O'dourves- yay or nay?

Why are you having a wedding if you're already married?!

I'm so confused now..! Lol

Yikes.!

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And the plot thickens......

You're already married??? wow... I hope everyone knows already.

Our parents and siblings know we are married. My mom asked that I do not tell her family. As she was "embarrassed" enough that we would not be having a Catholic mass.

Oh boy. They'll really be embarrassed when they find out you two are already married.

I honestly don't think they'd care at all. We're not wording the invitation as a wedding ceremony, but as a vow exchange. And we wont be registering at all.

If you two are already married, why not just have a smaller more intimate celebration? It sounds to me like you are pulling all of the weight for this wedding that is mostly his family. You could be using this money for something else that will be more beneficial for you two in the long run.

You seem to have an answer for everything OP. Sorry, I just don’t believe that a highly expensive wedding photographer whose clients pay well above industry price doesn’t know the average prices of different parts of the industry. I also don’t believe that allllll your clients are telling their wedding photographer (who was a stranger up until booking) all of their finance problems. I also don’t believe that you work the amount you do (10-12 hours a day) while your husband does nothing yet you can’t save a small portion ($20 a week?) over the next year and half. Literally has nothing to do with you being the woman. Had your post read differently and you said you couldn’t work and he worked 70 hours, I’d be just as incredulous. But fine, whatever, he can’t work and you’re personally financing a wedding for 80% his family and direct quote “two of your friends.” Sounds not fair to me. Also, H and I have enough savings to live off for a year. Budgeting four months out isn’t that out of the norm. You’re already married, you’re clearly struggling to pay for aspects of the wedding, you pay interest on credit cards instead of saving money. Agree. Why not skip the celebration that is for your guests, NOT for you guys, and go on a banging vacation. ETA - clarity

I would honestly forego a cocktail hour altogether if you can't afford to have more than 2 hors d'oeuvres. Go from ceremony to the reception and serve dinner. Just for reference this is what our cocktail hour includes: 6 passed hors d'ouevres, a main reception table with cheese, veggies, etc. And 3 stations to chose from. 2 hors d'ouevres is not gonna be enough, and will most likely not cover all dietary restrictond (veg, gf, etc.)

If you can't afford it, either your FH needs to pick up a few hours of work to help out or you need to just skip cocktail hour and head straight in to dinner instead.

I would definitely consider cutting back your guestlist or looking at your spending habits to save more money.

Please don't lie to people about being married

Where’s the user MOB when you need her? Lol

OP, I have to agree with O&S and Lisa, I couldn’t be in a relationship where I was pulling the weight financially 100%. This can lead to resentment. Trust me, I’ve lived that life.

I wouldn’t pay for a celebration that mostly HIS family is attending, and he in no way is helping financially for said celebration. No way in hell.

Don’t lie to your guests, they’ll be way more pissed that you lied, than that you eloped.

I didn't say I couldn't afford it. All I ever said was that I would probably be more comfortable putting it on a credit card. And I've never not paid off a credit card within 2-3 months of a large purchase. My job is unpredictable as far as income, so I'm not comfortable dropping large amounts out of my accounts all at once. I am considering dropping cocktail hour all together. I just don't know how much time it takes 100 people to grab a beverage before sitting down at their tables.

We went through a year when I was finishing grad school and he was the one pulling in the majority of the income. I don't think this is terribly uncommon.

If it’s inconsistent,, I wouldn’t feel comfortable spending so much money on a vow renewal. I’d wait a few years, then do it when both H and I could save more money.

You’re already married, and it’s honestly not your mother’s place to tell you to hide it from family. You’re an adult, and the right thing to do is to tell family.

The bar is wine and beer per person. $26/for 5 hours. I was including cocktail hour in that 5 hours. I am considering just going straight into dinner, but I am not sure how long it would take the bar to serve all the guests drinks before they sit down from coming in from the ceremony. Like if it takes over 20 minutes, I feel like it'll still be a scenario where I need to be providing appetizers.

Thanks for your advice. However, he is older than myself, and we're very much trying to get things all together more quickly so that we feel comfortable starting a family right after our wedding. We do not feel comfortable doing this, without having a formal exchange of vows with our families. I've already paid the venue $3k. The DJ and photographer have been paid in full, so there's some expenses that have already been worked on quite a bit.

Then what was the purpose of eloping, thus now hiding it? If it was so important, why did you already marry without family? Him being older than you, really has no bearing on the situation or choices being made.