Happily Married
Dedicated March 2021

Opinion needed on bridesmaids dresses. sos

Happily Married, on February 21, 2021 at 9:58 PM Posted in Wedding Attire 0 24
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I’m letting my girls pick their own dresses with only three minor conditions: 1) the color has the match the swatch (don’t care where they buy the dresses) 2) they have to be modest in terms of cleavage because of the church modesty guidelines and 3) I wanna see the dress first before they buy their dresses.


#3 seems to be a point of contention, and I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable for wanting to see the dresses first.
I don’t wanna show up and be surprised on the day of the wedding. I kind of wanna be the only dress surprising the crowd.
Please tell me it’s not normal for bridesmaids to NOT be willing to show you the dress before the big day.

24 Comments

Latest activity by Lady, on February 22, 2021 at 2:04 PM
  • Hanna
    VIP June 2019
    Hanna ·
    • Flag

    I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I wonder why they're giving you pushback?

    • Reply
  • Happily Married
    Dedicated March 2021
    Happily Married ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    I honestly don’t know. The modesty rules on cleavage are from the church; they aren’t my rules I just have to make sure my bridesmaids follow them. I’ve gotten pushback from only one, and it’s starting to worry me that it’s just the beginning of more contentious points to come.
    • Reply
  • Melle
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
    • Flag
    I don’t think it’s bad! Because when I had bridesmaids, a lot of them would show me what they’re considering or when I was a bridesmaid I would show the bride what I was considering, etc
    • Reply
  • Hanna
    VIP June 2019
    Hanna ·
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    View Quoted Comment

    If it's been only one so far, then maybe you can just have a chat with that person to figure out what's going on? I think you're being more than reasonable in allowing them to purchase their dresses from any retailer (assuming that the swatch is a common color that's easy to match). I'd stand your ground on this issue.

    • Reply
  • T
    Super April 2021
    Tiger Bride ·
    • Flag
    Uh, no. This is your wedding, you're the bride, you should not be surprised by what anyone in the wedding is wearing unless you have expressed you want to be surprised for some reason. She should absolutely show you.
    • Reply
  • Molly
    Expert May 2022
    Molly ·
    • Flag

    That sounds very reasonable and very accommodating to the bridesmaids!

    I went with all the same colors and style of dress, but all the girls are fine with it.

    You should let her know not everyone is as accommodating and some brides pick the dress for their bridesmaids!

    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Rockstar April 2021
    Michelle ·
    • Flag
    You’re not being unreasonable! Time to have a chat with the bridesmaid to see what the issue is.
    • Reply
  • AJ
    Super October 2022
    AJ ·
    • Flag
    Not unreasonable, I’m doing the same but i only gave a maid of honor. She sent me like 45 examples and I narrowed it down to 8. Then from there narrowed it down to two! I would for sure want to see what she’s picking, not knowing would stress me out.
    • Reply
  • Connie
    Dedicated December 2021
    Connie ·
    • Flag

    That doesn't sound unreasonable to me at all! I send pictures of me in dressing rooms trying on outfits to my sisters and friends all the time when I shop alone, especially if the outfit is for an event we are both going to. I agree with PP that there is probably something on your BM's mind, and it would be good to ask her how she is feeling or why she feels this way.

    • Reply
  • S
    Expert November 2021
    Sara ·
    • Flag

    You're being very reasonable! Them not wanting to show their dresses to you is unreasonable

    • Reply
  • Happily Married
    Dedicated March 2021
    Happily Married ·
    • Flag
    Thanks ladies. I didn’t think i was at all unreasonable, but I was starting ti second guess myself. My biggest fear is being a bridezilla and I was worried wanting to see the dresses made me a bridezilla.


    Thanks ladies
    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    Mine each sent a picture after they bought them. I never asked for it. They just assumed I would want to see while the dresses were still returnable., so they e mailed a pic each.
    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Rockstar October 2022
    Michelle ·
    • Flag

    Everything you've described is completely reasonable. Let them know that because of church rules you need to approve the dresses or they will not be standing up.

    • Reply
  • Emma Cassano
    Savvy September 2022
    Emma Cassano ·
    • Flag
    You're not being unreasonable. You're just trying to make sure the dress matches the guidelines of the church. Try pushing the guideline detail over the surprise detail and see what happens.
    • Reply
  • Katherine
    Expert October 2021
    Katherine ·
    • Flag
    You're not being unreasonable at all. If the dresses ended up not matching you wouldn't know til last minute which would cause u stress. Also if the church has the rule then that's not something you can do anything about. They need to respect that.
    • Reply
  • Amber
    Dedicated March 2021
    Amber ·
    • Flag
    It is your day! I did almost the same thing but my color was not.common and they could only find it at davids. But I let them choose any style as long as it is not short. All of my girls asked my opinion of their dress, I didn't even have to ask. Not doing a church so modesty wasn't a thing but they still respected me enough to ask.
    • Reply
  • Expert September 2021
    ·
    • Flag

    Im doing something very similar! I gave my bridesmaids a color scheme (red, pink, burgundy) and told them to run with it! My girls have been really excited about being able to chose their own and were constantly sending me dresses they were looking at and we chose together which we liked best. If they aren't wanting to cooperate, I would simply send a text if you have a group chat and remind them of your wishes. It's kind of a given that you would need to console the bride before buying a dress for their wedding! You're not being unreasonable at all!

    • Reply
  • Cyndy
    Rockstar May 2019
    Cyndy ·
    • Flag
    Totally reasonable! It’s your wedding and you should know what they are wearing for sure.
    • Reply
  • Tory
    Devoted May 2022
    Tory ·
    • Flag
    I don’t really understand why a bridesmaid would have an issue with this considering it’s your wedding. Every wedding I’ve been in have either had stricter rules for dresses, or I’ve reached out to them about what I wanted beforehand out of respect for the bride
    • Reply
  • Samantha
    Rockstar October 2022
    Samantha ·
    • Flag
    I would be worried she has a surprise in store for you - not a good one! - and assumes that if she shows up in a dress against the church’s dress code it will be too late to change it.
    It’sbvery unreasonable that she won’t show it to you - hence my suspicion.
    Disclaimer: I have raised two daughters to adulthood, and the amount of tricks and wheedling to get a prom or homecoming dress that violates dress code I endured was legion!
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