot down saying we can only afford x amount of people and had reached that already and my mother stopped asking. In the end some were taken of the guest list for various reasons (before invites were sent out, didn't do STDs) so we were able to accommodate her xtra friends. But it became our decision not hers. My mother would also suggest wonderful ideas for decorations etc, again had to put our foot down, it's wasn't in our budget. When these things came up I would jokingly say, " yeah sure that would be lovely, are would going to pay for it",or no we don't want that or if I didn't want to answer I would say we haven't discussed it yet. You both need to say no!

There is nothing wrong with taking money but it usually comes with strings attached that many couples do not want. Families sides are very rarely equal, but that is an issue that should have been discussed at the very beginning. If you want to talk 'tradition", the bride's family always paid for the reception. Of course this was a long ago time when people got married right out of college and their parents' homes, rare couples lived together first and showers were to set up their own home (not pay off honeymoons and mortgages). Welcome to the 21st century.

If your parents chose to approach the finance part in a traditional way and you didn't give them any guidelines, it's no wonder you got a giant list from them....why you sent all the STD's without fine tuning that is beyond me.

This is a great forum, but it's not going to ALWAYS return the results you want. They might be the results you need, even if they sting. I've experienced this too, (even though I'm not obviously planning a wedding....) but I'd rather have some quasi-strangers tell me I'm being an asshat before my actual family and friends have that chance. Another perspective is always a good thing, even for a know-it-all like me.....

Omg. We are paying for our own. Smh at the expectations

Sorry OP but you and FH should have addressed this early on making the guest list 50% each. He would have had to make some tough decisions but you would not be salty about it now.

More are probably able to make it on his side because it is local for them. FH and I were in a similar boat which is why we did a DW so both sides have to travel.

Also - FH's family is under no obligation to pay. Those types of traditions of who pays are looong gone in allot of places.

I'm not doing any of the "traditions" you've stated, I'm also not asking for or taking any money from any parents because we're adults and we pay for our own parties. I only know of one person who's family paid for their wedding but they were fairly young when they got married (24) and their parents had a "wedding fund".

OP, most couples on here realise that money comes with strings. If you aren't willing to have the strings pulled, don't take the money.

I'm not sure if I read wrong, but a lot of people here seem to think that the asked is upset about her FILs not paying for more when all I'm got is exactly what she said in the comment section, that she's upset that they're demanding the entire family be invited. If I read wrong I'm sorry, but if I read right, I can imagine how hard that must be and personally, I would talk to the FH about limiting his side down to your amount. (I may have missed something because I didn't manage to read all the comments because I'm in a hurry but want to be of help) Personally, my FH's side is currently over 50 people less than mine at the moment, which is a big deal when considering the overall numbers, so my side is cutting down to make sure we have equal numbers of guests. It's your and your FH's wedding and your parents are paying for it. If you guys are all on board, try not to worry about his side of the family being offended, so long as you're respectful. Hope I managed to help!

@Ms. B --> Mrs. L your situation is entirely different. Your parents wanted to give you the money, you took it. Fine. But the OP is now whining because her parents are paying for her in-laws and she feels her in-laws should be paying. She even said her FH reached out to his father to help out. That is rude AF. Unless you ASKED your parents for the money, the things said in this thread don't apply to you.

The traditions of who's family pays this and that are outdated. Most adults pay for their own weddings in modern times. Cutting people to make guest sides even is rude. Not everyone has the same size families and same amount of friends. Take it as it is.

It does apply when people make generalized statements.

I actually did ask them for money and what my budget was. They would have been offended if I hadn't. It has always been their expectation that they'd pay for my wedding just as I expect to pay for my future childrens; weddings.

@Jessie - None of my friends/family members have paid for their own weddings in the past several years. It's very uncommon in my circle for people to pay for their own weddings.

Another reason not to send STDs. I agree with Ms.B-->Mrs. L Until I was on this forum I never heard of couples paying for their own weddings.

I thought the same thing at first....but the more I go back and read her replies...I think she's most annoyed with the fact that her future in-laws are being the most demanding, occupying more of the guest list (that happens, but combined, it can be a factor for how she feels), and on top of that, not wanting to pay anything to meet their own demands. Neither side is obligated to pay. But those who aren't, their demands and comments don't need to be debated, FH should be shutting that down. There is still entitlement and lack of communication that falls on the OP. Pepeto would agree.